Venting Coping with the aftermath of emotional abuse

[escapefromabuse]

There's no way I could fit my story into one post and expect anyone to read it. I'll try to hit the major spots and hope it makes sense lol.

In 2012 I met who I thought was my soulmate. We clicked in a way I've never experienced before and I thought we were destined for great things. It was like love at first sight and I fell madly in love with her. I ignored the subtle digs at my self-esteem and self-worth for years.

So 7.5 years, 2 kids and a co-owned house later and we're locked in a battle over the kids and the house. I've tried multiple times to settle the legal issues and she's either ignored me, flat out declines to settle, or pokes me in the chest in a way that makes settlement impossible, all the while twisting it to make me look unreasonable.

I'm currently hopelessly cornered from a legal standpoint. I'm forced to litigate issues that should have simple terms. I've even offered to just walk away from the house and let her sell it and keep all the equity. I want her to just go away and leave me be. She won't. She won't until she's sure I'm left with nothing.

 

[Polka]

it seems like there is no way to learn some lessons easily.

Maybe a different lawyer? Have you tried forums where men share their stories about these issues?

You got conned by the soulmate myth. It's a lie.

 

[escapefromabuse]

it seems like there is no way to learn some lessons easily.

Maybe a different lawyer? Have you tried forums where men share their stories about these issues?

You got conned by the soulmate myth. It's a lie.

Unfortunately I'm out of money for a lawyer. I've talked to a lot of people, including professionals. The consensus seems to be, at minimum, she's got sociopathic tendencies if not a full blown personality disorder. She's remorseless and will not hesitate to deal crushing legal blows because she can.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

My first thought is to recommend the book In Sheep's Clothing for tools so that, when no contact is not an option, you can maintain your boundaries and your power, and more effectively communicate with someone who only wins or loses, who views every interaction and relationship as a challenge they must win.

Other books I recommend are Boundaries, and two of Patricia Evans's books, I think the titles are Controlling People and Victory Over Verbal Abuse. I also recommend talks by and interviews with Brenee Brown. The more you like and respect yourself, and the more you take back your awareness of reality and the confidence to define yourself, the less power your ex will have to shake your well-being. (I really like the post on your other thread that said there are no fucks being given in his house.)

Your other thread in Suicide Discussion led me to understand that you are seeking to escape your ex because of the power she has demonstrated in relentlessly pursuing destroying the lives of her perceived enemies. It seems like you're perceiving a double-bind that either she destroys your life, or you end it yourself so that she can do no further damage. This plays into her mindset of ultimate wins and ultimate losses. She's calling all the shots, even in your inner self. That's a goal of narcissists and manipulators, to convince others of the realities they dictate and of their ultimate control.

I wonder if you could talk to her ex who is in jail and ask him what, in retrospect, he could have done differently, and would he choose self-annihilation over the results of her ability to wield power such that he was imprisoned.

I don't suggest you stop considering suicide, the consideration is going to reveal a lot. If you don't really want to, then what's important and what is possible will find ways to reveal themselves....until you're not alive and they can't. In the struggle, you can find or re-recognize your power, and you can discover where she does and does not have power over you. Whatever you are attached to, she will attack to cause suffering, and sometimes she will win. I think it's impossible to be completely unattached, so I don't suggest it. I do suggest imagining every worst scenario. Are they survivable? Will you lose your very self?

I would suggest finding others who have emerged empowered from such situations, like the other person who posted that I mentioned. Find out what are their tools and resources. Folks like your ex tend to isolate their intended victims, because support empowers. If she convinced you someone in your life was bad for you, consider the potential value of reconnecting. And talking with compassionate others, getting support like you are here, is power that serves you. Maybe there are support groups for surviving and thriving after narcissistic partners.

The thought I had that inspired me to write to you was this: If you keep fighting and you lose, at least you fought with honor and courage. The enemy can't take that from you.

I hope something I've said here serves you. Glad you're posting and engaging.

 

[escapefromabuse]

@GoodPersonEffed That's a lot of great information and insights. I would add one more book: Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft.

I've been talking to a DV/trauma counselor since last May. He's said this is the most regular cycle he's ever seen. I'm without a doubt damaged. He's said at times it's interesting for him to watch me unwind that damage. Then, when I see her and interact with her, even minimally, and it's all set back to square one.

With her it's less about boundaries and communication and more about her desire to win and be proven "right." I can't and will never win with her. She's smart and very good at convincing everyone that I'm the problem when all I want at this point is to get away.

She's currently got a contempt charge against me and I will not be able to satisfy it, so I'll see the inside of a jail cell before summer. She won't negotiate or settle. I'll also end up paying attorney fees for both the custody case and the lawsuit over our house.

What's best for me, how I survive, is to cut all ties and run far away. I can't do that with the contempt charge because then I've failed to appear. I've tried to settle things and she has no interest. I've gone through her lawyer so my contact is minimal with her. I've also gone through the neutral lawyer handling the sale of our house. He doesn't understand why she won't settle. I understand why she won't.

I'm 100% trapped with no way out.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Well shit.

And...I care.

 

[escapefromabuse]

Well shit.

And...I care.

Yeah she's scary. I swatted a hornet's nest last year and now I'll pay. She left me broken and homeless and the icing on the cake will be that I wind up in jail.