Venting consumed with thoughts of self destruction (ramble)

[fleshgarden]

I used to be consumed by self harm and eating disordered thoughts.. it's all coming back to me again but it's infinitely more frustrating.. I feel like I'm being choked. I burned myself a week ago on my arms but it's frustrating to hide when you're VERY sensitive to heat. I prefer to burn myself because my cuts are very small. If I got any or stole any blades it would be very suspicious so I'm stuck with ones over a year old. they're very dull. I tried to cut my legs this morning and I got so frustrated I couldn't stop hitting myself. they're so small. I'm ashamed because I'm covered with scars but they're not visible. no one can see my scars.. it frustrates me but I don't want anyone to see them either. I just want horrible wounds on my body so badly...I keep seeing people with scars worse than mine in public and it makes me so upset. I wish I could hurt myself badly :( this is such a painful feeling .. thankfully I'm not really wanting to starve myself though.. I've been maintaining a low weight for a long time by now and I eat normally. I don't know how I ever managed to eat 100 calories a day

sorry if my threads are annoying.. I just don't have anywhere to go to for my thoughts
(edit for the sake of convenience) holy fuck I feel like tearing myself from the inside out.. I'm not even sure what triggered these feelings in the first place.. I want to make myself vomit and I want to scratch my skin off . unbearable

 

[Ash]

Size does not matter. Despite what some corners of the net want people to believe, SH is not a competition. It's only about you. It doesn't matter who can see what and who who does what and can stand more pain who has got bigger or wider scars or whatever. That's all bullshit. It's only about you and your emotional pain. You are the only OP of this thread.

(Blah blah blah. I'll shut up now. The sick bucket is over there, if you need it. )

Just wanted to say that I hear you and you're not alone in this creaky boat going up this shitty stream and there's nothing annoying about word vomit. It's why we're all here. And I'll definitely stop with the bodily fluids references now!

 

[fleshgarden]

Size does not matter. Despite what some corners of the net want people to believe, SH is not a competition. It's only about you. It doesn't matter who can see what and who who does what and can stand more pain who has got bigger or wider scars or whatever. That's all bullshit. It's only about you and your emotional pain. You are the only OP of this thread.

(Blah blah blah. I'll shut up now. The sick bucket is over there, if you need it. )

Just wanted to say that I hear you and you're not alone in this creaky boat going up this shitty stream and there's nothing annoying about word vomit. It's why we're all here. And I'll definitely stop with the bodily fluids references now!

yeah I agree .. it just sucks when you like the idea of your pain being manifested by the wounds on your body .. and when it's small it's like it's not accurate to the pain at all. but I do think all self harm is important and equally the sign of a person in pain..
thanks dude :p thats tru. you're silly. thanks for the response

 

[Ash]

No worries. And if you want any further validation that we're all just weird, I've tried to cut my thigh earlier to give my arms a break but apparently I'm too grossed out by it since putting on weight.