Story Cops were called and so I was put into a psych-ward and it really gave me time to reflect on CTB'ing (and thoughts on mental health)

[Paralyzed boy]

Anyways, TLDR of why I had a mental breakdown; I suffered a work place accident and severely damaged my shoulder; my parents didn't believe me so I literally went to work, did house chores using only my left arm the pain became so exacerbated i couldn't even move my fingers which led to a 3-4 month period of having to beg to be spoonfed, showered and taken care of by my parents. The nerves surrounding my shoulder and neck have been so damaged I even have trouble keeping my neck up and breathing day to day, and may permanently keep me away from working not just my original job but any job.

Cops show up and I'm taken away
I was taken to a psych-ward after my sister called the cops on me for having a mental breakdown in front of my parents (which obviously can't be thoroughly explained in this post alone). Keep in mind it is ironic because I am a licensed social worker, (but if a doctor can get sick, why can't a social worker have battles with mental illness). Anyways, as the cops arrived I sat quietly on the bench waiting for them and explained to them my situation (I was injuried but my parents didn't believe me, even made me feel guilty for being injured and pushed me to work and do house chores till the pain in my shoulders was so strong I couldn't even move my fingers). My parents think if I get hospitalized for mental illness my career as a social worker is over and I can never practice social work again (False btw). Cops were generally understanding of me, handcuffed me but while dropping me off at the hospital offered to buy me anything I wanted from the cafeteria.

Keep in mind this is my first time being placed in a psych-ward, any having read so much on SS I was like...damn, alot of the stuff on this forum resonates with me so much.

First night and Overall stay

Without trying to give away too much, I'm from Canada. I was basically hospitalized for mental distress (my parents word over mine). While waiting in the ER because the cops didn't know what to do with me, an ER doctor saw me, said to me "your parents are concerned you are suicidal, and you have self-harmed yourself," and I was basically placed on a form 1 (involuntary hospitalization for 72 hours.) Which was basically a sentence to be placed into a psych-ward, however the first night the psych-ward was full so I literally had to be placed in a holding area with just a bed and couldn't leave my room. (No furniture, nothing, just a hospital bed).

Transferred into a Psych-ward

Honestly psych-wards and mental illness often gets a bad wrap. Going in a psych-ward I expected the worst, but as it turns out; theirs severity to mental illness. (Where I was put, it was called the "mood disorder unit"). It was the least restrictive psych-ward; you could leave your room, their was usually a common room that had a tv; and maybe a few books or magazines you could read. There would be a office which all the nurses would be and you could ask for anything; clothes to shower,information and blah blah blah. Honestly, throughout my stay, I would say that it wasn't so bad. If a toxic environment is contributing to your desire to CTB getting out of it for a few days definitely made me changed my perspective, even if it was only for that stay. The most important thing I noticed was that being in the psych-ward was everyone was in their for different reasons but they just lumped everyone together. Having talked to alot of people, only 1 out of maybe 20 was there because they wanted to CTB, (it was a young person too and she definitely regretted it). But the basic reminded me that often society loves to clump anyone with a mental health issue and just places them together in the ward.

Things I actually enjoyed about the Ward

-Clean clothes and a change of clothes whenever you asked
-Having the stress of the outside world cut off from you and to really think about your own thoughts
-Meds that I didn't even know about that actually helped can be prescribed can aide in your ctb (Zopiclone)
-Being feed for free and not having to worry about cleaning or looking after yourself( food as often decent)
-Talking to other inmates because alot of them aren't bad
-Watching t.v and realizing that people still watch t.v even tho its 2020
-the ambiance of an all white room and the ward helped with the reflecting and understanding of my life crisis and situation
-without access to my phone; I didn't need to spike an anxiety one forums ans social media, it was literally just me and thoughts, my issues and how/when I am going to CTB.

What I reflected on while in the ward

The psychiatrist obliviously gave me meds; mirtazapine to be exact along side zopiclone. Let me tell you that zopiclone alone has given me the best sleep of my life ever since I had depression. When talking to the psychiatrist they take your word; so if you can give them rational response they treat you as such (minus ever mention anything about wanting to CTB). I technically was allowed to leave after my 3 day form expired but I stayed an extra day because of how peaceful it was. Psychiatrist said I could stay for up to a week. Stripping alot of factors that were damaging my mental health (parents, social media and phone) I had this eeiry calm about ctbing. Everyone has reason to ctb but staying at the psych ward definitely made sure my desire to CTB should be rational and not impulsive. I thought to myself long and hard and the answer still remained the same; being dead doesn't seem so bad, and understanding that what has happened has happened (loosing alot of function in both my arms and all the health problems that alongside it will probably prevent my from working or living a reasonable standard of life).

