Venting Coping with aging after 18

[burner4242]

Growing up was hell, poverty and abuse and lack of a stable role model does a number on someone.

In high school we'd have to write short prompts about what we dreamed of doing and what ever after graduation. I remember staring blankly and telling my teacher "I don't know" she would smartassidly state "you better hurry up you're running out of time to decide, you're almost grown" …oh

Truth is I didn't see myself growing up and ever being anything worth bragging about. My father is in prison for drugs and theft and has been in and out my whole life. My mother always said I would end up like my father and end up being his cell mate. Why? Idk I guess she sensed the fuck up I am before me. My mom is mentally ill so idk if I can blame her for not being much of a positive influence in my life.

She was mentally, emotionally and physically abusive at times. Times would get rough and I would tell her "I want to kill myself" to which she would respond "If you're going to do it do it and stop being a pussy" or "I don't care"

So truth to my high school teachers, I didn't see myself growing up I seen myself dying as soon as the clock struck midnight and i turned 18 or maybe even younger.

Now in the next couple of months I'll be 23, I'm in college. I hate it but I think it's the only thing I have going for me in life at all tbh. Even though I hate it and my major is super heavy. Idk I feel like I'm just in college to give myself a purpose and something to do to distract myself from how much I hate being here. After childhood trauma then add medical trauma just 2.5 years ago. My mind and eagerness to heal is fried.

It's summer break and I'm miserable and I'm not handling it well what so ever. No friends, no one to talk to, I relapsed into self harm I just go to work to escape my bedroom.

I wish I had friends. I'm so socially introverted and don't click with most people I'm hopeless.

 

[Timothy7dff]

The whole world is messed up. I hate to break it to you, but college is as good as it gets. Once that's done, then you're just working to pay bills.

You didn't meet anyone in your classes?

 

[burner4242]

The whole world is messed up. I hate to break it to you, but college is as good as it gets. Once that's done, then you're just working to pay bills.

You didn't meet anyone in your classes?

I'm a medical student so I guess saving people will make me feel better, I like helping. I still have 7-8 years left so I guess that's something to keep holding onto for hope. And no unfortunately I'm extremely introverted due to PTSD from a medical accident. Also a relatively small school not a lot of options on campus.

 

[ihateearth]

Growing up was hell, poverty and abuse and lack of a stable role model does a number on someone.

In high school we'd have to write short prompts about what we dreamed of doing and what ever after graduation. I remember staring blankly and telling my teacher "I don't know" she would smartassidly state "you better hurry up you're running out of time to decide, you're almost grown" …oh

Truth is I didn't see myself growing up and ever being anything worth bragging about. My father is in prison for drugs and theft and has been in and out my whole life. My mother always said I would end up like my father and end up being his cell mate. Why? Idk I guess she sensed the fuck up I am before me. My mom is mentally ill so idk if I can blame her for not being much of a positive influence in my life.

She was mentally, emotionally and physically abusive at times. Times would get rough and I would tell her "I want to kill myself" to which she would respond "If you're going to do it do it and stop being a pussy" or "I don't care"

So truth to my high school teachers, I didn't see myself growing up I seen myself dying as soon as the clock struck midnight and i turned 18 or maybe even younger.

Now in the next couple of months I'll be 23, I'm in college. I hate it but I think it's the only thing I have going for me in life at all tbh. Even though I hate it and my major is super heavy. Idk I feel like I'm just in college to give myself a purpose and something to do to distract myself from how much I hate being here. After childhood trauma then add medical trauma just 2.5 years ago. My mind and eagerness to heal is fried.

It's summer break and I'm miserable and I'm not handling it well what so ever. No friends, no one to talk to, I relapsed into self harm I just go to work to escape my bedroom.

I wish I had friends. I'm so socially introverted and don't click with most people I'm hopeless.

She sounds like my mother egging me on to kill myself because she was such a shit mom. Never ever think her opinion matters. She was broken as a human long before you. Her dreams were crushed. She wants to harm or stifle you!

She didn't have what is takes to be above basic in life. Become successful & humble her. Don't take it personal. Put her destructive energy behind a wall so it doesn't hurt you

 

[burner4242]

She sounds like my mother egging me on to kill myself because she was such a shit mom. Never ever think her opinion matters. She was broken as a human long before you. Her dreams were crushed. She wants to harm or stifle you!

