Venting Couldn't do it last night

[bygone]

I have everything I need to end it and couldn't do it. Last night I waited the 4 or so hours after my last meal, per the Wikibooks antiemetic regimen and then stood over where I had my antiemetics, working up the courage to open the packaging. After a few minutes, I was able to open them up and put the required dose on the counter. I moved over to the sink where I had a glass with water.

I spent the next 2 hours standing there just trying to get the courage to take the next step. After 2 hours, I went into the fetal position, rocking back and forth. I felt sick both from not being able to kill myself and from my medical conditions. What had stopped me was the fear of there being nothing after death. I just couldn't overcome it. I'm not sure yet if I'll try again today. Am I doomed to live out my days in misery?

 

[Gumby]

Don't beat yourself up too much. This is intense business.

 

[goggleboxer]

I have everything I need to end it and couldn't do it. Last night I waited the 4 or so hours after my last meal, per the Wikibooks antiemetic regimen and then stood over where I had my antiemetics, working up the courage to open the packaging. After a few minutes, I was able to open them up and put the required dose on the counter. I took my N and moved it and the antiemetics over by the sink where I had a glass with water.

I spent the next 2 hours standing there just trying to get the courage to take the next step. After 2 hours, I went into the fetal position, rocking back and forth. I felt sick both from not being able to kill myself and from my medical conditions. What had stopped me was the fear of there being nothing after death. I just couldn't overcome it. I'm not sure yet if I'll try again today. Am I doomed to live out my days in misery?

I get that feeling so much your not alone sometimes I wish I was religious then I could believe in 'something' after death - tbh I know it's a sanctioned suicide website but I imagine a lot of people are thankful you didn't do it family and friends

 

[Tiburcio]

It happened me. I experiended this frustration before and I know exactly how it feels. I'm sorry for you.

 

[Deleted member 847]

Gosh I don't understand you guys. I do fear pain, but never really feared oblivion. I'm sure one day you'll have the courage to achieve what you want.

 

[Sternum]

I have everything I need to end it and couldn't do it. Last night I waited the 4 or so hours after my last meal, per the Wikibooks antiemetic regimen and then stood over where I had my antiemetics, working up the courage to open the packaging. After a few minutes, I was able to open them up and put the required dose on the counter. I took my N and moved it and the antiemetics over by the sink where I had a glass with water.

I spent the next 2 hours standing there just trying to get the courage to take the next step. After 2 hours, I went into the fetal position, rocking back and forth. I felt sick both from not being able to kill myself and from my medical conditions. What had stopped me was the fear of there being nothing after death. I just couldn't overcome it. I'm not sure yet if I'll try again today. Am I doomed to live out my days in misery?

I know how you feel. It's time for me too, and it's just a matter of getting there. It's the toughest thing I've ever faced. You are not alone.

 

[Samuel]

You might be doomed to live your days in misery. I might be as well.

 

[Ln42]

You are definitely not alone. I don't know what my fear is but it's very real. I guess it is the natural survival instinct. People think it's easy but if it were I wouldn't be here now!

 

[Chloe]

I tried drowningkt meinself i kouln't do it.Finally when i tried again someone safed me.I pretended i fell in the water.

 

[Strumgewehr]

I'm no expert but maybe you can take help of drugs

 

[Malice1]

The same exact reason why i couldn't use my N a while back. You have the survival instinct at its simplest form. Fear of terminating your conciousness for good. Dont think because its painless that its going to be easy. Easier than the painful methods sure but not easy.

 

[Smilla]

You have to reach a point where the pain is greater than your fear of the void imo.

 

[Deleted member 847]

You have to reach a point where the pain is greater than your fear of the void imo.

Exactly. I don't want to be offensive, I really don't, but I think some people here don't really want to die, they just think they do.

 

[bygone]

Exactly. I don't want to be offensive, I really don't, but I think some people here don't really want to die, they just think they do.

