Depressed as hell. Had all the intentions in the world of CTB this weekend. But on Friday, I gave my SN to someone in my family who would get rid of it. Went to store, got a rope this morning. Intended to go for partial suspension hanging this evening. I tied a noose in one end of the rope, couldn't make myself tie the clove hitch in the other so I could go through with it. Not sure if I want to live, or if I just lack the courage to take my own life.
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Zegers
Enlightened
- Dec 15, 2021
- 1,761
I can't understand people who get an effective product for ctb and throw it away... I read that someone flushed N down the drain.
Rounded Apathy
Longing to return to stardust
- Aug 8, 2022
- 772
That sounds like a really rough spot to be in. Can only imagine the feeling. I hope things pick up for you soon one way or the other 
Howdy!
Well, I can say after 2 attempts, the last one got me a very long hospital stay and I had to fight the court system against a civil commitment and also 66, mention this aspect only because of life experiences, and I am NOT prolife nor pro ctb, just always want the best decision possible.
Ctb is not going anywhere ever and one and done no 2nd thoughts ever. I also have massive depression, BPD, heck everything I also look at that you just joined everyone here, a very smart move, everyone here has been so kind, caring and supportive to me, just wonderful! that take some time, be with everyone here, get a sense of not only yourself but how you effect the world in general. That last aspect of effecting the world is I bet a huge positive not only for yourself but folks around you, even if it is not instantly apparent.
One thing is please, for folks on here, do not "jump" on me as "prolife" as I am not at all. BUT after all these decades on this planet I have through life experience, many ups and downs, learned, especially after the 2nd attempt, to try my best to see the whole picture and not just a slice of it.
All my best to you, as you are a very kind and caring soul, your post, I reread it several times, made those aspects perfectly clear to me.
All my best to you and sending you lots of hugs, smiles and beautiful sunny weather to enjoy.
Walter
PS, yep real 1st name
Well, I can say after 2 attempts, the last one got me a very long hospital stay and I had to fight the court system against a civil commitment and also 66, mention this aspect only because of life experiences, and I am NOT prolife nor pro ctb, just always want the best decision possible.
Ctb is not going anywhere ever and one and done no 2nd thoughts ever. I also have massive depression, BPD, heck everything I also look at that you just joined everyone here, a very smart move, everyone here has been so kind, caring and supportive to me, just wonderful! that take some time, be with everyone here, get a sense of not only yourself but how you effect the world in general. That last aspect of effecting the world is I bet a huge positive not only for yourself but folks around you, even if it is not instantly apparent.
One thing is please, for folks on here, do not "jump" on me as "prolife" as I am not at all. BUT after all these decades on this planet I have through life experience, many ups and downs, learned, especially after the 2nd attempt, to try my best to see the whole picture and not just a slice of it.
All my best to you, as you are a very kind and caring soul, your post, I reread it several times, made those aspects perfectly clear to me.
All my best to you and sending you lots of hugs, smiles and beautiful sunny weather to enjoy.
Walter
PS, yep real 1st name
not-2-b-the-answer
Archangel
- Mar 23, 2018
- 8,928
I hope everything works out for you and you don't have to CTB.
I'm not prolife either but if someone can get better, that is awesome. Maybe a better life, not prolife.
It just doesn't happen for many of us. No matter how hard we pray or wish for things to change.
I don't understand that either but it's not my decision. I would store it somewhere safe in case I wanted to use it later on. Things may go well for awhile but they don't last.
dandan
One more attempt on life.
- Feb 18, 2019
- 1,298
been there, done that, im so sorry bro, dont know what your issues are, but what could you need?
Hollowillow
I want throat hugs & anime! Can't use chat pm me
- Aug 7, 2022
- 1,499
The SI is an autopilot... It can make us do things.
What method sent you in the hospital for a long time? What went wrong?
Howdy!
On my 2nd attempt I was going to take a few pills so that I would relax and then hang myself. The 1st attempt, I got so nervous and the like that it did not work.
The aspect that I cannot figure out to this day is how my mental health clinic, out of the blue. called the cops for them to come by my apartment and do a welfare check. When they came, all hell broke loose and I was told to open the door or they would come through the windows, no choice at all.
Then at the hospital, I was assigned a no-nonsense psychiatrist and on my intake into the hospital. she asked me some questions, and apparently, I must either have not answered them correctly or I said no or whatever and 3 days later I was in court arguing with a judge trying to get out of a civil commitment for at least 6 months.
The time in the hospital, it was 2 weeks, then I was monitored at home for 6 months and I had to do everything that they told me to do, or it was the 6-month stay, again no choice at all in the matter.
I would never ever wish my experience on anyone ever. The hospital food was horrible, the staff, except one nurse, were the worst. Case in point, I was on suicide watch in the hospital and one evening a staff member asked in in the great room where everyone was watching tv, playing games, whatever, if I needed to still be on watch. Everyone looked at me, before this no one knew anything, and I was so embarrassed and the person was so, so clueless.
There is my story in a nutshell.
Walter
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