She always said I'd never make it in college. I put it off for a few years believing she was right. Last august I moved onto campus. I only started my college last year because I was extremely suicidal and had to do something. She told me I wouldn't survive on my own being by myself and I would move back home and drop out within a month or two. I survived all year and I miss it. I hope I graduate and prove them all wrong. None of my family really sees me graduating or at least with the degree I want.

 

[DeathWish3301]

I can relate to your abusive background. Father was nothing but abusive until he abandoned me at twelve years old; only popped into my life to tell me that I'm a loser and failure. Lived with my Mom who was an abusive drug addict, I was homeless for at least a quarter of high school and would stay with my best friend at the time cause she'd throw me out in a drug fueled rage. Grew up completely alone.

I'm sorry that you didn't get good parents. It's fucked up, unfair and puts you at a huge handicap in life. It sets you back years. Honestly, it's one of the worse things that can happen to someone, in my opinion.

I've been suicidal since my teens and thought I would've CTB'd back then. I'm in my very late twenties and can't believe I'm still around. It's a very weird feeling that you've lived beyond an idealized expiration date. I didn't plan for my future because I had zero intention being alive as an adult.

Shit only gets more difficult as you age, especially making friends. People move away, focus on their careers, start families, prioritize their romantic relationships, etc.

Is it your goal to make friends? Is that what you want?

 

[aidic]

This is something that eludes me as well, aging from child -> adolescent -> adult is such a confusing and difficult process and it's like my brain cannot comprehend that there are people out there who had a beautiful, mostly pleasant experience doing so. Nothing can ever be flawless or perfect, but it's beyond strange to me that we're supposed to just figure it out, mostly on our own.

Obviously I don't know your mother, but I do blame her for behaving the way you're describing. No human being who understands how the world works would speak to a child they brought into this world that way. I really do believe that a lot of parents have extreme resentment for their children and the reality is a lot of people should not even be allowed to have children.

You're only going to be this age once and in these moments. Throw yourself into your studies. Try to love yourself.

 

[burner4242]

I can relate to your abusive background. Father was nothing but abusive until he abandoned me at twelve years old; only popped into my life to tell me that I'm a loser and failure. Lived with my Mom who was an abusive drug addict, I was homeless for at least a quarter of high school and would stay with my best friend at the time cause she'd throw me out in a drug fueled rage. Grew up completely alone.

I'm sorry that you didn't get good parents. It's fucked up, unfair and puts you at a huge handicap in life. It sets you back years. Honestly, it's one of the worse things that can happen to someone, in my opinion.

I've been suicidal since my teens and thought I would've CTB'd back then. I'm in my very late twenties and can't believe I'm still around. It's a very weird feeling that you've lived beyond an idealized expiration date. I didn't plan for my future because I had zero intention being alive as an adult.

Shit only gets more difficult as you age, especially making friends. People move away, focus on their careers, start families, prioritize their romantic relationships, etc.

Is it your goal to make friends? Is that what you want?

I've been couch surfing since 18 because I left due to the living conditions. Occasionally I'll crash at my mothers but I'm no way do I willing or enjoy staying there. living on campus is my "home" sad to say. And idk if I really have a goal to make friends. I try to make friends I'm not a dick and I try to push myself into socializing but everyone I seem to befriend or I'm drawn to kinda only seems to tolerate me or just doesn't want anything to do with me.

This is something that eludes me as well, aging from child -> adolescent -> adult is such a confusing and difficult process and it's like my brain cannot comprehend that there are people out there who had a beautiful, mostly pleasant experience doing so. Nothing can ever be flawless or perfect, but it's beyond strange to me that we're supposed to just figure it out, mostly on our own.

Obviously I don't know your mother, but I do blame her for behaving the way you're describing. No human being who understands how the world works would speak to a child they brought into this world that way. I really do believe that a lot of parents have extreme resentment for their children and the reality is a lot of people should not even be allowed to have children.

You're only going to be this age once and in these moments. Throw yourself into your studies. Try to love yourself.

I try to be understanding, I'm the oldest so it's so confusing watching her treat and talk to my younger siblings so different. Seeing them be handed things in life I still don't have myself and I have to work for. I mean if it was due to money issues when I was younger the least she could do is maybe help. But wait… "you're an adult now you're not my problem anymore" is her favorite thing to say to me when I bring it up. I think it's just a me thing.

