countdown

[myopybyproxy]

Keeping track of my last four weeks in this thread. If all goes according to plan, by this time next month I shall have been dead for 5 hours.

I will fast for 7 days and/or compile some of my more poetic ravings into a document. At the end of that period, I will do a trial run. One week after that, I will begin my protocol - daily dosing of valerian 400mg, green tea, and grapefruit juice - to inhibit CYP3A4 as much as possible. The goal with this is to limit my body's ability to process substances through that enzymatic 'port', so to speak. I am already an intermediate metaboliser in CYP2D6 so this means that the drugs (opioids are primarily metabolised through CYP2D6 and CYP3A4) will have a longer and hopefully more intense peak.

In the study that supported valerian inhibition of CYP3A4 the researchers used much larger doses, but this is all I have. Tried to make quinine (CYP2D6 inhibitor and lowers QT interval) syrup with cooking grapefruit skins, but I left the fire on too long and it burnt. My natural inhibition should suffice there - most drugs that CYP2D6 metabolises do not affect me much, if at all, or their effect is unexpected. Furthermore, in the week prior to T+0, I will avoid vitamin D and be sure to eat, as both starvation and vitamin D induce CYP3A4. Thus the fast must be done now or sooner, but now is as soon as I could get without travelling backward in time.

My to do list thus includes, aside from the trial run, purchase grapefruits and juice them, keeping up appearances at school, work, and around family (ongoing). Still compiling the writing and practising shooting up (27g and soon to be 25g). On my last day, I will eat a meal and take pills designed to optimise absorption for those drugs that are lipophilic and reduce excretion via pH, send a delayed email containing the document to two musician acquaintances and my brother (drummer in several bands), destroy the hard drive on my laptop, factory reset my phone and destroy the SIM card (idk how it is called), and bike to my location, whereupon I will continue the protocol, which can be read here (the OP is rough draft - updates posted later in the thread - but mostly accurate) if you are curious. At T+0 I will IV 3g of fentanyl positive powder (note NOT 3g of pure fentanyl, unfortunately) and jump / pass out / fall approximately 20m off a bridge into a river. If the overdose does not kill me itself via CNS-depression-induced hypoxia, I will be too out of it to swim. The 40lb weights should insure I stay submerged. If I'm still breathing by the time I hit the water, suffocation (mechanism of drowning) will allow my spirit to inhabit another body.

Without raising suspicion, I will also look into the train schedules. Wouldn't want a passenger or railway employee interfering.

My only concern is storage of one of the sedatives - I kept it in a shot glass due to attempting to create an emulsion (yes, yes, not the same as a solution, facepalms into infinity). I will update on that.

If you have any questions or comments as to the practical details, please feel free to share. I certainly have not thought of everything and it is best to consider and control for as many factors as possible. Or any questions at all, I'm bored and lonely lmao.

 

[Angi]

I appreciate your posts, and I will miss you.

For checking your plan you will likely have to look at someone else... No appropriate knowledge whatsoever.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry for all the suffering that has brought you to this point. I wish you the best in whatever happens.

 

[CommitSudoku]

I know I asked elsewhere but I'm curious how you go about your fasting and the results. Will you be able to bike okay to your location after fasting so long? Recently I tried to fast and still work (which I either have to walk/bike to), it ended up horribly. Of course I didn't have the means to treat the symptoms and said work is hard labor. Anyways ramble aside, from your other post I'm impressed for how long you've already made it fasting. I might have more questions later, thanks for opening it up to them.

 

[myopybyproxy]

Update: it's been 2 hours since I took 25mg ephedrine and 40mg lisdexamphetamine. I've yet to do any schoolwork (am a week behind in all classes) - need to at least pretend I'm trying. Got all my materials but then opened up forums instead of lectures. Whoops.

Also am practising the weights - currently sitting with 28lb for the 2 hours. Need to acclimate to 40lb, otherwise I'll have to go back and forth with the 2lb sand bags, very inconvenient - also someone may steal them. Going to the gym would probably help me acclimate faster, but I don't stick to a routine easily. Worst case scenario I strain my back biking with 40lb - not like that will matter once I'm dead, haha.

 

[whatevs]

So why are you CTBing? This might been addressed elsewhere, sorry if you don't feel like repeating it.

