KuriGohan&Kamehameha
想死不能 - 想活不能
- Nov 23, 2020
- 1,801
Before me is a box of meto, several boxes of propranolol, painkillers, and an unopened SN container. Right now, I would like to get it over with. Life keeps giving me the final push, yet I am a coward.
I have no desire left for a life full of struggle, but here I am clinging to a listless existence like a baby clinging to a thin blanket in a cheap ass pram that's barely shielding them from the blustering wind and cold.
There's nothing left, my dreams are over. My health is too poor. I was falling asleep during a university class yesterday, in intense pain, and all I could do was helplessly try to hold my eyelids open, fighting the ever present bashing from my body which has no awareness of the artifical world we live in that demands strict schedules and bullshit affairs.
I can't keep up. I've lost my support. At one point in my life, I thought I really could overcome all the abuse, having a developmental disability, growing up in a bad area with little opportunity... It would all be water under the bridge, because that is the messaging drilled into us over and over. I truly thought I would become a scientist. Peering in from the outside, you'd think I was successful because I shower everyday, make my bed, and have a first class honors in my modules thus far.
No one sees the pain, the torment, the never ending fatigue which makes it hard to interact with others, to focus, to concentrate, never being taken seriously because you don't have cancer or something fatal that is guarenteed to kill you. My body is dependent on laxatices now and I cant even eat without the horrible bloating and pressure to remind me that nothing works as it should.
Some days aren't as bad as others, but that just means I can function at the bare minimum, like attending 2 hours of classes and showering. I don't have a social life. The idyllic university experience where you go out and party with friends, chat shit at the pub, and travel, is so far away from my reality.
I don't have a single friend on my course, which is already extremely small and cliquey. My only friend in my lead me on then groped me in my sleep, played rough with me when I said no, had sex with me when I was severely drunk, and abandoned me, then boasts how happy he is not to be involved in my mess anymore. He can play football, go to the cinema, travel across the world with his wealthy family, go to nightclubs, parties, whatever, with no hesitations. A person like that would never understand the solitude of a cripple like me. He is popular and well liked.
The prevailing message is that I should be able to function with no support whatsoever and that I lack constitution for feeling this way. That I am depressed and unwell in the head. There is no point in talking to anyone outside of this forum because they simply don't get it. My own housemates think it's as simple as going to a nightclub and screwing people, finding a "chill job" and cutting it on my own.
Before my illness was this severe, I did have a full time job, which I had to quit. During that time, I slept in a shoddy apartment with roaches crawling the walls, with no comfort except a cheap mattress on the floor, as I was too weak to carry a frame for it up the stairs. I ate frozen food everyday because I had no energy to cook. I had no friends. During work, I would find any opportunity I could to try and hide somewhere and sit down because my legs would be on fire. I could take twice the amount of paracetamol you're supposed to and would still be in agony every single day.
That was not sustainable. Yet, this is the reality for sick and disabled people who have no family and can't qualify for any sort of benefits. You are forced to work until you die or become homeless. I'm at the stage where I can barely take care of myself at the level which is expected of a young adult. I have to work fully remote at my part time job because everything is too taxing for me. Caffeine is the only way I survive.
My ex partner is gone and my best friend is out partying in the club while I'm at home in bed about to scream my head off because it seems I've gotten another infection or virus which has left me in horrible pain with a fever. I can't afford to be sicker because I will be unable to finish an assignment worth a huge chunk of one of my modules.
All I do is rot here alone all day and no one comprehends how horrible it is, wanting to do things and being incapacitated. When I'm out trying to do things I often feel a moment of tranquility, a wave of, "Ah, so THIS is what normies experience" only for it to usually be snapped out of abruptly by my IBS, fatigue, pain, or other random health issue like freezing to death, allergies, nausea, etc.
I haven't had a single moment in years where I felt comfortable. I lay in bed not because I enjoy it or feel rested, but because I have full knowledge forcing activity will make me worse and result in me going right back to that bed. Even when I was doing drugs with my best friend, pure ectsasy, I ended up having some bizarre seizures where I could do nothing but tremble and convulse, unable to move my jaw or lips. So even pleasurable experienced become tainted by my defective body.
All I can do is cry because I'm being forced to apply for summer jobs and I know that I won't be able to handle a single one of them. I'm too weak. It's impossible for me to stick to a sschedule due to the unpredictable nature of my conditions, yet society demands it. Nothing but due dates, deadlines, and consistent shift patterns that are incompatible with rapidly changing health issues. My dream was to be like makise kurisu, but I'm more akin to the trash bin where all the defunct gelnannas get tossed in.
