I find myself absolutely fuming over the lack of resources that might help me get better all while truly not utilizing the resources I do see because so many of them are your typical "crisis lines" which really is just code for if your honest we will help someone come take away your freedom rack up huge medical bills while your in hospital while we "save" you. Taking away freedom from somebody whose mental illness already traps them most of the time is pointless.
I get it mandatory holds truly might be a good thing, for some people, some of the time. However, as an adult who has already tried every drug (legal or not) under the sun that might help me done all the counseling and yes even the "mandatory" holds. I can tell you with a clear head that in every instance it made things worse, not better.
Now you might say but look your alive! That would have still been true without your lockup. When your suicidality is as constant as mine you realize just how resilient people can be. Just how often those attempts fail and make things worse. Added bills, stress, etc. You realize any failed attempt will make things worse so you have to, absolutely have to get it right.
People while resilient are also so very fragile. Imagine losing more because you got it wrong. No, i'm here because failure cannot be an option and I have never been sure I could get the job done. SN - probably the most available method really still needs meto + whatever the other things are) its just not sure enough for me.
So here I am prisoner to my mind because of my mental health, trapped in a life I have not truly lived in, struggling to find some fucking piece of sanity for 2 gd seconds. It's always just me and my disease here and sometimes when the noise in my head is so loud I wonder if people around me can hear it I search for a way to turn the fucking noise down.
Then I see all these crisis lines and think fuck cant be getting locked up so cant be honest, but then what is the help? what helps? what do you do? What would they say? go outside? Join a club, go on a hike? ahh fuck I see the problem...you think I can leave house.
I get it mandatory holds truly might be a good thing, for some people, some of the time. However, as an adult who has already tried every drug (legal or not) under the sun that might help me done all the counseling and yes even the "mandatory" holds. I can tell you with a clear head that in every instance it made things worse, not better.
Now you might say but look your alive! That would have still been true without your lockup. When your suicidality is as constant as mine you realize just how resilient people can be. Just how often those attempts fail and make things worse. Added bills, stress, etc. You realize any failed attempt will make things worse so you have to, absolutely have to get it right.
People while resilient are also so very fragile. Imagine losing more because you got it wrong. No, i'm here because failure cannot be an option and I have never been sure I could get the job done. SN - probably the most available method really still needs meto + whatever the other things are) its just not sure enough for me.
So here I am prisoner to my mind because of my mental health, trapped in a life I have not truly lived in, struggling to find some fucking piece of sanity for 2 gd seconds. It's always just me and my disease here and sometimes when the noise in my head is so loud I wonder if people around me can hear it I search for a way to turn the fucking noise down.
Then I see all these crisis lines and think fuck cant be getting locked up so cant be honest, but then what is the help? what helps? what do you do? What would they say? go outside? Join a club, go on a hike? ahh fuck I see the problem...you think I can leave house.
