Venting constantly living in fear and anxiety

[vampire2002]

i feel like i'm absolutely suffocating in these feelings these past few months. it's unbearable and if i don't constantly distract myself, i can't stop thinking about it. i'm so afraid of so many things.

my ocd makes me afraid of anything being dirty, i barely leave my room which is my "bubble."
my ptsd and trauma from my childhood makes me afraid people want to hurt me in violent and sexual ways.
i'm too afraid to talk to most people because i worry that i'm annoying or boring or stupid, or that they just flat out don't understand, which honestly i can't deny any of those. i avoid talking to my family because they never listen to me and don't really seem to care, so the only interactions i have with them are negative and stressful.
i'm even afraid my pet cats hate me, although they're all very friendly and run over to me when i leave my room. i'm afraid they feel unloved by me because i don't pick them up or let them sleep in my room like i used to before my contamination ocd got too bad.

i'm afraid to be honest with my therapist because i don't want to get committed to somewhere and cause everyone, including myself, more problems. that and i'm such a disgusting person and letting anybody know how bad i really am is unbearable. i'm afraid to try to make friends because i can never maintain friendships, and even if i connect with people i will cut them off because i'm afraid they'll hate me. i'm scared my long distance boyfriend will think i'm hideous and revolting and leave me for someone better when we finally meet up for the first time in a few months.

i'm afraid of disagreeing with anybody, even only in my head, to the point where it makes me nauseous and tremble. i'm afraid i'm always being watched or spied on, like there's hidden cameras somewhere in my room or outside my window or some spyware on my devices. sometimes i'm scared i'll hurt people even though i really don't want to, i'm afraid i'll lose control.

i'm absolutely, completely, and utterly fucking terrified of the future and what i'm going to do, be it my living or working situations. i'm afraid of living on the streets. my therapist and bf both tell me i need to rest and take time to recover from my abuse and mental illness. but my family tells me i need to get working and that i don't do enough and that how i live is unacceptable, i need to be more independent. and the thing is i don't think either of them is wrong, but i can't have it both ways.

i'm afraid of experiencing another natural disaster, i'm afraid of being abandoned, i'm afraid of being unloved, i'm afraid of the judgements of people i can't even stand and i don't know why, i'm afraid i secretly have or am going to get some horrible disease, i'm afraid of bugs, i'm afraid of getting caught in a mass shooting, i'm afraid of my abusers or stalkers finding me. i'm afraid of eating. i would say i'm afraid of failure but i already am one, so i'm afraid of remaining a failure forever. i'm afraid of sleeping and having more nightmares about all my fears. i'm afraid that if people could read my mind and new exactly everything that i was thinking, they'd think i was horribly disgusting and hate me for not thinking the same way they do. i'm afraid of never being good enough. i could really go on forever listing things i'm scared of, you get the point.

i am afraid of dying, but mostly in a way that i have no control over. like some horrific and painful accident or being slowly tortured and murdered. i want to choose how i die and do it on my own terms.

this paranoia is driving me absolutely insane, i think i dissociate half the time lately. i'm trying so so hard, and i'm so exhausted by these feelings. to the point where even the fear of death and the unknown of what comes after is starting to feel so much more appealing than these fears that suffocate me day in and day out, making it actually feel hard to breathe. a death i have control over would be ideal, but hell, i'm even afraid to order the materials for my preferred methods because i'm scared of the consequences of getting caught.

i want it all to stop but i'm afraid to take action. i feel so utterly paralyzed by this fear and anxiety that i cannot do anything other than exist and let the time pass me by. i used to constantly feel apathetic, but now i'm always in fight or flight mode and i'm not sure which is worse.

 

[bipbapbop]

I feel like I am reading the inner thoughts of someone dear to me who has cut me out of their life. If I could, I would desperately beg them to get help now and to help them alleviate the fear and pain. Since I don't know you, I can only recommend that you familiarize yourself with what will get you in trouble with your therapist and just avoid answering those questions when they come. I always tell people not to lie to their therapist. Don't incriminate yourself. My therapist knows I'm suicidal but I've never said it out loud so he isn't able to get me sectioned. It's quite obvious, but I asked him once what would happen if I didn't answer the questions and he said that he wouldn't be able to do anything. You have to be 10 steps ahead if you choose to open up about these things.

But if you aren't looking for help from a therapist, I can tell you this. I have CPTSD which very basically means that I have experienced enough abuse in my life that the alarm centers in my brain are hyper sensitive and are always ringing. It sounds like you are experiencing something similar. Everything is a threat and I am always scared. If you want help, there are resources to help. CPTSD specifically is a very difficult and painful condition that requires treatments that are very specific.

