So disappointed in myself. I've been lurking here for a while without becoming a member reading up on the easiest way to accomplish my goal. I had access to a firearm I bought back in 2018. I finally had enough of realizing that I have destroyed my life over the past 5 years. I was successful at a young age but got caught up in the stupid manifestation hype after watching the secret on Netflix in 2020. Ensued a massive amount of reckless financial and relationship choices that I kept telling myself I would "manifest" my way out of. I finally hit rock bottom. My recent ex found out about my gambling and decided it wasn't something she wanted to deal with. I lost my new job after leaving another one to better align our schedules together. I moved into an apartment that was double the price of my last place so we could have somewhere better to exist together. Then it all came crashing down. The 100k in debt I've amassed, no hopes for owning anything in the future and loss of the only thing that was keeping me from ctb was finally gone. I planned it out perfectly. My roommate was gone for the weekend. I have an insurance policy that will pay out a large sum of money upon my death. I left them a note on how to contact my brother to pay for the apartment once he received the insurance money. Emptied the last 400 out of my bank account so they could at least feed my cat when I was gone. Cleaned the bathroom and bedroom so it wouldn't be much effort for anyone to remove my belongings once I was gone. I made several videos apologizing to everyone and pleading with them not to blame themselves because I had hidden my intentions so well. Plugged my phone in on the counter and disabled the lock screen so they could go and see the videos and instructions I had left. I locked the apartment for what I thought was the last time and drove solemnly to the place I had chosen to ctb. No last minute texts to save me this time. It was just me, the 45 and the desire to no longer exist. I drive down to the area of the park and locked my car. I had a note in my wallet letting the cops know who to contact and where my car was when my body was found. I made the mile long walk in the dark to the top of the hill to the view I wanted to see before I left. Nobody saw me walking, no cars passed. Circumstances were perfect. I sat down on the bench sure of my decision. Dry fired the gun multiple times to be sure I wouldn't flinch. Loaded it, said my goodbyes to the earth and with a smile on my face pressed it against the side of my head. All of the sudden I could smell the ammo. I started imagining myself laying in a hospital from a failed attempt. I just couldn't find the balls to pull the trigger... I feel like such a failure. I can't even ctb right.
Of course I panicked and fled the scene. Paranoid that every car I passed knew my intentions. Stupidly drove to my parents and admitted to my father what I had planned. Promised not to have me admitted if I gave him the gun. Now I'm sitting here the day after with no way to leave and the same shitty feelings of worthlessness. Now compounded with the fact that I couldn't end it when I had the perfect opportunity. Not dying last night feels worse than just realizing how miserable your existence is.
Of course I panicked and fled the scene. Paranoid that every car I passed knew my intentions. Stupidly drove to my parents and admitted to my father what I had planned. Promised not to have me admitted if I gave him the gun. Now I'm sitting here the day after with no way to leave and the same shitty feelings of worthlessness. Now compounded with the fact that I couldn't end it when I had the perfect opportunity. Not dying last night feels worse than just realizing how miserable your existence is.
