Counting down

[CommitSudoku]

I give myself anywhere from tonight to Monday morning.

This is a preemptive goodbye thread/place for me to spam my thoughts. I'll be going with SN, no antiemetic, possibly no antacid. I'll be fasting beginning now - I haven't ate since lunch (roughly 4 hours ago). I'll have ibuprofen. Will determine how I split the SN dose later. Unless I feel like pain then I'll attempt hanging instead, probably not though.

Had been planning on Sunday but learned the hard way not to trust people and I don't want to lose my ability to attempt. I hate this. Might not finish making "amends" and going through my stuff as I wished, a shame since I was actually feeling almost excited to do that. Might not make many proper goodbyes either. Will post more later, thanks to anyone who cares to read or comment. The people here made me feel comfortable but I think I let that feeling make me get sloppy outside of this site. I don't want to be trapped in this life against my will.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

I'm trying to tie up loose ends, myself. I'll go for a while and see how much I can get done. Like you, I have no reservations anymore that I will get everything done that I would like to. It will have to be good enough. I have very few goodbyes to do since all my close relatives died within the past three years. Still, I have a few. That will be last for me when I'm ready. Sorry you're going through this "getting ready" thing, too. I'm still working out how I want to go and learning by asking questions to eliminate ways that won't be good for me. It's a process, I guess.

 

[hankbank3928]

I hope everything goes well!

 

[Dead Meat]

Sad to see you go,and wanna wish you a pleasant and comfortable journey and you have everlasting peace

 

[WorthlessTrash]

I am sorry you reached this point. I hope whatever you do, you end up finding peace.

 

[CommitSudoku]

It sucks to not feel safe in your own home. I think I've lived my whole life so I could leave in peace. It's dumb how much I've lived for the sake of others and so as to not raise suspicion. And then it can seem like I can't even have that - enough time to myself, safe, to leave. I'm considering if I'll have fasted enough tonight to go. Otherwise I might go out and find some more heavily wooded area Friday or Saturday night. Anyways, onward with mental health decline.

I did go through a few of my old notes, a few years ago I wrote this:

"how did someone like me live this long? I never should have made it this far. And I still don't have any reason to go on. What makes it worth continuing to live any longer? Everyone's told me to give up on my dreams now, even someone who said you can get anything you want. What's in this life that makes it worth going any longer? I don't enjoy this. I don't even like anything about my future at all. Why does it have to be so hard to die, if I could just fall asleep and never wake up it would benefit so many people, me mostly. It shouldn't be so hard to die when it's already so hard to live. At least death should be easily attainable, it's the only resolution."

Funny how things still haven't changed.

 

[Glowarm]

Sad to see you go but I respect your choice. I hope you find peace and comfort in whatever you do.

 

[Shu]

I was just asking myself "I wonder how Commit Sudoku is doing" and I saw this post. I hope you're okay and making the right choice for yourself and this is something you really want. I wish you love and peace regardless.

 

[CommitSudoku]

@.CTB thank you so much. Probably not many of us on here are okay, I wish things could be different.

 

[Intelligent_Panic99]

I wish you well and good travels. I too read something I wrote a while ago and realized this ending always felt inevitable.

 

[CommitSudoku]

Took 600mg of ibuprofen. Even if I don't go through tonight it helped with my budding headache. Also found I have an antacid of unknown age, 750mg each, generic store brand that likely tastes awful.

Have been going through notes on my phone, nowhere to go with what I found and no one to talk to so will post here my thoughts.

"Why can't I just go to sleep and never wake up? That's my dream, my ideal death. Never ending sleep. As much as I fantasize how wonderful shooting or hanging myself would be, all I really want is just to close my eyes and never open them again. It doesn't matter if I did manage to fulfil any of my dreams, my ideal life is one where I'm not alive. The more I live pretending the more I hate myself and become someone I don't like. But I've never liked myself. I just want to sleep. If I write this here and pray to a God I don't believe in or offer my soul to a devil I know isn't real, will it work? Can I just sleep forever?"

Slightly younger me was on to something, basically saw the future. Strangely enough I liked that version of myself better. I dreamed and worked towards happiness for a while, but I always knew it wouldn't work since death is what I wanted. You can't find solace in living if you value death over it.
"I still remember grey goose. If we ever met, would you remember it too?"

"Despite how horrible it made me feel, I only have fond memories of poisoning myself. Or perhaps it's my lack of memories from then which I find fond. It's actually quite a refreshing feeling being so tired you can only sleep and when you think back on it there's nothing. Almost like you were dead for a few nice hours."

I honestly miss this feeling. One of my favorite memories was after I took my "medicine" - my nickname for one variety of an attempt, aka the poisoning - and I was so out of it I could barely get up but still tried to do things. I had gone to my closet to get dressed or something and then I was just on the floor completely unaware of how I got there and I couldn't even feel pain from falling. Played this song to give me motivation to get out of bed on that day and days I took the medicine:

 

[needforvoid_]

Was great having you.
Vent it all out. I relate a lot to what you're saying.