If you are not looking for advice, I can only offer you my greatest sympathies. What you've written sounds absolutely terrifying and I wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy. I hope that you find relief, however that may look.

 

[MeowTheFlemishCat]

I'm seeking euthanasia for severe contamination OCD. Feel free to hmu.

 

[KillingPain267]

Your post is so relatable to me! Social anxiety, and I also just try to... exist. Yet, there are so many responsibilities thrown at us.

 

[selfcheckout]

My anxiety and irritability shot up suddenly a few years ago. Couldn't find an explanation or a good way to manage. Then recently I read up on the warning signs of suicide and realized that me being on edge all the time started when I became suicidal. It was a weird kind of relief to finally have an explanation.

 

[divinemistress36]

The anxiety fight or flight mode is even worse than the depression

 

[DeIetedUser4739]

I'm afraid of anything happening that will make my life worse than it currently is. I already can't enjoy anything like watching TV because of Anhedonia, so if I broke my leg or something I'd be stuck in a worse hell than I already am.

 

[Lifeaffirmingchoice]

i feel like i'm absolutely suffocating in these feelings these past few months. it's unbearable and if i don't constantly distract myself, i can't stop thinking about it. i'm so afraid of so many things.

my ocd makes me afraid of anything being dirty, i barely leave my room which is my "bubble."
my ptsd and trauma from my childhood makes me afraid people want to hurt me in violent and sexual ways.
i'm too afraid to talk to most people because i worry that i'm annoying or boring or stupid, or that they just flat out don't understand, which honestly i can't deny any of those. i avoid talking to my family because they never listen to me and don't really seem to care, so the only interactions i have with them are negative and stressful.
i'm even afraid my pet cats hate me, although they're all very friendly and run over to me when i leave my room. i'm afraid they feel unloved by me because i don't pick them up or let them sleep in my room like i used to before my contamination ocd got too bad.

i'm afraid to be honest with my therapist because i don't want to get committed to somewhere and cause everyone, including myself, more problems. that and i'm such a disgusting person and letting anybody know how bad i really am is unbearable. i'm afraid to try to make friends because i can never maintain friendships, and even if i connect with people i will cut them off because i'm afraid they'll hate me. i'm scared my long distance boyfriend will think i'm hideous and revolting and leave me for someone better when we finally meet up for the first time in a few months.

i'm afraid of disagreeing with anybody, even only in my head, to the point where it makes me nauseous and tremble. i'm afraid i'm always being watched or spied on, like there's hidden cameras somewhere in my room or outside my window or some spyware on my devices. sometimes i'm scared i'll hurt people even though i really don't want to, i'm afraid i'll lose control.

i'm absolutely, completely, and utterly fucking terrified of the future and what i'm going to do, be it my living or working situations. i'm afraid of living on the streets. my therapist and bf both tell me i need to rest and take time to recover from my abuse and mental illness. but my family tells me i need to get working and that i don't do enough and that how i live is unacceptable, i need to be more independent. and the thing is i don't think either of them is wrong, but i can't have it both ways.

i'm afraid of experiencing another natural disaster, i'm afraid of being abandoned, i'm afraid of being unloved, i'm afraid of the judgements of people i can't even stand and i don't know why, i'm afraid i secretly have or am going to get some horrible disease, i'm afraid of bugs, i'm afraid of getting caught in a mass shooting, i'm afraid of my abusers or stalkers finding me. i'm afraid of eating. i would say i'm afraid of failure but i already am one, so i'm afraid of remaining a failure forever. i'm afraid of sleeping and having more nightmares about all my fears. i'm afraid that if people could read my mind and new exactly everything that i was thinking, they'd think i was horribly disgusting and hate me for not thinking the same way they do. i'm afraid of never being good enough. i could really go on forever listing things i'm scared of, you get the point.

i am afraid of dying, but mostly in a way that i have no control over. like some horrific and painful accident or being slowly tortured and murdered. i want to choose how i die and do it on my own terms.

this paranoia is driving me absolutely insane, i think i dissociate half the time lately. i'm trying so so hard, and i'm so exhausted by these feelings. to the point where even the fear of death and the unknown of what comes after is starting to feel so much more appealing than these fears that suffocate me day in and day out, making it actually feel hard to breathe. a death i have control over would be ideal, but hell, i'm even afraid to order the materials for my preferred methods because i'm scared of the consequences of getting caught.

i want it all to stop but i'm afraid to take action. i feel so utterly paralyzed by this fear and anxiety that i cannot do anything other than exist and let the time pass me by. i used to constantly feel apathetic, but now i'm always in fight or flight mode and i'm not sure which is worse.

Hope you find peace soon