 

[CommitSudoku]

Also am practising the weights - currently sitting with 28lb for the 2 hours. Need to acclimate to 40lb, otherwise I'll have to go back and forth with the 2lb sand bags, very inconvenient - also someone may steal them. Going to the gym would probably help me acclimate faster, but I don't stick to a routine easily. Worst case scenario I strain my back biking with 40lb - not like that will matter once I'm dead, haha.

Man I hadn't thought through how you'll be biking with the weight you mentioned as well. You impress me. What's the location you've picked like generally? Quiet or busy? Since you mentioned sand bags could be stolen I was wondering, I feel like with all the parts involved and biking if you could have some things there ahead of time that could help so you don't pass out on the way there or anything. Just thoughts.
Also thanks for starting a thread like this. I wish you the best with the schoolwork though, keeping up appearances can be just as essential as any other component.

 

[WhiteRabbit]

Is the method complicated on purpose?

 

[myopybyproxy]

I know I asked elsewhere but I'm curious how you go about your fasting and the results. Will you be able to bike okay to your location after fasting so long? Recently I tried to fast and still work (which I either have to walk/bike to), it ended up horribly. Of course I didn't have the means to treat the symptoms and said work is hard labor. Anyways ramble aside, from your other post I'm impressed for how long you've already made it fasting. I might have more questions later, thanks for opening it up to them.

I have a fasting app that shows the time elapsed and time remaining. Seeing the seconds tick by is motivating to me. Under 24h fasts are easy if you have the means to keep yourself occupied with things other than food. Internet connection or a library is all you need really. The hard part is getting past the typical mealtimes, when your body expects food and you don't meet its expectations. That tends to be worst at dinner time for me. So I stay busy all day, then go right to sleep. Hot showers help with stomach cramps. If the weather is nice I like to go on a walk and listen to music - away from the urban areas with food - more toward parks and nature. Although somehow the smell of gasoline alongside high traffic roads also dampens my appetite.

Things I will consume during this fast: caffeine (75 to 1000mg a day, as espresso shots) and taking ephedrine, lisdexamphetamine, 3:1 dextrolevoamphetamine salts (adderall), meth (in a pill I was told was ecstasy!) and cocaine. Might pick up a propylhexedrine inhaler too. Water, green and black tea, and diluted broth. No zero cal sweeteners. Only salts (sodium chloride, potassium iodide, magnesium sulphate).

Supplements include N-acetyl cysteine, L-tyrosine, vitamin B complex, vitamin D/K oil (several drops), omega-3 capsules (25 kcal), topical iodine, chelated and lycinated magnesium. Antacids (no more than 3 per day) or sodium bicarbonate for stomach pain and to potentiate the stimulants.

For sleep, I have a few 50mg trazodone and 20mg suvorexant, and plan to take vitamin C in the afternoons to hasten stimulant excretion.

I know this all seems like a lot, but really the only things needed are the water and electrolyte salts. I've exercised during fasts before, no issue. I will be wary of shitting myself in public, as that does happen on longer fasts (typically around day 3 or 4). Never trust a fart!

I work part time at Starbucks - on my feet all shift, but still vastly different to full time manual labour, and I drive to and from - and the employee discount has been disastrous to my eating disorder. I've lost track the number of times I got a venti vanilla bean frappuccino and purged it back into the cup in a parking lot on my way back. I will remind myself that it is junk. That food makes me feel bad in every way - the saccharine chemical aftertaste, overly sweet, greasy, sliming its way through my intestines. I'll get salt, green/black tea, ice cubes, water, and espresso there.

My parents are used to my irregular eating habits - claiming I will start a new diet or way of eating, and then quitting after several days. They know I often eat at work, and I have my own money from working that I often use to buy food for myself. And they would rather I not eat their bread etc at all than eat the entire loaf - have done this multiple times in the past. As are coworkers - sometimes I will take only the aforementioned items from work, others I will scavenge for free food and use up my weekly discounts all in one day - so I doubt anyone will comment on my fasting.

Once there were a few cookies that were broken and couldn't be sold. Coworker offered me them, I accepted, then when her back was turned I buried them in the trash. Later that shift I dug them back out, unknown liquid on the packaging, and ate them. So you have an idea of what I mean.