 

[CommitSudoku]

Some lyrics:

Get away from me
Get away from dark nightmare
Just now chip at your heart
We just fight for freedom

"I think I've had more trouble sleeping recently because I realized I didn't want to wake up again. But that's probably not right, because I never wanted to wake up after going to sleep."

"I can't tell lately if I'm failing everything because I'm a complete idiot or because I can no longer put in a true effort since I've stopped caring about living. It doesn't change the fact that I'm still a failure either way though."

Finally found the list of songs for my funeral :)

Song that best describes me (and has described me for quite a while): Bullet by Hollywood Undead
Nothing to Lose by Billy Talent
Songs I love so much they should be included in my funeral: scaPEGoat benjamin & mpi, unravel tk ling tosite sigure, aspixia cho shu nie, digging holes amazarashi (play video), kisetsu wa tsugitsugi shindeiku amazarashi (play video), ninelie aimer, prayer x king gnu, lost & found survive said the prophet, let me hear fear and loathing in los vegas, my hero man with a mission, mo dao zu shi op and ed, canaria reona, katharsis tk ling tosite sigure, red survive said the prophet, freedom blue encount

Funnily enough animes have been part of the reason I've lived this long. Banana Fish still hits hard. I loved Owari no Seraph, Kuroshitsuji, Inuyashiki, Happy Sugar Life, Darker Than Black, Code Geass, 91 days, 86, Aku no Hana (Nakamura's kuso mushi <3), Gakkou Gurashi, so many. Animes were the only thing I felt true emotions for, but I've lost that now. I barely feel anything. More reason I don't want to be here.

 

[NearlyIrrelevantCake]

Safe travels, may you find peace.

 

[ClownMe]

If you're time is up then I hope you find peace.

 

[CommitSudoku]

One of the two songs I'll play when I take SN, tonight or Sunday night. I used to spam lyrics to songs to cope. I love this song.

In spite of how the world decides to see my life
Would I still have a chance for us to say goodbye
Over and over again
If I decide to burn instead of fading out
I still would like a chance for us to say goodbye
Over and over again
If we can be found we sure can get lost
Through all the madness of falling in love
If we're truly lost
Don't wanna be found here dying alone
The stain of red that colors the pavement
Painted with blood of somebody you love
Is this the sacrifice for the broken
Losing the purest of what's in your heart

In spite of how the world decides to see my life
Would I still have a chance for us to say goodbye
Over and over again
If I decide to burn instead of fading out
I still would like a chance for us to say goodbye
Over and over again
The stain of red that colors the pavement
Painted with blood of somebody you love
Is this the sacrifice for the broken
Losing the purest of what's in your heart

Too close but far enough for me to see
The vision of my eyes was found by no one only me
I'll keep my eyes shut pull the trigger
Forget to pray before we say goodnight

The stain of red that colors the pavement
Painted with blood of somebody you love
Is this the sacrifice for the broken
Losing the purest of what's in your heart
The stain of red that colors the pavement
Painted with blood of somebody you love
Is this the sacrifice for the broken
Losing the purest of what's in your heart

The stain of red
The stain of red
The stain of red
The stain of red

Took 750mg x2 antacid, both better tasting than I expected and unpleasant.

 

[hopelessdreams]

i'm really sorry for what you're going through. your quotes from your notes are beautiful. you can express your emotions in words i've never been able to. you sound like a lovely person. i hope you find peace in whatever you decide to do. feel free to message me if you want to talk, vent, or just send more of your notes :)

 

[CommitSudoku]

Update: tried to make amends with someone but was too braindead to say goodbye so made the mistake of not taking SN yet, will probably go tonight or tomorrow. Haven't been able to sleep. As expected death would be a reprieve. I want to gorge my eyes out. I can't stand my body, it's uncomfortable however I lay and it feels like my skin is crawling. Nearly got sick having only taken ibuprofen and the antacid so hoping more fasting will help with success. Considering mixing my personal medicine to the regimen to knock myself out faster as well. My death will be painful regardless with this anxiety, I don't care about that I just care about it working and going unconscious quickly. There's not enough time to take SN now since I'm no longer safe here. Ugh ugh ugh. Worked my whole life for what? To have my only desire invalidated on someone else's whims? Should have stuck with never trusting anyone, loneliness is crippling though. Maybe I ought to hang myself.

Aside from goodbyes I'm ready. And the only people getting goodbyes now are here and the friend I previously mentioned. Don't think I can write notes to anyone well-intentioned who would force years of this agony on me. Wish so much I had taken the SN already - I don't want to regret delaying my death anymore. I've regretted it for years. Regretted existing for even longer. Will probably write more since I've failed myself again until I finally drink to attain peace. At least everything that chips in to me reminds me how worthless being here is, it's torture. Will probably write more since this thread is my emotional dumping ground. Still feel sick.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry for all the suffering that has brought you to this point and thank you for sharing your thoughts. I hope you find peace in whatever you decide to do.

