A Tortured Entity
no one truly cares, ever
- Jan 24, 2023
- 1
Hi, I'm recently turned 18 a month ago, from Europe. I'm just venting because I can't shake off any of these persistent thoughts of worthlessness.
Some backstory; I've been depressed since I was 14/15 and its only got worse with time. Started antidepressants and therapy at 16 and nothing has changed nor helped. I've stopped taking antidepressants by my own decision because I didn't notice a change and I hated the idea of having some sort of pill alter the way your brain works. Self harm here and there but nothing besides light scarring on arm that barely breaks epidermis, which constantly makes me feel shit and an insult to those that have done significant harm to themselves. Used to have passive suicidal ideations but they have worsened a lot to constantly provoking me daily and thinking about the gorey outcome of it all.
I don't really know where to start but I guess with stuff making me depressed and suicidal. I hate how I look and it has always destroyed any confidence I have in myself. I am not as unfortunate as others in the genetic lottery but I don't feel comfortable at all in my body. Any time I see a reflection of myself it always fuels me with anger because of how much I hate myself and that I'll never find a partner in life. And before anyone says that someone will like you for personality, that doesn't mean anything I look ugly. Also my well below average sheathed sword only makes me feel even worse about ever finding a girlfriend, so that helps a lot. I don't think I'll ever experience love so that's something I need to accept sooner or later.
I failed pretty much all my end of year school exams a month ago, so I have no hope of going to college without wasting a year of my life preparing again for the same stressful exams that is also a large part to blame in my deteriorating mental health. I had some hope in the weeks before exams by studying here and there but it was all just delusion because it is impossible to study a year and a half worth of material in less than a month. I missed probably a year and a half of school since starting therapy and antidepressants just because I was feeling so horribly low everyday. Exams roll around and first one goes horrible and I run out of time because of my non-existent time management and all hope is lost. I end up not sitting half of the exams and any exams I did sit I only ended up feeling even worse about because of how stupid I was for thinking I ever had a chance of getting into college. College is guaranteed out of the picture for me now and I am 100% certain I would not of even done well enough to meet the criteria of any courses I applied for (I applied for music production courses if anyone wanted to know). There is no possible surprise of getting accepted into a college because I know how poorly I did and I didn't even sit half of my exams out of pure anxiety and a horrible depressive episode. 6 years of school to just fall flat on my face and look like a dummy.
I have a very big interest in music and have wanted to make music since I was 14 and I haven't even made anything finished or completed since. Any time I did try to compose something, I would feel completely horrible about it and doubt my abilities to do anything just mere minutes afterwards. I would learn and learn but any time I tried to put my knowledge to use, it would just turn on me and make me feel worse. I have an issue of trying to perfect everything so I guess that is to blame, but I don't understand why I can't make something I don't hate. Regardless if its just the beginning of an musical idea I'm putting down, I just get this overwhelming feeling that I can't do anything good and that I'm horrible at music and I'll never get good at it and it traumatised me enough that I don't ever go near making music ever unless I get a random spark of motivation and decide to mess around spontaeneously with music, which always ends the same. How can something I love so much just not let me do it anymore? It's same with other things in life, like playing the piano, I get so angry at myself for making mistakes even though I only started piano half a year ago, I can't do anything about this perfectionist mindset and it's ruining everything. I love music so much and I always listen to it and love exploring new genres and going back and relistening to tracks that give me goosebumps from emotions intertwined with the music, but I can't start anything. There's also a problem with jealousy that lies there because when I do sometimes listen to music or see others drawings or art, I become envious of artists and their ability to make something so great because I can't do anything, but it doesn't make me go and hate the artist, it's just mental gymnastics I guess.
I don't do anything with my life either. I just sit in my room all day, barely eating and using my computer or sleeping as a form of escapism. I don't live in a nice area so there's nowhere quiet to be in nature which sucks, just constant vehicle noise and the sight of grey and bricks everywhere, quite awfully depressing the lack of green anywhere. I'm not mentally capable of a job either and I don't want to work for 45 years just for a pension. That's so fucking depressing to think about it just ruined my mood while writing this. I want to be able to do whatever and not be a slave for the rest of my life just to barely survive from paycheck to paycheck.By no time the whole world population will be depressed and given pills to survive. By no time the whole world population will be depressed and given pills to survive. I hate how the world has become.
I'd love to be able to appreciate the little things in life and take in nature but I can't where I live while also being in this depressive headspace, and being lazy/depressed to go anywhere doesn't help. I know for a fact I have an okay life, besides the mental health difficulties, that some people would call me ungrateful for not being happy and thankful for what I have, but in reality I can't see things the same way other people do while plagued with depression.