 

[DeathWish3301]

I've been couch surfing since 18 because I left due to the living conditions. Occasionally I'll crash at my mothers but I'm no way do I willing or enjoy staying there. living on campus is my "home" sad to say. And idk if I really have a goal to make friends. I try to make friends I'm not a dick and I try to push myself into socializing but everyone I seem to befriend or I'm drawn to kinda only seems to tolerate me or just doesn't want anything to do with me.

I don't have anywhere to live right now so you're already doing better than me.

It's not "sad" that campus is your home right now. Like I said, we both got fucked. Your mom's place should be your home; it's just because you got a shitty mom, too. You were robbed, and I'm sorry.

I'm relating to you on a lot, it would appear.

I've had various friend groups over the course of my life, and I always felt the same way. Like I was only tolerated or seen as the expendable friend, the friend no one actually liked or wanted to be around. Proven to be true cause I was always abandoned, eventually.

There's going to be a few obstacles with making friends from your background. One of them is going to be attracting selfish and shitty people because it's what you're familiar with, and you'll do it subconsciously most times.

I can give you some tips towards making friends if that's what you're seeking (YMMV). But if you're just miserable and hate life, that's a separate issue.

 

[burner4242]

I don't have anywhere to live right now so you're already doing better than me.

It's not "sad" that campus is your home right now. Like I said, we both got fucked. Your mom's place should be your home; it's just because you got a shitty mom, too. You were robbed, and I'm sorry.

I'm relating to you on a lot, it would appear.

I've had various friend groups over the course of my life, and I always felt the same way. Like I was only tolerated or seen as the expendable friend, the friend no one actually liked or wanted to be around. Proven to be true cause I was always abandoned, eventually.

There's going to be a few obstacles with making friends from your background. One of them is going to be attracting selfish and shitty people because it's what you're familiar with, and you'll do it subconsciously most times.

I can give you some tips towards making friends if that's what you're seeking (YMMV). But if you're just miserable and hate life, that's a separate issue.

My middle school/high school friends all of a sudden abandoned me for religion within a year. We grew distant but I used to be able to depend on them no matter what and how long we hadn't spoken they were my "rock" but now the second I try to talk to them they act like satan himself sent them a DM. It's a weird feeling having people interested in you but then abandon you after a little while when I'm the complete opposite. I think friends would be cool but I just get the feeling they'd all sorta get tired of me and I'd probably distance myself from them because I feel like a burden. Also I'm kinda fucking lame. I don't really play games or watch TV I sorta just "exist" in my free time.

 

[whywere]

I truly cried reading your thread, as it mirrored my upbringing till, I was 18 and I got kicked out. My heart and soul go out to you, as we are family on this aspect.

I am 68, but I can still remember being called "the mistake" back in the 1960's and it still stings. BUT I went to college at 24, yes, I heard through the grape vine that my "parents" said that I would never make it, guess what, sure did and so will you.

I know it is easy to say and harder than heavens to do, but slowly start thinking of oneself and turn a deaf ear to all the negative noise.

You are a VERY intelligent person with so much to not only give yourself but humanity.

Just because your dad made less than stellar decisions in his life, yours will be so much different.

WE have so much in common, yes decades are between us, but all the drama and negative yapping at you and also me, way back when, is just that yapping.

I told myself at 24, that I was going to do really good, and I had to work my head off, but yep and you will also.

I wish I could be there and help you as far as having to put up with so much negative noise, so heart breaking, BUT YOU can overcome all the noise around you and break free and lead a wonderful life, I 100% firmly believe it and a lot of what I have said is pure life experience from being 68 years of age.

Lots of extremely well wishes and I am not on 100% of the time, but please feel free to send me a message and we can talk if you so desire.

Walter

 

[burner4242]

Th

I truly cried reading your thread, as it mirrored my upbringing till, I was 18 and I got kicked out. My heart and soul go out to you, as we are family on this aspect.

I am 68, but I can still remember being called "the mistake" back in the 1960's and it still stings. BUT I went to college at 24, yes, I heard through the grape vine that my "parents" said that I would never make it, guess what, sure did and so will you.

I know it is easy to say and harder than heavens to do, but slowly start thinking of oneself and turn a deaf ear to all the negative noise.