I am not doing this for weight purposes as I've given up on obtaining or creating my goal body. However, last I checked (Saturday morning) before starting the fast I was 59kg. I anticipate I'll get to 54kg. As of this morning I am 58kg.

Regarding your question - I will end my fast with three weeks to spare. I will eat a nutritious and filling meal (eggs, avocado, grapefruits) right before I set out.

Man I hadn't thought through how you'll be biking with the weight you mentioned as well. You impress me. What's the location you've picked like generally? Quiet or busy? Since you mentioned sand bags could be stolen I was wondering, I feel like with all the parts involved and biking if you could have some things there ahead of time that could help so you don't pass out on the way there or anything. Just thoughts.
Also thanks for starting a thread like this. I wish you the best with the schoolwork though, keeping up appearances can be just as essential as any other component.

It is near a busy train station, although not visible to anyone on the platform unless they were walking out on the bridge like me. There are more people there in the evening and morning for commuting to work, so I'll go earlier than the usual rush hour. Not going to leave anything there ahead of time out in the open.

Thank you. It's becoming increasingly difficult - depression kills my ability to focus, and spinning on a hamster wheel toward a piece of paper seems more pointless than ever now that I've got less than a month left.

So why are you CTBing? This might been addressed elsewhere, sorry if you don't feel like repeating it.

Many reasons, internal and external. The better question would be why NOT to exit.

Internal: I made a post about gender dysphoria here. I don't believe I am capable of living a meaningful and healthy life, due to my mental weakness and ineptitude at follow-through, and I don't wish to stutter through decades frittering away potential. I've tried all sorts of treatments and therapy, for many different issues of mine, all to no avail. I am weak and selfish; I concur with all those pro-lifers who may be reading this. We are in agreement, folks. Regardless of the labels the DSM gives my symptoms, the conclusion is the same: I cannot survive, much less thrive. The counterargument to this is that life has some sort of inherent value such that sitting or lying around all day, completely bored or otherwise suffering, in coma or disabled to the extent of being unable to contribute to something beyond the self - which I believe it does not. Life is a phase of matter for the spirit - just as water may be ice or vapour but it is still water - death is the yin of the life-yang. Or perhaps I've inverted them, my bad.

I'm incompatible with this world in every way that matters - for instance, social savvy and charisma, mindset (this blends into external: eg euthanasia perspective similar to those of the Nazis - either people contribute and the point is contribution, or they don't, and there is no point and everyone may as well die. Perhaps rather black and white but what is the gain from dragging along members of the species who do not carry their own weight? I made a post here about the scientific rationale behind suicide).

Society as a whole is degenerating - I don't think I need bring examples of this. It is everywhere you look. Our entire modus operandi as a civilisation is crumbling. There will be a civil war if not world war within the next decade - I'm no prophet, but based on historical patterns we are teetering on the edge. Every societal sphere that exists - political, economical, spiritual, inter and intrapersonal, medical, mental healthcare - they disintegrate from corruption as I write this. Even if my internal factors were all sorted, I wouldn't want to live in this world.

Even to be hopeful that we may overcome this - and if so, it will take a century at least to rebuild - why bother? Sooner or later humans will go extinct. I hope it is sooner if only to spare the planet further damage from our greedy pursuits of happiness. What is the point for any individual human or the species as a whole to live?

I anticipate my death will make people happy. I'm too queer and libertarian for the conservatives, too traditionalist and regressive for the liberals. My family has spent so much money and energy on trying to help me, from the moment I was born. I was premature by three months and 878 grams at birth - definitely outed myself by now to anyone who knows me irl - and by the time I got out of the neonatal intensive care, they had spent a million dollars on me. It only got worse from there - private schools, homeschooling, therapists, martial arts, music lessons, organic food and vitamin supplements, 'treatment' after my first attempt - I'm an adult now and still leech off them. Hell, they pay for my tuition. I said once to my mother that I wanted to wait until after I graduated to die, so at least the money wouldn't have been totally wasted. Maybe she and my father could get some pride knowing their child had a BA. She said it's still a waste. That was me subconsciously trying to delay and rationalise putting off the inevitable. She's right. I should have done this in utero and been a miscarriage. They've got two other children who have infinitely more potential at being functional, contributing citizens with a meaningful and healthy life than I. This will allow them to focus on my brothers instead of wasting time spinning their wheels on helping me.

Is the method complicated on purpose?