That's kinda it I guess, I don't remember if I'm missing anything, I just feel so utterly worthless everyday and I don't know what to live for anymore. I feel like my life is over.
Some backstory; I've been depressed since I was 14/15 and its only got worse with time. Started antidepressants and therapy at 16 and nothing has changed nor helped. I've stopped taking antidepressants by my own decision because I didn't notice a change and I hated the idea of having some sort of pill alter the way your brain works. Self harm here and there but nothing besides light scarring on arm that barely breaks epidermis, which constantly makes me feel shit and an insult to those that have done significant harm to themselves. Used to have passive suicidal ideations but they have worsened a lot to constantly provoking me daily and thinking about the gorey outcome of it all.
I don't really know where to start but I guess with stuff making me depressed and suicidal. I hate how I look and it has always destroyed any confidence I have in myself. I am not as unfortunate as others in the genetic lottery but I don't feel comfortable at all in my body. Any time I see a reflection of myself it always fuels me with anger because of how much I hate myself and that I'll never find a partner in life. And before anyone says that someone will like you for personality, that doesn't mean anything I look ugly. Also my well below average sheathed sword only makes me feel even worse about ever finding a girlfriend, so that helps a lot. I don't think I'll ever experience love so that's something I need to accept sooner or later.
I failed pretty much all my end of year school exams a month ago, so I have no hope of going to college without wasting a year of my life preparing again for the same stressful exams that is also a large part to blame in my deteriorating mental health. I had some hope in the weeks before exams by studying here and there but it was all just delusion because it is impossible to study a year and a half worth of material in less than a month. I missed probably a year and a half of school since starting therapy and antidepressants just because I was feeling so horribly low everyday. Exams roll around and first one goes horrible and I run out of time because of my non-existent time management and all hope is lost. I end up not sitting half of the exams and any exams I did sit I only ended up feeling even worse about because of how stupid I was for thinking I ever had a chance of getting into college. College is guaranteed out of the picture for me now and I am 100% certain I would not of even done well enough to meet the criteria of any courses I applied for (I applied for music production courses if anyone wanted to know). There is no possible surprise of getting accepted into a college because I know how poorly I did and I didn't even sit half of my exams out of pure anxiety and a horrible depressive episode. 6 years of school to just fall flat on my face and look like a dummy.
I have a very big interest in music and have wanted to make music since I was 14 and I haven't even made anything finished or completed since. Any time I did try to compose something, I would feel completely horrible about it and doubt my abilities to do anything just mere minutes afterwards. I would learn and learn but any time I tried to put my knowledge to use, it would just turn on me and make me feel worse. I have an issue of trying to perfect everything so I guess that is to blame, but I don't understand why I can't make something I don't hate. Regardless if its just the beginning of an musical idea I'm putting down, I just get this overwhelming feeling that I can't do anything good and that I'm horrible at music and I'll never get good at it and it traumatised me enough that I don't ever go near making music ever unless I get a random spark of motivation and decide to mess around spontaeneously with music, which always ends the same. How can something I love so much just not let me do it anymore? It's same with other things in life, like playing the piano, I get so angry at myself for making mistakes even though I only started piano half a year ago, I can't do anything about this perfectionist mindset and it's ruining everything. I love music so much and I always listen to it and love exploring new genres and going back and relistening to tracks that give me goosebumps from emotions intertwined with the music, but I can't start anything. There's also a problem with jealousy that lies there because when I do sometimes listen to music or see others drawings or art, I become envious of artists and their ability to make something so great because I can't do anything, but it doesn't make me go and hate the artist, it's just mental gymnastics I guess.
I don't do anything with my life either. I just sit in my room all day, barely eating and using my computer or sleeping as a form of escapism. I don't live in a nice area so there's nowhere quiet to be in nature which sucks, just constant vehicle noise and the sight of grey and bricks everywhere, quite awfully depressing the lack of green anywhere. I'm not mentally capable of a job either and I don't want to work for 45 years just for a pension. That's so fucking depressing to think about it just ruined my mood while writing this. I want to be able to do whatever and not be a slave for the rest of my life just to barely survive from paycheck to paycheck.By no time the whole world population will be depressed and given pills to survive. By no time the whole world population will be depressed and given pills to survive. I hate how the world has become.
I'd love to be able to appreciate the little things in life and take in nature but I can't where I live while also being in this depressive headspace, and being lazy/depressed to go anywhere doesn't help. I know for a fact I have an okay life, besides the mental health difficulties, that some people would call me ungrateful for not being happy and thankful for what I have, but in reality I can't see things the same way other people do while plagued with depression.
That's kinda it I guess, I don't remember if I'm missing anything, I just feel so utterly worthless everyday and I don't know what to live for anymore. I feel like my life is over.
