Cry For Help

[JohnDoe404]

Hello Everyone,

I am new to this community but I have been following it for years and figured it is time to join. I have tried talking about my suicidal thoughts to others, specifically my partner but now I feel extremely guilty. She has her own mental problems and to be honest we seemed to be at the end of 13yr relationship. She decided she needed to "suffer" and be "independent" and decided to move out, which I completely understood but blame her therapist for. She seemed to be moving on with her life and thats when I truly realized how alone I felt in this world. On one of our dates when it felt like she was officially ending our relationship. I broke down and told her to take care of our dog and said I have been slowly preparing to CTB. I already had everything I needed for the SN method except meto, just hoping my strong stomach can hold it down. At that moment everything change she made an effort to be with me and spend more time with me but she started hurting herself again and even canceled her therapist. The progress she was making was all wiped out and now I feel guilty, I even told her stop worrying I am not doing it anytime soon. She respects my decision and promised she would not tell anyone and take this from me, due to similiar instance where she was going to CTB. Now I feel obligated to stay and also like I trapped her to be with me the problem is I can feel our relationship is not the same. I do not know what to do anymore, some crazy info I was diagnosed with stage 2 cancer in 2015 and decided I was not going to fight it. Of course she convinced me to have the surgery and fight, Life is funny sometimes. I already had my ticket out of here. I have everything prepared notes, method, and even the date but I feel this is going to destroy her and she is the only person I love in this world. I wanted to CTB when we broke up knowing she would be okay making it clear in my letter this was my choice and I have been planning it for a while. While also leaving her my savings which is way more than enough to pay off all her debt and not struggle as much with our son (Dog). I am just mentally and physically exhausted but filled with overwhelming guilt. I guess I just want some opinions/advice.

 

[İnilerim]

Sorry this is gonna hurt, but my impression is that you (I assume unwillingly) guilt-tripped your partner into staying with you. But I can see myself acting similarly if I was in your shoes. What is done is done now.
I was going to say "at this point, you might as well try fighting the cancer", but without knowing more about your situation this again might come off as insensitive, so apologies.

 

[JohnDoe404]

Sorry this is gonna hurt, but my impression is that you (I assume unwillingly) guilt-tripped your partner into staying with you. But I can see myself acting similarly if I was in your shoes. What is done is done now.
I was going to say "at this point, you might as well try fighting the cancer", but without knowing more about your situation this again might come off as insensitive, so apologies.

Thanks for the reply. I officially went into remission last year, I know I messed up. During one of her episodes when I found out she grabbed a bunch of pills from her grandparents medical cabinet, I asked her if she was planning to CTB I would prefer to know she knows I am pro choice. That Date night she kept asking what I meant that I was leaving and to take care of our Dog. I guess I felt obligated and I finally told her. When I lay in my bed during these sleepless nights alone, I feel nothing but regret.

 

[İnilerim]

Thanks for the reply. I officially went into remission last year, I know I messed up. During one of her episodes when I found out she grabbed a bunch of pills from her grandparents medical cabinet, I asked her if she was planning to CTB I would prefer to know she knows I am pro choice. That Date night she kept asking what I meant that I was leaving and to take care of our Dog. I guess I felt obligated and I finally told her. When I lay in my bed during these sleepless nights alone, I feel nothing but regret.

If you feel like she is in a well enough state for it, you could try talking about that date, ask her what made her change her mind, and reassure her that your intention was not to manipulate but just to be honest.

 

[pole]

i'm sorry to hear about what you've gone through.

it seems intense, in the sense that there's just so many emotions that you're dealing with. it's tough wanting to go, but having a person in your life you don't want to have shoulder the weight of the burden you leave behind. like the other user mentioned, it does seem like you guilt-tripped your partner into staying with you, which i can't blame you for, because anyone whose vulnerable, afraid of being alone, would do that.

you're also dealing with health problems as well which must feel like you being weighed down, and even more tired and exhausted.

it's nice to see that you care a lot about your partner. thinking about her and just understanding what CTB would do to her, acknowledging that she's vulnerable as well, it's great that your able to see past your own problems and care deeply for someone else.

personally, it would be hard for me to CTB, if i was in your shoes. the moment i would've done it is when you guys initially seperated. i feel the best time to do it is when the person you care about has grown apart from you and you've created some distance between each other. but it's hard in this case, because she seems to have clung onto you more simply cause she cares about you.

i would try and prioritize getting her the support that she needs. if she relapsed and she isn't doing well again, trying to help her get back into finding the part of her that began recovering and moving on. something i've done is distanced and forced myself to grow apart from people i genuinly loved, just so it's easier to CTB, knowing your alone and have no one, and you won't have that same affect on the people you knew when they aren't in your life or close to you anymore. that's something i would personally do, if i cared about someone.