Nope. It's simpler than it seems (take a bunch of shit, OD, jump off bridge and drown), but all the detail makes it look more complicated. I just prefer to have everything written down to the minute - knowing what I'm like high, I will forget what I'm doing midway through swallowing the pills.

 

[myopybyproxy]

Update: 33 hours fasted. Poor hydration today. Feeling an uneven pulsating in my left thigh. Unsure if this is due to the fast or IV coke.

 

[Foresight]

What a person you are. The way you express yourself has a strange calming effect on my racy mind. I remember I was mid-psychosis and you wrote this beautiful post that really hit. I struggle with my gender identity and my relationship with femininity as well. I'll miss your presence here. Wishing you a comfortable journey over the coming month.

 

[myopybyproxy]

What a person you are. The way you express yourself has a strange calming effect on my racy mind. I remember I was mid-psychosis and you wrote this beautiful post that really hit. I struggle with my gender identity and my relationship with femininity as well. I'll miss your presence here. Wishing you a comfortable journey over the coming month.

I'm glad my words had a positive effect - out of curiosity, do you recall which post it was? Thank you for your well wishes and I hope you find some clarity regarding selfhood.

 

[Foresight]

Thanks

 

[Somber]

If I'm still breathing by the time I hit the water, suffocation (mechanism of drowning) will allow my spirit to inhabit another body.

What do you mean with this line in bold/Italic?

 

[myopybyproxy]

What do you mean with this line in bold/Italic?

i believe that the soul does not cease to exist once the body does so. as far as i am aware, there is no proof for this and i do not intend to convince anyone either way. it's simply a hunch and a preferable alternative to the existence of a hell or heaven wherein i would be conscious eternally but with no body to execute an exit. it's more hopeful to me than the concept of death being the end - although my spirit didn't fulfill any sort of purpose within this body as far as i can see with this limited consciousness, perhaps in another reincarnation my spirit will.

however the concept of reincarnation wherein one is aware of past lives is also too depressing for me to contemplate. i prefer to think of it as a blank slate. each spirit has a goal, broadly speaking, to bring peace or beauty or simplicity or whatever other positive thing to its realm. the specifics depend on the individual and the body it inhabits. for instance the spirit of a tree cannot contribute financially to improve the lives of those in poverty, but it participates in the intradependent cycle of cleansing the air of carbon dioxide. its body provides a solid presence for other creatures such as birds and squirrels to rely upon, a landmark for lost creatures. etc etc

this all is a long winded ramble to say that the possibility of a future body utilising my spirit to contribute to uplifting itself and its surroundings soothes me. that's just about the only optimism i've got now.

 

[CommitSudoku]

How are things today so far?

 

[myopybyproxy]

Update: 48h in. Left thigh still twitching / pulsating. Forgot to add in the OP that I'm also including sugar free chewing gum on this fast.

Keeping up appearances may prove to be the hardest part of this all. It's been nearly a week since I last attended classes or did any schoolwork at all. Only just checked my uni email today and deleted all the new emails on sight. Zero inbox gang haha.

Sleep was poor - several awakenings, probably slept five or six hours in total. I spent a few hours lying awake in bed doing absolutely nothing (uncharacteristic for me) before eventually getting up around 1030. Took my vitamin and mineral supplements, 25mg ephedrine and 30mg 3:1 racemic mixture of amp salts and an antacid. Don't feel much except slightly elevated / uneven heart rate - but it's afternoon and I've work tomorrow morning and not much in the way of sleep aids, so I'll stick with weed for the rest of the day. Maybe IV a few points of coke later if any of my veins have recovered from last week.

Still haven't done any schoolwork. Fuck.

To do list also includes gifting my 8 reagent set to one of the musician acquaintances. Wish SS let us edit posts beyond the current time window (mods???).

 

[CommitSudoku]

Keeping up appearances can really suck haha drains you dry when you're already dehydrated.
I'd offer help on the schoolwork but I have no idea the subjects and I'm barely managing work myself. Maybe just try to go for whatever seems easiest first. Unless none of it is. Then- uh oh
Thanks for the update. Best of luck for the rest of the day and tomorrow with work.

 

[Somber]

Thank you for your explanation.

I know I'm focusing on just a few words, but they seemed out of place in your original post, yet rang very familiar, like something I would interject.