I really need the courage to end this. I am so ready. Please give me the courage to end this hell once and for all.
I have no desire left for a life full of struggle, but here I am clinging to a listless existence like a baby clinging to a thin blanket in a cheap ass pram that's barely shielding them from the blustering wind and cold.
There's nothing left, my dreams are over. My health is too poor. I was falling asleep during a university class yesterday, in intense pain, and all I could do was helplessly try to hold my eyelids open, fighting the ever present bashing from my body which has no awareness of the artifical world we live in that demands strict schedules and bullshit affairs.
I can't keep up. I've lost my support. At one point in my life, I thought I really could overcome all the abuse, having a developmental disability, growing up in a bad area with little opportunity... It would all be water under the bridge, because that is the messaging drilled into us over and over. I truly thought I would become a scientist. Peering in from the outside, you'd think I was successful because I shower everyday, make my bed, and have a first class honors in my modules thus far.
No one sees the pain, the torment, the never ending fatigue which makes it hard to interact with others, to focus, to concentrate, never being taken seriously because you don't have cancer or something fatal that is guarenteed to kill you. My body is dependent on laxatices now and I cant even eat without the horrible bloating and pressure to remind me that nothing works as it should.
Some days aren't as bad as others, but that just means I can function at the bare minimum, like attending 2 hours of classes and showering. I don't have a social life. The idyllic university experience where you go out and party with friends, chat shit at the pub, and travel, is so far away from my reality.
I don't have a single friend on my course, which is already extremely small and cliquey. My only friend in my lead me on then groped me in my sleep, played rough with me when I said no, had sex with me when I was severely drunk, and abandoned me, then boasts how happy he is not to be involved in my mess anymore. He can play football, go to the cinema, travel across the world with his wealthy family, go to nightclubs, parties, whatever, with no hesitations. A person like that would never understand the solitude of a cripple like me. He is popular and well liked.
The prevailing message is that I should be able to function with no support whatsoever and that I lack constitution for feeling this way. That I am depressed and unwell in the head. There is no point in talking to anyone outside of this forum because they simply don't get it. My own housemates think it's as simple as going to a nightclub and screwing people, finding a "chill job" and cutting it on my own.
Before my illness was this severe, I did have a full time job, which I had to quit. During that time, I slept in a shoddy apartment with roaches crawling the walls, with no comfort except a cheap mattress on the floor, as I was too weak to carry a frame for it up the stairs. I ate frozen food everyday because I had no energy to cook. I had no friends. During work, I would find any opportunity I could to try and hide somewhere and sit down because my legs would be on fire. I could take twice the amount of paracetamol you're supposed to and would still be in agony every single day.
That was not sustainable. Yet, this is the reality for sick and disabled people who have no family and can't qualify for any sort of benefits. You are forced to work until you die or become homeless. I'm at the stage where I can barely take care of myself at the level which is expected of a young adult. I have to work fully remote at my part time job because everything is too taxing for me. Caffeine is the only way I survive.
My ex partner is gone and my best friend is out partying in the club while I'm at home in bed about to scream my head off because it seems I've gotten another infection or virus which has left me in horrible pain with a fever. I can't afford to be sicker because I will be unable to finish an assignment worth a huge chunk of one of my modules.
All I do is rot here alone all day and no one comprehends how horrible it is, wanting to do things and being incapacitated. When I'm out trying to do things I often feel a moment of tranquility, a wave of, "Ah, so THIS is what normies experience" only for it to usually be snapped out of abruptly by my IBS, fatigue, pain, or other random health issue like freezing to death, allergies, nausea, etc.
I haven't had a single moment in years where I felt comfortable. I lay in bed not because I enjoy it or feel rested, but because I have full knowledge forcing activity will make me worse and result in me going right back to that bed. Even when I was doing drugs with my best friend, pure ectsasy, I ended up having some bizarre seizures where I could do nothing but tremble and convulse, unable to move my jaw or lips. So even pleasurable experienced become tainted by my defective body.
All I can do is cry because I'm being forced to apply for summer jobs and I know that I won't be able to handle a single one of them. I'm too weak. It's impossible for me to stick to a sschedule due to the unpredictable nature of my conditions, yet society demands it. Nothing but due dates, deadlines, and consistent shift patterns that are incompatible with rapidly changing health issues. My dream was to be like makise kurisu, but I'm more akin to the trash bin where all the defunct gelnannas get tossed in.
I really need the courage to end this. I am so ready. Please give me the courage to end this hell once and for all.
