Could I make life worth it?

[Tired&Drained]

I've been a pessimist for a long time, I guess on an intellectual level I've thought life isn't really worth it for awhile, but I think now I've really internalized it, for a long time love has been my religion and my addiction, my first love gave me a will to live for the sake of our happiness that I hadn't felt since I was a kid. When we broke up I really broke, and if I hadn't met my ex at the bar I was going to kill myself a week later, but I got another hit that kept me going for awhile.

Now I know that it wasn't even really them, I daydreamed about them all day and created a romanticized fantasy in my head, I was living in a delusion for so long and now I feel like I'm not, but if not love I don't know what can fill that void consuming me from the inside. When I get back I'm finally going to write my note because I don't know how much longer I have left.

Is there a way to make things worth it? My first love said to get hobbies which I'm gonna try and work on. I really want help even though I know no one can fix this for me, I honestly don't even really think that I can. I guess what's the point I'm not giving it a try though, oblivion awaits anyhow.

I have autism, depression, histrionic personality disorder, adhd, and im trans

 

[Live and Let Die]

Life can definitely be worth it, It's only a matter of excruciating effort and persistence; unfortunately depression really saps you of those. Regardless, your first love is right, finding hobbies and things you love to do for the sake of you is the best thing someone can do regardless of their mental state. For me, it was guitar, that was 14 years ago and I still play every day. When I feel down, I play myself a sad song and think about things with my personal melody soothing my soul, for those energetic times I play well, fitting songs or improvise and play on the spot. Try and find a hobby related to something you already love. I've always been a sucker for good music so guitar kinda just, happened.

Wishing you the best, regardless of outcome.
LoLD

 

[Seven Threads]

Hey there, tired and drained. I'm sorry to hear that you've been cut off from what served as your reason to live. Losing that sense of purpose, that reason to hang on that makes everything worth it, is a very painful thing to have to go through. And the hollowness it leaves you with is, at least in my opinion, an incredibly 'sticky' form of malaise that is extremely difficult to shake off or find a way out of.

What I can say about your situation is that you're not alone. If anything, it's a bit endemic these days; a whole lot of people are coming to feel like they're just treading water without any real sense of purpose or reason for being. I'm not quite at the level where I can theorize on exactly why this is happening, but I recognize that it is.

I think that's what keeps me going, if I'm being honest. I'm a depressed autistic with adhd myself, and knowing just how many people there are out there going through what I do makes it a little easier to bear. There's a sense or community, of belonging, that makes me want to hold on for the sake of it and to connect. I think that's why a lot of people on this site find it helpful and feel like it improved their lives, in spite of everything. We need to feel like we belong.

I can't answer for all of the things that could potentially fill that void that you feel, or even if it's possible in the first place. I can only speak for myself, from my own experience, in the hope that maybe that experience will be useful to you. But for me, I fill the void by fighting back against the despair that made it. I don't want people who are like me to suffer in the way that I do. So when I can provide just a little of that connection and understanding, and it helps someone feel some sense of belonging, that helps me feel better. It's a selfish motive at the end of the day, but we're selfish creatures, and I'm not ashamed of that.

What's more, I also belong to a number of ostracized communities, both as a result of my mental health conditions, and also on account of being gay. On a daily basis, I witness how these communities struggle to be accepted and heard within society. I want them to succeed. I want to see and live in a world where people who are different are met with acceptance and understanding, and to do what I can to grow and foster that world. Moreover...I'm curious. I can't help it, I'm an intellectual. As much as I want things to get better, regardless of how things go, I want to see it happen. I want to be here to see how things resolve. I think that's just human nature, to want to bear witness on behalf of the causes we care about.

That connection, the bond that I have to the people who suffer in the same ways that I do, to the struggles of people like me just trying to make their way in the world, that's what fills the void. In order to let go, I'd have to let go of my ability to care about that community, and I just can't. And even if I could, I wouldn't want to. It's too meaningful to me.

Perhaps there's some sense of community that would do it for you? I know there are an awful lot of deeply empathetic and compassionate people on this site who are in a position to understand what you're going through. Maybe leaning into that might be able to help a little.