To me that spirit (or soul, ghost, essence, ...) is the concept of free will, as defined by the ability to make choices that aren't completely decided by a combination of internal chemistry and external influences. If we have any say in the decisions we seem to make, then evidently free will exists as separate from our material bodies.

I can't prove whether your spirit exists, but I can confidently state that without it, life would have been pointless from the start as all events would have been predetermined by the inevitability of chemistry.

You might have taken a more hollistic approach to your concept than I did to mine, but I don't think it differs all that much.

 

[myopybyproxy]

Thank you for your explanation.

I know I'm focusing on just a few words, but they seemed out of place in your original post, yet rang very familiar, like something I would interject.

To me that spirit (or soul, ghost, essence, ...) is the concept of free will, as defined by the ability to make choices that aren't completely decided by a combination of internal chemistry and external influences. If we have any say in the decisions we seem to make, then evidently free will exists as separate from our material bodies.

I can't prove whether your spirit exists, but I can confidently state that without it, life would have been pointless from the start as all events would have been predetermined by the inevitability of chemistry.

You might have taken a more hollistic approach to your concept than I did to mine, but I don't think it differs all that much.

I don't have a cohesive style of speech - that may be why that phrase seemed out of place - it varies tremendously based on my mood and whom I'm interacting with.

But yes, the idea that there is no free will and we are just slaves to our biochemistry is depressing.

Many roads lead to Rome, after all!

 

[Somber]

You seem very cohesive to me.

 

[myopybyproxy]

You seem very cohesive to me.

Thanks, I mean in having a uniform personality or style of speech - it's scattered. And I don't express myself as articulately as I'd prefer. I struggle to find the right words. Human language is so limiting. I wish I could speak others - the language of movement/dance, music, nature.

 

[Somber]

Thanks, I mean in having a uniform personality or style of speech - it's scattered. And I don't express myself as articulately as I'd prefer. I struggle to find the right words. Human language is so limiting. I wish I could speak others - the language of movement/dance, music, nature.

You could always try some interpretative dance moves or composing an umpteenth symphony, but even if you decide to stick with words only, I still understand where you are coming from.

At least more so than you could give me credit for.

 

[myopybyproxy]

Update: 55h, stomach growling but not many other symptoms. Still have yet to even attempt to catch up on schoolwork. At least I attended the in-person lecture.

The earliest train in either direction is 0528 and latest (whilst still dark and only run twice an hour) is 0608. After 0608 they are more frequent and it gets lighter anyhow, so T-0 will be between 0530 and 0605.

 

[myopybyproxy]

Update: 57.6kg, urine test strips say ketones are between 40 and 80 mg/dL. Woke up early and couldn't fall back asleep. Last night (around 56h) felt the first effects from fasting - slight nausea, noticeable heart rate, mild cold sweat - I felt ill. Laid down for a bit and drank some salt water, whereupon the symptoms abated. Also, I think there's some repressed anxiety that's trying to escape somatically. Which is fabulous, because all the things that help me with that are non-options at this time (binge eating, alcohol, benzos, opis). But heeyyyy - I can load up on coke and amphetamines! Hopefully paranoia free, though it's mostly weed edibles that throw me like that.

I just want hugs and a genuine connection with someone in real life but that is not possible unless my goal is forcible imprisonment - which it is not.

I have work today for the first time since starting this fast. I hate taking my vitamins because of the aftertaste - especially on an empty stomach - so I've decided to incentivise it (or this is the bargaining stage of addiction lmao) by telling myself I can do a point if I take all the supplements first.

The funny thing is until I decided the date, I used fairly infrequently. My use (mostly of weed) was actually declining because the highs were becoming more and more dysphoric. Things like meth and coke were only for special opportunities. But now that I'm going to be dead soon, I have abandoned any pretence of harm reduction or functionality or whatever you want to call it - and am trying to find one last moment of euphoria. So am doing dumb shit like shooting without a filter and putting acid in my veins. Cool. Love that for us. Funny how it's backward to the usual story of 'drug addiction -> suicidal'. I'm fucking self medicating. The DEA jackasses can suck it.