Who are you to judge? Can any of us really know until we've been to the edge? Is it really so bad for people to come to what should be a non-judgemental space and talk to other people who are likewise unsure if they still have a place in this world? I'd go so far as to say that I don't think most people here really WANT to die; what they want is for their suffering to end, which is not at all the same thing. Death is a means to an end, not the goal itself.

 

[nonexistance]

Exactly. I don't want to be offensive, I really don't, but I think some people here don't really want to die, they just think they do.

This is simply not true. We are all here because of the survival instinct. Otherwise we would have done it already, one way or the other. Yourself included. I don't mean to sound rude, but anyone who claims suicide is easy is actually trying to hide the fact that it's not, for various reasons (for instance to justify having kids because "they can always kill themselves if they don't like it", hiding their own fear, etc). I expected it from pro-lifers who try to justify their nonsense, but to see it on this forum is disappointing. I recently read on another board a post a user made about how he failed the build up the courage to wait for the train while sitting on the rails, how he crawled into the woods when he heard the train and passed out. His post made a deep impression on me. I fail to see how someone could fail to have empathy for him or to claim that he doesn't actually want to die.
This might be the hardest thing a person can do. The hardest. Society tell us it's a cowardly thing to do, in order to keep their illusions intact.
Suicide is for the brave.

 

[Smilla]

Who are you to judge? Can any of us really know until we've been to the edge? Is it really so bad for people to come to what should be a non-judgemental space and talk to other people who are likewise unsure if they still have a place in this world? I'd go so far as to say that I don't think most people here really WANT to die; what they want is for their suffering to end, which is not at all the same thing. Death is a means to an end, not the goal itself.

I don't think he was trying to offend or judge you; don't rush this, you will do it when you are ready that's all. If it's not time, it's not time.

We are all in this together.

 

[Deleted member 847]

Who are you to judge? Can any of us really know until we've been to the edge? Is it really so bad for people to come to what should be a non-judgemental space and talk to other people who are likewise unsure if they still have a place in this world? I'd go so far as to say that I don't think most people here really WANT to die; what they want is for their suffering to end, which is not at all the same thing. Death is a means to an end, not the goal itself.

Relax. I'm not judging anyone. This is just my opinion. If someone really wants something, death or a better life, he will do whatever it takes to get it. Sorry if I offended you though.

 

[Deleted member 847]

There have been people who killed themselves and they were humans like you. There's your evidence that it's not impossible and you're not forced to live or to suffer, it's just that you're not ready yet. Bye. I don't want to have a war with you.

 

[Tiburcio]

Who are you to judge? Can any of us really know until we've been to the edge? Is it really so bad for people to come to what should be a non-judgemental space and talk to other people who are likewise unsure if they still have a place in this world? I'd go so far as to say that I don't think most people here really WANT to die; what they want is for their suffering to end, which is not at all the same thing. Death is a means to an end, not the goal itself.

This is simply not true. We are all here because of the survival instinct. Otherwise we would have done it already, one way or the other. Yourself included. I don't mean to sound rude, but anyone who claims suicide is easy is actually trying to hide the fact that it's not, for various reasons (for instance to justify having kids because "they can always kill themselves if they don't like it", hiding their own fear, etc). I expected it from pro-lifers who try to justify their nonsense, but to see it on this forum is disappointing. I recently read on another board a post a user made about how he failed the build up the courage to wait for the train while sitting on the rails, how he crawled into the woods when he heard the train and passed out. His post made a deep impression on me. I fail to see how someone could fail to have empathy for him or to claim that he doesn't actually want to die.
This might be the hardest thing a person can do. The hardest. Society tell us it's a cowardly thing to do, in order to keep their illusions intact.
Suicide is for the brave.

Good thing you said it. Comments like that makes me feel bad, I could expect this from another person but... Somebody in a fucking suicide forum???
If things were so easy as he says, 90% of this site would be DEAD and the only alive people will be that ones who really don't want to die and have hope for a better life. This shit of "if you really want to die you would already did it" must disappear.

 

[bygone]

There have been people who killed themselves and they were humans like you. There's your evidence that it's not impossible and you're not forced to live or to suffer, it's just that you're not ready yet. Bye. I don't want to have a war with you.

