Lookingtoflyfree
Arcanist
- Jan 11, 2024
- 438
I have survived multiple traumas, both seeing a partner die in front of me, and multiple partners physically and emotionally abuse me. I am thinking a lot about PTSD and CTB and how in some ways this is the only way to be free from my brain being hijacked by awful memories.
A lot of my life has been trying to survive, and trying to improve and grow. But a lot of it has been struggle and pain. I went through a rough break up about a year ago and that partner was someone with a personality disorder who was someone who would be kind and then mean - highly manipulative, gaslighting, insulting, cruel. And now the legacy of that relationship is him blocking me, and me left with intrusive thoughts - the things he said will appear out of the blue, or I'll see someone or something that reminds me physically of him. The person I wanted to build a life with, used me for sex, discarded me like garbage and insulted me after sex.
I think a lot these days about the impact of people leaving each other's lives - that ghosting is just common. That the modern way is to treat people as if there's a better train to catch, or that we're all at a train station but be prepared for departures because they'll leave after they abuse you even as they showed you love. I am in therapy, and have do planning to get my escape plan ready. But the rage I feel at the man who abused me I know one of the abusers is dead, one is still alive (but miserable, so no need to contact) and I have the address of the most recent one. I know the karma after my death of them seeing a simple note urging them to contact my family and get confirmation of my death is horrible to think about. But there is no justice from them in this lifetime - no remorse for how I was treated. And I want him to feel what I feel when I was insulted and abused. I want him to break and cry. Even sending the note is no guarantee he will. in some ways I am haunted by a living ghost and I just want the memories to end.
I welcome the end because I'll have silence and no more toxic memories and static in my brain. I can finally be at peace then.
A lot of my life has been trying to survive, and trying to improve and grow. But a lot of it has been struggle and pain. I went through a rough break up about a year ago and that partner was someone with a personality disorder who was someone who would be kind and then mean - highly manipulative, gaslighting, insulting, cruel. And now the legacy of that relationship is him blocking me, and me left with intrusive thoughts - the things he said will appear out of the blue, or I'll see someone or something that reminds me physically of him. The person I wanted to build a life with, used me for sex, discarded me like garbage and insulted me after sex.
I think a lot these days about the impact of people leaving each other's lives - that ghosting is just common. That the modern way is to treat people as if there's a better train to catch, or that we're all at a train station but be prepared for departures because they'll leave after they abuse you even as they showed you love. I am in therapy, and have do planning to get my escape plan ready. But the rage I feel at the man who abused me I know one of the abusers is dead, one is still alive (but miserable, so no need to contact) and I have the address of the most recent one. I know the karma after my death of them seeing a simple note urging them to contact my family and get confirmation of my death is horrible to think about. But there is no justice from them in this lifetime - no remorse for how I was treated. And I want him to feel what I feel when I was insulted and abused. I want him to break and cry. Even sending the note is no guarantee he will. in some ways I am haunted by a living ghost and I just want the memories to end.
I welcome the end because I'll have silence and no more toxic memories and static in my brain. I can finally be at peace then.