 

[CommitSudoku]

Update: 57.6kg, urine test strips say ketones are between 40 and 80 mg/dL. Woke up early and couldn't fall back asleep. Last night (around 56h) felt the first effects from fasting - slight nausea, noticeable heart rate, mild cold sweat - I felt ill. Laid down for a bit and drank some salt water, whereupon the symptoms abated. Also, I think there's some repressed anxiety that's trying to escape somatically. Which is fabulous, because all the things that help me with that are non-options at this time (binge eating, alcohol, benzos, opis). But heeyyyy - I can load up on coke and amphetamines! Hopefully paranoia free, though it's mostly weed edibles that throw me like that.

I just want hugs and a genuine connection with someone in real life but that is not possible unless my goal is forcible imprisonment - which it is not.

I have work today for the first time since starting this fast. I hate taking my vitamins because of the aftertaste - especially on an empty stomach - so I've decided to incentivise it (or this is the bargaining stage of addiction lmao) by telling myself I can do a point if I take all the supplements first.

The funny thing is until I decided the date, I used fairly infrequently. My use (mostly of weed) was actually declining because the highs were becoming more and more dysphoric. Things like meth and coke were only for special opportunities. But now that I'm going to be dead soon, I have abandoned any pretence of harm reduction or functionality or whatever you want to call it - and am trying to find one last moment of euphoria. So am doing dumb shit like shooting without a filter and putting acid in my veins. Cool. Love that for us. Funny how it's backward to the usual story of 'drug addiction -> suicidal'. I'm fucking self medicating. The DEA jackasses can suck it.

Thank you so much for the updates, it's much appreciated. If/when you feel up to it I'd like to hear how working went with the fasting + everything else. And what else you do to mitigate symptoms as they arise. Does the salt water only work if the nausea is still just "slight"? I've never tried that method before, though I suppose bad enough nausea could probably overcome anything regardless.

I wish I could give you a hug, but guessing from the "kg" we aren't in the same country. I feel you on wishing for a genuine connection in real life, unfortunately I can only be honest in places like these and with people who always are far away :')

Self medicating for the win, hoping you can get to the euphoria but also hoping you'll stay safe enough to post on here when you can.

 

[myopybyproxy]

Thank you so much for the updates, it's much appreciated. If/when you feel up to it I'd like to hear how working went with the fasting + everything else. And what else you do to mitigate symptoms as they arise. Does the salt water only work if the nausea is still just "slight"? I've never tried that method before, though I suppose bad enough nausea could probably overcome anything regardless.

I wish I could give you a hug, but guessing from the "kg" we aren't in the same country. I feel you on wishing for a genuine connection in real life, unfortunately I can only be honest in places like these and with people who always are far away :')

Self medicating for the win, hoping you can get to the euphoria but also hoping you'll stay safe enough to post on here when you can.

Work went all right. Had a mild nauseous spell after drinking my tea on break too quickly but that thankfully went away in minutes. Had a bit of salt and got some fresh air. It's only day 3 so nothing extraordinary to be expected.

There are different sorts of nausea and each is dealt with as such. Sometimes being overheated can contribute if not the sole cause itself - thus the solution involves moving to a cooler and better ventilated area, outdoors or near an open window if possible. Electrolyte imbalance - outside of fasts, this is most common if athlete or high recreational/occupational physical exertion, ill and already losing fluids via vomit or diarrhoea, or eating disordered - requires proper supplementation. I don't measure my salts as I ought - I just lick it off my hand or drink some dissolved in water and stop when I've had enough. Low blood sugars or glucose - can be a medical emergency for a diabetic - obviously if not fasting one would eat a fruit or some rice. Grapes and banana have helped me recover from this sort of nausea almost immediately in the past - rice takes a bit longer.

Other techniques to reduce nausea, regardless of the cause, include: breathing through the mouth, lying down or curling into a ball - or alternately standing upright and physically directing your body language to a well state if the former options are not possible in the moment - focusing on other bodily sensations (bang your head against the wall to cure a stomach ache!), smelling or consuming ginger or peppermint (tea, lozenge, the raw plant itself etc). One can use isopropyl swabs (60-70%) as a 'smelling salts' of sorts in situations where antiemetics are unavailable - but personally am wary of employing that as a regular solution, as inhaling large quantities of such solvents (paint thinner, gasoline, glue etc) is neurotoxic.

If you're interested - I found a fascinating article that discusses the mechanisms and treatments for nausea in depth.