You are a VERY intelligent person with so much to not only give yourself but humanity.

Just because your dad made less than stellar decisions in his life, yours will be so much different.

WE have so much in common, yes decades are between us, but all the drama and negative yapping at you and also me, way back when, is just that yapping.

I told myself at 24, that I was going to do really good, and I had to work my head off, but yep and you will also.

I wish I could be there and help you as far as having to put up with so much negative noise, so heart breaking, BUT YOU can overcome all the noise around you and break free and lead a wonderful life, I 100% firmly believe it and a lot of what I have said is pure life experience from being 68 years of age.

Lots of extremely well wishes and I am not on 100% of the time, but please feel free to send me a message and we can talk if you so desire.

Walter

I truly cried reading your thread, as it mirrored my upbringing till, I was 18 and I got kicked out. My heart and soul go out to you, as we are family on this aspect.

I am 68, but I can still remember being called "the mistake" back in the 1960's and it still stings. BUT I went to college at 24, yes, I heard through the grape vine that my "parents" said that I would never make it, guess what, sure did and so will you.

I know it is easy to say and harder than heavens to do, but slowly start thinking of oneself and turn a deaf ear to all the negative noise.

You are a VERY intelligent person with so much to not only give yourself but humanity.

Just because your dad made less than stellar decisions in his life, yours will be so much different.

WE have so much in common, yes decades are between us, but all the drama and negative yapping at you and also me, way back when, is just that yapping.

I told myself at 24, that I was going to do really good, and I had to work my head off, but yep and you will also.

I wish I could be there and help you as far as having to put up with so much negative noise, so heart breaking, BUT YOU can overcome all the noise around you and break free and lead a wonderful life, I 100% firmly believe it and a lot of what I have said is pure life experience from being 68 years of age.

Lots of extremely well wishes and I am not on 100% of the time, but please feel free to send me a message and we can talk if you so desire.

Walter

Thank you Walter, I'm glad you made it and proved people wrong. I feel as though a lot of the things I do is purely out of spite of the things people say I can't and won't do. One day I hope to live a life not out of spite being my leading decision maker but instead out of what I truly desire in life. My dream was to be an artist, but my brain says medicine. So I hope to be a plastic surgeon one day so I can be both. An artist with a scalpel helping others.

 

[DeathWish3301]

My middle school/high school friends all of a sudden abandoned me for religion within a year. We grew distant but I used to be able to depend on them no matter what and how long we hadn't spoken they were my "rock" but now the second I try to talk to them they act like satan himself sent them a DM. It's a weird feeling having people interested in you but then abandon you after a little while when I'm the complete opposite. I think friends would be cool but I just get the feeling they'd all sorta get tired of me and I'd probably distance myself from them because I feel like a burden. Also I'm kinda fucking lame. I don't really play games or watch TV I sorta just "exist" in my free time.

Fuck, dude. I can only say as I did before, I relate to you on a lot of shit. I never had a lot of hobbies or interests. Reason being is my Dad is a narcissist, and fun wasn't allowed. I was strictly prohibited from developing personal interests, hobbies, etc. So even when he wasn't in my life anymore, that stuck with me. There were things I knew I'd enjoy but didn't pursue them.

I developed a few hobbies of my own, eventually; the primary one being online gaming, something I've always been into. I lost all of them very slowly over the course of time due to severe depression. I'm the same way, and have been for a while. "Boring" and just existing.

You'll need to be into something in order to relate to people, have things to talk about, things to do together, etc.

If you're not trying to CTB or are unsure, sounds like you need to address your mental health first before anything else.

 

[burner4242]

Fuck, dude. I can only say as I did before, I relate to you on a lot of shit. I never had a lot of hobbies or interests. Reason being is my Dad is a narcissist, and fun wasn't allowed. I was strictly prohibited from developing personal interests, hobbies, etc. So even when he wasn't in my life anymore, that stuck with me. There were things I knew I'd enjoy but didn't pursue them.

I developed a few hobbies of my own, eventually; the primary one being online gaming, something I've always been into. I lost all of them very slowly over the course of time due to severe depression. I'm the same way, and have been for a while. "Boring" and just existing.

You'll need to be into something in order to relate to people, have things to talk about, things to do together, etc.

If you're not trying to CTB or are unsure, sounds like you need to address your mental health first before anything else.