 

[CommitSudoku]

I managed to get off of work. I am hoping to fall asleep soon. Spent the morning almost getting sick but there doesn't seem to be quite enough in my stomach to allow that easily. Will take my medicine now so it won't affect me in the evening.

"How are you?"
"I'm living the dream. Problem is it's someone else's dream and it's my nightmare."

 

[CommitSudoku]

Ahaha writing more to my meaningless post! For reasons I decided to stick to my original Sunday night date, I hope I don't regret it. One such reason was to get one last binge meal... of which I got sick on and ended up not eating much of regardless. I've fasted since then. Only drank a little water and then a small amount of juice around 3 hours ago. I haven't gone through all my things but don't even really care to anymore. I haven't written notes as I know I should - there just isn't much on my mind. I care for people and don't want to hurt them but... I just barely have anything to say.

I had a thought earlier that if I kept my phone with me, who would I reach out to while waiting for the SN to knock me unconscious? And then would I actually reach out? I was tempted to make a thread but it's usually not worth it when I post. I'm not sure honestly the answers to my question. But I will most likely turn off my phone and have my old phone with me instead - it's connected to internet for music and potentially writing here, without being connected to any services or apps I could use to reach out.

Spoiler: Some of my old writing

There once was a young girl who came to a conclusion. Her reasoning was singularly fueled; she received no aid besides her own logic. And with tears of joy blurring the edges of her reality, she finally understood.

"It's all pointless."

It wasn't that she was depressed. It wasn't that she had a bad life. It wasn't that she had it rough.

It may have been that she had nothing to live for, though.

It could have even been that she had grown bored.

So she reached a stalemate with life.

To go forward was to accept the meaningless and play along with the lie. And even as the worst sinner, she always promised never to lie to herself.

The only option left was to kill herself.

She knew immediately that no one would understand her reasoning. So she swiped a finger across her lips and spoke none of those thoughts aloud. It was easy enough, she had always been quiet and no one existed close enough to her to realize what was going on.

There were no suspects before the murder.

Except, there was no murder either.

Following her realization, the girl formed a plan and strengthened it with knowledge. She stole pills when heads were turned, and learned to fashion a belt into a noose.

There was no lack of effort on her part.

For the first time in her life she disregarded the rules, took more pills than she could swallow and pulled the noose tight until her mind panicked.

But still she remained a part of the whole pointless problem.

And the next day she woke up, feeling as if the whole mess had been a dream except for the chip that had been made in her pill stash.

And that's just how it went.

 

[CrossroadsCurious]

Peace be your journey!

 

[Cathy Ames]

I am sorry about all the things that happened to bring you to this point, and I hope you will find peace. I will miss your contributions to this forum.

 

[myopybyproxy]

"Despite how horrible it made me feel, I only have fond memories of poisoning myself. Or perhaps it's my lack of memories from then which I find fond. It's actually quite a refreshing feeling being so tired you can only sleep and when you think back on it there's nothing. Almost like you were dead for a few nice hours."

I honestly miss this feeling. One of my favorite memories was after I took my "medicine" - my nickname for one variety of an attempt, aka the poisoning - and I was so out of it I could barely get up but still tried to do things. I had gone to my closet to get dressed or something and then I was just on the floor completely unaware of how I got there and I couldn't even feel pain from falling.

I felt the same way after my attempt. It's a strange nostalgia.

May you find peace, Doku. Thank you for our time together.

 

[CommitSudoku]

Took 600mg of Ibuprofen, took with minimal water.

Not sure if I'll post here my full experience. Writing notes is hard, at least I'm finally feeling emotions and could cry. Looking over my life, dreaming of death was what always got me through. I wish I didn't have to hurt anyone.

Sometimes this makes me feel like it'll be fine:

750mg x2 antacid, same as before.


This song has special meaning to me

 

[Shu]

Took 600mg of Ibuprofen, took with minimal water.

Not sure if I'll post here my full experience. Writing notes is hard, at least I'm finally feeling emotions and could cry. Looking over my life, dreaming of death was what always got me through. I wish I didn't have to hurt anyone.

Sometimes this makes me feel like it'll be fine:

750mg x2 antacid, same as before.


This song has special meaning to me

Here for you CommitSudoku hope you're okay.

 

[onlyanimalsaregood]

I am very sorry that life has come to this point for you. You know I'm here for you too my friend You're amazing

 

[CommitSudoku]

Mixed 3 drinks, ~23g SN, ~50ml water. Probably more water, and possibly (but hopefully not) less SN. Or could be more. It mixes to be quite clear. Will drink soon. Thank you to everyone I've got to talk to here. You all really helped me and I appreciate getting to spend some time with you all. I wish you all the best :)

Will be playing Red by Survive Said the Prophet and scapegoat by Benjamin & API

 

[Donk]

I wish you a peaceful journey.

 

[wellherewego]

Be at peace