It's hard to accurately read the tone from someone's post online. I didn't mean to offend you any more than you meant to offend me - I just wanted to get my point across, too. We're good. I value your opinion.

 

[Deleted member 847]

Let's make a deal, if tonight I don't die and tomorrow I'm online tell the mods to ban me for being a hypocrite.

 

[Deleted member 847]

It's hard to accurately read the tone from someone's post online. I didn't mean to offend you any more than you meant to offend me - I just wanted to get my point across, too. We're good. I value your opinion.

No problem

 

[RainAndSadness]

Committing suicide isn't a competition. It's not a race. You won't win a price. Just pointing that out.

 

[nonexistance]

Let's make a deal, if tonight I don't die and tomorrow I'm online tell the mods to ban me for being a hypocrite.

Even if you do kill yourself tonight, your affirmation remains false. You prove nothing by killing yourself. We already know it's not impossible.
As much as I believe that life is suffering and nonexistence preferable to existence, I strongly advice you against killing yourself on impulse. The risk of failing and living crippled is horrifying. Take your time to find the right method, we're all in this together.

 

[Deleted member 847]

Even if you do kill yourself tonight, your affirmation remains false. You prove nothing by killing yourself. We already know it's not impossible.
As much as I believe that life is suffering and nonexistence preferable to existence, I strongly advice you against killing yourself on impulse. The risk of failing and living crippled is horrifying. Take your time to find the right method, we're all in this together.

Then I win this "debate" because my point was: hey this is not impossible, it just take practice. And if you really want this, you'll practice. There's no gatekeeper that forces you to stay here. Peace.

 

[BellaKAT]

Then I win this "debate" because my point was: hey this is not impossible, it just take practice. And if you really want this, you'll practice. There's no gatekeeper that forces you to stay here. Peace.

I don't think anyone was trying to debate against that. Everyone here has their own reason for suicidal ideation. It's hard to know how you really feel til you're in that moment where you're about to die. You might be afraid of pain and another person might be more afraid of the exestential implications. More people have some concern with both. All are valid.

 

[Deleted member 847]

I don't think anyone was trying to debate against that. Everyone here has their own reason for suicidal ideation. It's hard to know how you really feel til you're in that moment where you about to die. You might be afraid of pain and another person might be more afraid of the exestrntial implications. More people have some concern with both. All are valid.

Ok, I understand. I didn't want to offend. All I'm saying: you are stronger than your survival instinct. believe in yourself. I agree with you.

 

[WakingUpFrightened]

Even for those who wish for it, death is still scary, few suicidal people can actually commit to it, most here will NEVER beat that survival instinct.

 

[Samuel]

Even for those who wish for it, death is still scary, few suicidal people can actually commit to it, most here will NEVER beat that survival instinct.

Sad

 

[Definitelyworried]

I have everything I need to end it and couldn't do it. Last night I waited the 4 or so hours after my last meal, per the Wikibooks antiemetic regimen and then stood over where I had my antiemetics, working up the courage to open the packaging. After a few minutes, I was able to open them up and put the required dose on the counter. I moved over to the sink where I had a glass with water.

I spent the next 2 hours standing there just trying to get the courage to take the next step. After 2 hours, I went into the fetal position, rocking back and forth. I felt sick both from not being able to kill myself and from my medical conditions. What had stopped me was the fear of there being nothing after death. I just couldn't overcome it. I'm not sure yet if I'll try again today. Am I doomed to live out my days in misery?

The same thing happened to me but with a noose, and it wasn't the fear of pain so much, rather than the thought of not existence or even hell. I guess you could say it was the fear of the unknown. I know that if I had a more painless form, I still would not have been able to do it.
There was a time though where I had truly attempted with partial hanging, but that method is less efficient than full suspension and i backed out due to the discomfort I was feeling and the time it took lead my survival instinct to kick in.
I have a full suspension set up now. I'm still having trouble talking my self into it. I been like this for at least 4 months.
Not easy one bit.