Not sure as I've already attempted twice in the past. I can no longer afford therapy for my medications. I was drawing a state medical card now I'm out of pocket. I made friends with someone for about a month and tried to develop a taste for things they liked a lot and I even watched a show they liked but they were also kinda mentally unstable so they ghosted me and we no longer speak. So it's not like I'm not actively trying to be interesting or whatever. My lack of hobbies and interest probably stems from not having cable TV or internet access at home and my cell phone when I could afford the bill was always searched and went through so I was afraid to make friends and have personal conversations read. Couldn't even have a journal without it being searched and the things I wrote about thrown in my face. I was never allowed to develop a sense of self identity. I feel like I'm playing catch up

 

[DeathWish3301]

Not sure as I've already attempted twice in the past. I can no longer afford therapy for my medications. I was drawing a state medical card now I'm out of pocket. I made friends with someone for about a month and tried to develop a taste for things they liked a lot and I even watched a show they liked but they were also kinda mentally unstable so they ghosted me and we no longer speak. So it's not like I'm not actively trying to be interesting or whatever. My lack of hobbies and interest probably stems from not having cable TV or internet access at home and my cell phone when I could afford the bill was always searched and went through so I was afraid to make friends and have personal conversations read. Couldn't even have a journal without it being searched and the things I wrote about thrown in my face. I was never allowed to develop a sense of self identity. I feel like I'm playing catch up

If you're a student with limited to no income, there's no reason you shouldn't be able to get state Medicaid. If you are trying to be medicated, I'd call them and explore your options.

You can't base what you like off what someone else is into. You need to find things you enjoy yourself.

Being a college student, I'm sure there's groups for various activities and clubs. You could look into ones that tend to draw other introverts (anime, D&D, chess, etc.)

Like I said, I also suffer from the same lack of identity. Playing catch up us what I meant by being years behind.

If you're not making attempts to be interesting though, any advice I give isn't really going to be helpful. All I can say is I get where you're at.

 

[burner4242]

If you're a student with limited to no income, there's no reason you shouldn't be able to get state Medicaid. If you are trying to be medicated, I'd call them and explore your options.

You can't base what you like off what someone else is into. You need to find things you enjoy yourself.

Being a college student, I'm sure there's groups for various activities and clubs. You could look into ones that tend to draw other introverts (anime, D&D, chess, etc.)

Like I said, I also suffer from the same lack of identity. Playing catch up us what I meant by being years behind.

If you're not making attempts to be interesting though, any advice I give isn't really going to be helpful. All I can say is I get where you're at.

I'm definitely gonna try harder next semester, my first year was a mind fuck due to me jumping into it a week before classes started on a whim just to do it I guess. really had to find myself as a student again. There's a DND club but I've never played so I'm afraid I'd be refused membership. I also work outside of classes as I was in the PreMed club but haven't been able to participate due to the hours not working with my job.

 

[DeathWish3301]

I'm definitely gonna try harder next semester, my first year was a mind fuck due to me jumping into it a week before classes started on a whim just to do it I guess. really had to find myself as a student again. There's a DND club but I've never played so I'm afraid I'd be refused membership. I also work outside of classes as I was in the PreMed club but haven't been able to participate due to the hours not working with my job.

I dated a girl who was in a DND thing. She was outgoing and extroverted but I met her friends from it and they seem like nerdy introverts (not talking shit, just saying) and were pretty nice. I'd just be honest that you're new and trying to get into it. I know some groups will drink/smoke while they play so that might help you with your introversion.

Another option is Bumble. You can make an account that's specifically seeking friends instead of dates/partners. I knew other introverted people who used that to find connections. Allows you to chit chat and do the intro online before actually meeting up.

 

[burner4242]

I dated a girl who was in a DND thing. She was outgoing and extroverted but I met her friends from it and they seem like nerdy introverts (not talking shit, just saying) and were pretty nice. I'd just be honest that you're new and trying to get into it. I know some groups will drink/smoke while they play so that might help you with your introversion.

Another option is Bumble. You can make an account that's specifically seeking friends instead of dates/partners. I knew other introverted people who used that to find connections. Allows you to chit chat and do the intro online before actually meeting up.

May try it (bumble) out thank you. Used to use it for dating and I thought it was boring maybe just friends will be better.