controversial opinion. The reason I want N as the preferred or only method to end my life is because it's practically unavailable for the most part

[martinso67]

I could not sleep because of my health issues (not that bad, bad still cause me problems) and my life or life in general) that I hate.
SO I did have time to think clearly, honestly and profoundly.
I came to the conclusion that why I am still keen on N as the method to end my own life. Though there are other methods. The reason is because N is not really available.
So I feel somewhat better about myself why I did not take the step.
I struggle with procrastination in general because I do nut have trust in myself.

Ok, N is not available. And I tried it several times to get it. Lost also money, because it was taken away. Ok. Why I am still keen on trying it??.
Why do I risk also legal issues. In my country you can get to jail up to 7 years. One of my biggest fears is to get to jail. That's why I respect laws. I will still respect and honour the law. Regardless if it makes sense (killing YOURSELF is not a crime in my country) or it infringes upon my personal freedom.
The reason is actually I am afraid and too immature to overcome my anxiety and take ownership about my life. No one will care about me and no one will take my rights seriously.
It's a duty upon myself. I am still actually a child. Though I am now nearly 30.

It's time to change this. It's a new year. It's time for me to grow up and be an adult.
I remember watching Efil Blaise videos. He did come from a poor country and did not have the opportunities that I have. He still did grow up and overcome his challenges.
He got his method to end his life and did it when he was ready.

So why can't I do it? I mean I want it.
I have other more realistic methods. Other than N.

 

[rozeske]

Our survival instinct has several ways of showing it self. This could be one of them.

 

[martinso67]

Our survival instinct has several ways of showing it self. This could be one of them.

I don't think my survival instinct is really showing or affecting me. I am only afraid of pain.
Like for example I don't want to have operations that would extend my health. Like I avoid doctors like a plaque. I remember I could have avoided some of my health issues If I would go to the doctor if I have symptoms.
(Rant)
I hate it that I cannot be free. Man I cannot do majority of stuff I want or be myself. I always have to need society and other humans as a human being. But they do not care about me. Also
ignore my needs. But as a human I need them.
Like in wars for example. The civilians depend on peace. War effects them. I feel like them the civilians who are suffering from war, by forces stronger than them.

For f*** sake when does this life end???? Like it's too long. I can't cope anymore being a human. The life expectancy of a human is for me too long. How can I make it shorter in a reasonable way. Like you cannot do some stuff that will get you cancer in 80% of the times. It does not work. Like you can be a chain smoker and an alcoholic but still survive till you are 80 years old.
But the only thing you will get is for sure: are health issues and more suffering.

I tried hanging, but it failed. I am too tall (I am about 6 feet 4) and I do not have a good hanging point for my height. But still gave me best and tried it nearly 4 times. But what I got is loss of consciousness for a short time and I hurt my throat. I could not eat for a couple of days. Also sometimes my throat hurts a little.

Man, my only wish is to leave this world. At least my body. Please. How can society and everyone be so cruel and ignore my wish. I mean I only want to order a medication or device that is available to end my life. They sell it. The manufacturer and the seller only want their money. I will give them that and with a rip off price. I am fine with that.

And don't come up with the bs reason that society and the government cares about me.
It's like saying the Taliban cares about feminism or gay rights.

 

[rozeske]

I don't think my survival instinct is really showing or affecting me. I am only afraid of pain.
Like for example I don't want to have operations that would extend my health. Like I avoid doctors like a plaque. I remember I could have avoided some of my health issues If I would go to the doctor if I have symptoms.
(Rant)
I hate it that I cannot be free. Man I cannot do majority of stuff I want or be myself. I always have to need society and other humans as a human being. But they do not care about me. Also
ignore my needs. But as a human I need them.
Like in wars for example. The civilians depend on peace. War effects them. I feel like them the civilians who are suffering from war, by forces stronger than them.

For f*** sake when does this life end???? Like it's too long. I can't cope anymore being a human. The life expectancy of a human is for me too long. How can I make it shorter in a reasonable way. Like you cannot do some stuff that will get you cancer in 80% of the times. It does not work. Like you can be a chain smoker and an alcoholic but still survive till you are 80 years old.
But the only thing you will get is for sure: are health issues and more suffering.

I tried hanging, but it failed. I am too tall (I am about 6 feet 4) and I do not have a good hanging point for my height. But still gave me best and tried it nearly 4 times. But what I got is loss of consciousness for a short time and I hurt my throat. I could not eat for a couple of days. Also sometimes my throat hurts a little.

Man, my only wish is to leave this world. At least my body. Please. How can society and everyone be so cruel and ignore my wish. I mean I only want to order a medication or device that is available to end my life. They sell it. The manufacturer and the seller only want their money. I will give them that and with a rip off price. I am fine with that.

And don't come up with the bs reason that society and the government cares about me.
It's like saying the Taliban cares about feminism or gay rights.

I feel you. It's unfair how easy and painless methods are made inaccessible so people can suffer more. Can I ask how you managed to fall into unconsciousness and fail hanging 4 times?

 

[penguinl0v3s]

The way it's touted on this site and glorified certainly helps. It's not legs up better than other methods though. People describe fenty overdoses as "like falling asleep." Peaceful enough plenty.