Closing thought

Although I am disappointed and obviously traumatized about what has happened,the choice between dying and the pain of living becomes pretty clear; however I personally think that even though CTB'ing is inevitable, I think its easier for myself to accept when you look at the positives I have gotten to experience in life that outweigh'ed the negatives; got to have a gf, got to be super fit and have peak physique, lots of friends, etc. I think overall, I think it's important to remain pro-choice but I think if theres anything that the psychward and this forum has thought me is that CTB isn't a race to see how fast you can get there. Although CTB is personal, I think its important to explore options and wait and see. Not to get all preachy but sometimes when you take yourself out of a environment you can clarity of thought. Having my meds anti-depressants switched have really helped with my mental although it doesn't change my debilitating physical health (which is why I want to CTB is the first place) I think seeing the girl locked up for CTB was honestly the best thing to ever happen to her, since she told me she was on the hotline while overdosing on sleeping pills and my god she was young (maybe 17 or 18?) for getting into a fight with her parents? Seeing her get discharged and jumping for joy and wanting to go home makes me realize that CTB should not be half-assed. Anything impulsive could lead to something worst than the psychward and I thank god SS exist to talk people out of stupid things and be a place to let people vent. (To think I wanted to geniunley wanted to CTB via carcrash;). I think people's problems reasons and urges to CTB always range and vary and are always valid but a plan to CTB is just as important as the reason. Sometimes time heals all, or maybe lets things become less shitter.

 

[lifeisbutadream]

Very interesting and thoughtfully written. It's good to hear that there are at least some good places like that because mostly they seem to sound like nightmare hellholes.

Is your shoulder and arm getting better? Have you gotten proper medical attention for that?

 

[Deardaddy]

Hope it helps you

 

[AintNoWayOut]

you're in somewhat of a similar place to me as i've suffered from severe neck pain the past six years of my life, and its likely permanent... main difference being i havent gotten to experience many good things in life such as having a gf, social circle, etc because that came along and messed everything up for me during important transitional years of my life.

idk, im afraid to "snap" and be thrown in one of those places... i dont think it'd change my perspective at all, so long as im dealing with this bullshit pain im likely to continue wanting to die. and again, i dont have good memories to look back on either, all i can do is wonder what those experiences could've been like had my life not taken this turn. i'd much rather just off myself than have a breakdown and end up in a hospital, freak my family out, etc. i just wanna end the misery.

 

[TAW122]

That's an interesting read and I'm glad to hear that things weren't as "bad" as you've thought in the psych ward you stayed at. I suppose it varies from country to country and even hospital to hospital (some are nicer than others). As for me, I'm an US citizen so of course, things would be very different. While I never been in one voluntarily nor involuntarily, I have heard many stories that aren't pleasant at all and afaik, if one gets involuntarily committed in the US, they lose their firearms rights (2nd amendment rights) and to some people that is a very big deal. But that's not all... in the US, when one gets sent to the hospital, ER, psych ward, they are billed for the services rendered (room, treatment, food, facilities, etc.) and if someone who is suicidal due to environmental and financial reasons, it may even be enough to send them over the edge. The US healthcare system is a clusterfuck of a mess, but that's another story for another time.

 

[Escape Artist]

I'm glad you had an alright experience with both police and hospital. This has NOT been my experience. I'm very mild mannered and I've been screamed at by police, handcuffed and dragged away without shoes in the winter. I've stayed in psyche hospitals with feces smeared on the walls and ceiling. I've witnessed abuse of other patients by both staff and other patients. I had my debit card stolen by staff, used and returned. I had the proof on my records that it was used, but I was too traumatized by my stay to report it to the police. Staff can be so cruel in these places.

I'm very glad you're a pro-choice social worker. I assume this means that if someone confides suicidal thoughts to you that you don't report it or tell anyone. I no longer tell ANYONE. I do talk to my therapist but only very carefully. I never say how bad I feel. It's a terrible, terrible system. A true dystopian nightmare. It's awful that we have to end our lives feeling so alone and scared using questionable methods. It's a nightmare police state because no one has the courage to face a loved one's death. It's not really even love at all, but a controlling attachment. I know it's that way in Canada too, not just the US.

 

[VIBRITANNIA]

i'm glad you were able to be in a space that let you sort out your thoughts and emotions, but i'm sorry that something terrible had to happen in order for you to get to that space. i'm also glad to hear that the psych ward treated you well. i agree that ctb should be a rational decision instead of an impulsive one.

wishing you peace in whatever you decide.

 

[ladolcemorte]

Thanks for this very elaborate description. It is always interesting to read about other people's experiences.

I have been in the psych ward many times. Sometimes it was ok--maybe even mildly pleasant. A few times it was awful. I have had the pleasure of being in various wards across the country, and the standards vary across institutions. I also find it depends on who your doctors and nurses are. I have had some truly wonderful doctors and nurses in the past, and they helped me hang on a little bit longer.

 

[Huntfish34]

Thanks for the Detailed story you told us,. I've often wondered if some of the stays could be.. Okay or pleasant in any way. Not sure if it's Quite the same but I've been going to a IOP Alumni program for 1 day / 1 hr session a week ( started that because of my lawyer recommendation / probation 18 months) and continued for the past 3 years or so at a mental / behavioral hospital. It's been Mostly voluntary on my part and enjoyed Most of it with great people along the way.

Peace and love to ya. Hope it all works out for you.