As for that - I switch up the measurements, otherwise I acclimate and become complacent (when I was trying to reach my constructive goals, anyhow) - so now it's a habit to alternate between stone, kilos, and pounds. I also vary my typing style due to paranoia as well as desperately attempting to adhere to a sense of personality. In reality I am dull as a board and can hardly think of what to contribute to a conversation except for stupid/unnecessary comments and poor-taste jokes, following which I chastise myself for opening my mouth and mentally facepalm into oblivion. Yet online or in writing - I can easily ramble for thousands of words. As is evident. If anyone has actually read this entire post I will be quite an impressed buffoon - as opposed to my usual state of nonimpressed buffoonery.

I can relate to that - people who are not in the vicinity are no threat to my autonomy should they decide to involve the authorities 'for [my] own good' and 'to keep [me] safe from harming [my]self'. Thus it's easier to be honest with them. Unfortunately that also means no hugs. Win some, lose some - can't have it all. Alas.

I cannot thank you enough for the support and interaction. Ended up not using today (aside from some pills before work) as there simply was no convenient time to prepare the rock, plug or shoot up, and enjoy the effects without having to immediately rush off somewhere or tend to some mundane responsibility.


Update: 78h and have STILL NOT DONE ANY SCHOOLWORK someone please slap me. Please. It is a consensual slap. I am requesting it. Evidently me slapping myself does not suffice.

Strained out a few pebbles last night despite taking 8.6mg sennosides yesterday morning. No liquid shit yet. This is not glamourous in the slightest and I aim to report the facts of my experience. Tomorrow after work I will take some magnesium sulphate if there is no further sign of life down there.

Having some doubts and pesky survival instinct thoughts this afternoon. What if it doesn't work? Do I truly want to do this? I can always change my mind at the last minute - although it'll be a mighty pain in the arse to cover my tracks once I've destroyed my phone and computer and sent out the email - might just skip that since I'm doing the fast, looking over my writing it is all cringey whining and I doubt any of them want to read that shite.

When I consider all the factors, logically, the cons of existence vastly outnumber the pros. Sometimes I am even excited and cannot wait to go. But then other times I have moments like these where I'm hesitant. I've wanted to kill myself for four years and be dead/disappear/never have existed for a decade. I don't foresee any possibility of things changing for the better, whether within myself or society at large. And yet - those two questions return like cockroaches.

Please, god, give me cancer. Let me die in an accident. Trade my soul for one whose body is decaying yet wants to live and has a chance at life. Anything but this hellish purgatory for years to come. If I don't do this now (last summer, this winter, I thought - but the supplies weren't ready because I didn't try hard enough) - this summer - next winter - next spring - next summer - when will I? Drag this tired heap of tattered rags of a spirit through 'just four more months' yet again, keep moving the goalposts because I'm too cowardly to commit to a single god damn thing. Obviously I mustn't really have depression nor want to die if this is my thought process. I'm just weaving edgy stories for attention like the little bitch whore I am. Fuck.

I hate to say any of this to anyone for fear they will try to convince me one way or another - or worse, be frustratingly vague and neutral and say things like 'only you can decide for yourself what to do' - no duh it is my choice; thanks, that helps me loads. But what the fuck. It's going on the internet now, suckers. If anyone will respond aside from reacting, I challenge you to avoid the three aforementioned. Is it even possible? I'm having a hard time finding supportive things to tell myself too - but then again I suffer from perspective bias - but don't we all? Isn't being human fun?

 

[myopybyproxy]

Update: 88h. Didn't sleep at all (thanks, internet). Also didn't do any schoolwork. Oops. 1.2h ago amongst various ROAs took about 4mL of cocaine in solution - g post acetone wash was .8g which was likely 50% pure. I'm not doing the maths to guesstimate how much I took. Within 20-30min experienced: decent head buzz, brain-body uncoordination leading to frequent typos, mildest euphoria that can even still be considered euphoria, topical numbness upon areas of contact with solution (anus, tongue, lips, nose, throat) - which contributed to incessant burping or feeling like I was choking on the numb lump in the back on my throat. Kept trying to swallow it down to no avail, only transferring air up and down the oesophagus. Thus I didn't drink much water for the last few hours. Reflux and regurgitation is no bueno.

Plateaued around 1.5hr? Time is a thing that happens. I didn't notice its existence. Kept getting distracted between tabs haha. Coming down now.

I plan to take my vitamins when I get back from work but who knows what the future will bring. More stupidity ft. me.

Around 86h got the liquid shits, finally. Well - semiliquid. It's only downhill from here. You know. Because water follows gravity and path of least resistance. I can't do a handstand. Idk this is a convoluted joke okay I was trying to be funny. I used to be able to do handstands and walk on my hands too.

Time to drive to work and pretend to not be as fucked up as I am. Oh joy. And then more class. And fall further behind in schoolwork. Midterm exams are in twoish weeks. Hooray.

 

[CommitSudoku]

Thank you so much for the updates, it's quite amazing how you can go between gritty details to well-worded humor. If not for needing to leave to bike to work (probably) through rain, I would post a longer reply now, but for now that will have to wait. "It's all downhill from here" is one of my favorite sayings, you've made it better.
My apologies for a slip-shod response for now, very delayed but let's see if a gif works-

 

[myopybyproxy]

Update: 103h. 55.9kg this evening, ketones were 15-40 this morning. Took my supps today, hooray for self care. And then fucking shot up in the bathroom right before class. Was late and didn't pay attention to much. Lonely. Tired. Much internal tantruming from the little part of me that's scared and small and just wants to be comforted - how I fucking despise myself for indulging in it. And yet - perhaps that path may build a sense of peace toward my exit.

Approx 1.2mL cocaine solution (prepared 1.5 but because I went in so slowly the train started up at 1.2 and I figured that was fine. Rather be unimpressed than suffer a seizure or some other effect. Put the unused .3 back into solution for later use). Because of not sleeping for 50ish hours (idk, lost track) my eyes feel like sand. Smoked a bit of weed - perhaps .03g - and ate a few bits that fell as I flicked the ash away. Was hoping that would allow me to experience a longer lasting high than smoking but without the dysphoria that my edibles have been causing me these days. The dryness from that is not helping lmao.

Other physical effects - 'train' aka strange sound perception (semideafness / metallic monotimbre of surroundings), increased heart rate (110-130? lost count, didn't bother retaking pulse), physical smallness / tension in muscles and hunching of posture - overly accepting my lower centre of gravity despite never really acclimating to it and finding it an odd nuisance to deal with (link to below anxiety also experienced as visceral discomfort within my current human form - however some drugs sensitise physical and emotional sensations so exacerbated what I was already feeling; ie brought it from the subconscious to my awareness. Or is this 'awareness' simply transient stimulant psychosis/delusions?), full body and head buzz. Oddly enough not as much mydriasis as was expecting. Restless mouth/jaw but I automatically chew on my mouth and cheeks sober - been a bad habit for over a decade. Same with scratching at my skin, especially the face.

Expand in furture posts: ignored/repressed anxiety - using 'nothing matters' as a way to calm the constant internal panic. I never thought myself to be an anxious person - and obviously to some extent the drugs cause paranoia etc fuck man wish I had some good xans - but as I dissect my reluctance to go, I realise that SI is the steel grip of anxiety unfurling itself from within its hidey-hole inside me. I have some more things I want to say but I took 20mg suvorexant 1.5h ago and forcing myself to focus on the screen and comprehend and produce words is not it right now. I'll write more in the morning. If I can even remember what I wanted to say. Have been careless about my updates to social media where students from my uni saw them.

Also had moment of hope (? not sure what the word was but I knew this would happen to some extent as it always does during fasts whereby I can actually see my feet without craning my neck out past my stomach) whilst scrutinising body in mirror - saw the possibility of sculpting this physical form into a less repulsive habitat. Need to remind myself that the possibility is so low and out of reach it is essentially impossible. No matter how far I go with focusing on the good, the skeletal structure with its ridiculously close to the ground and forward centre of gravity and hip/buttock region contrast to the rest of the appearance - no matter how much muscle I gain or fat I lose, that hip-waist ratio and bone structre will still be there - especially due to the protrusion where the tailbone would be in a human - constant feeling that my curves are trying to sprout and become even worse (to my view).

Anyhow seeing or rather focusing my vision is becoming more and more difficult, especially regarding electronics / artificial or harsh light. Posting this before I stubbornly force myself to finish everything I can still recall wanting to express and end up accidentally exiting the tab without hitting post.