Venting Constant anger from memories of injustice/abuse/trauma you've suffered

[Life Is My Coffin]

I have so many memories of people's bullshit I've had to deal with. Throughout my life i've suffered so much injustice, people losing it on me about absolutely retarded matters to the point where it's just humor whenever it happens now.

Problem is I get so angry reminiscening on the past and the horse shit i've had to experience. The abuse and trauma i've seen gets to me and I get so mad just sitting still and having to think about it. I don't even want to explain details but ive noticed that I never really get over anything, and I never forget either. Is there any way to cope with this though? The only way I really deal with it is when i'm under some euphoric substance or in the rare "good mood". But I just wish i could forget it all. Anger is pain to me, and I don't want to be angry. But it's the only way my mind reacts to the memories of what I've dealt with and how I wish I could have responded to it better when I was in those situations.

 

[WAITING TO DIE]

My Mother was a narcissist. A very cruel woman who made every moment of my life a living hell.
She is dead now, yet I still have intrusive memories and nightmares of what the evil bitch did to me.
I used to fantasise a lot about killing her, and often have arguments in my head with her even though she's dead.
It's so fucked up, and I know what you are going through.
It's extremely difficult to try and forget this kind of trauma.

 

[Life Is My Coffin]

My Mother was a narcissist. A very cruel woman who made every moment of my life a living hell.
She is dead now, yet I still have intrusive memories and nightmares of what the evil bitch did to me.
I used to fantasise a lot about killing her, and often have arguments in my head with her even though she's dead.
It's so fucked up, and I know what you are going through.
It's extremely difficult to try and forget this kind of trauma.

it's worse off when i'm lonely. i just got done hanging out and drinking with my neighbors so i feel better than when I did when i wrote this post a few hours ago. When you're by yourself for days on end and living in your head it's so much worse

 

[Stormy Raine]

I'm sorry you're feeling like this and what you've had to go through I completely understand and I experience the same thing, it gets lonely for me too. I purchased an Occulus VR headset and I'll tell you it's been the best escape from my memories and trauma! I also put headphones on and play my favorite music loud and the memories fade away. Another thing I've done is volunteer to help others in the past and that's been helpful. Hope that helps.

 

[ClownWorld2023]

I can relate.

This is why I've become a misanthrope.

 

[Life Is My Coffin]

I purchased an Occulus VR headset and I'll tell you it's been the best escape from my memories and trauma! I also put headphones on and play my favorite music loud and the memories fade away. Another thing I've done is volunteer to help others in the past and that's been helpful. Hope that helps.

good solution to get out of the painful thoughts if you don't have anyone to hang out with or a friend to call. It helps a lot if you can get your brain out of the past even if it's just for a moment.

 

[WAITING TO DIE]

I can relate.

This is why I've become a misanthrope.

Same here: I am done with people and their shitfuckery.

 

[Aim]

I can so relate to you! I feel exacly the same. I wish my mom was dead. Horribel person! pure evil!

 

[letmejoindeath]

I was falsely arrested and held as a prisoner against my will by law enforcement at 18. As far as I'm concerned law enforcement and cops are just like human traffickers and will make you feel just as shitty.

When a single one of them gets off their fucking ass I will move on. Still waiting for justice. I called 911 at 18 so I already reached out for your help. It's time you do something besides being an inbred circle jerker for soul less cops.

 

[nux_walpurgis]

My parents were horrible to me and ruined any possibiliy of me becoming a normal, functioning person. I tried to forgive them, because I wanted to be in good terms with them, but the last few months the memories have been coming back to haunt me and the anger inside me rises. I cannot forgive them, not really. They don't deserve it. I don't owe them anything. They owe me my life.

I can't stand being in the same room with them anymore. When I am alone the memoried flood my brain and fill my whole being with the poison of wrath.

 

[Life Is My Coffin]

I was falsely arrested and held as a prisoner against my will by law enforcement at 18. As far as I'm concerned law enforcement and cops are just like human traffickers and will make you feel just as shitty.

When a single one of them gets off their fucking ass I will move on. Still waiting for justice. I called 911 at 18 so I already reached out for your help. It's time you do something besides being an inbred circle jerker for soul less cops.

I essentially was sexually harassed by the police at 17 years old when my mom and myself were arrested after i called the police to help against my mom doing her routine beating-the-shit out of me/harassing me/not leaving me alone that she did all throughout my childhood

When I asked to use the restroom while at the police station, they told my mom and people around her the next day that I was jacking off in the police station bathroom ....
Because it makes total fucking sense to want to jerk off in a public area after crying for countless hours in a police station. Absolute fucking retardation of that logic aside, how in the fuck would you even know someone would be doing that? Are you creeping on a 17 year old while they use the restroom for 2 minutes? I wish I would have sued the fuck out of those creepy fucking sacks of shit

 

[Cage]

It feels me with anger that billions of people are forced to live shitty lives with some people (including me) are granted the ability to live good lives. It's not fair and frankly most people with good lives don't deserve them at all. Why should I be out here succeeding and doing well when most other people are never even given that option to begin with?

You all 100% have the right to be angry and hateful. Anger, hate and rage are the only justified emotions towards the system we live under. If someone came up and murdered me and stole all my things so they could have a chance at a better life that would be totally okay to me.

I essentially was sexually harassed by the police at 17 years old when my mom and myself were arrested after i called the police to help against my mom doing her routine beating-the-shit out of me/harassing me/not leaving me alone that she did all throughout my childhood

When I asked to use the restroom while at the police station, they told my mom and people around her the next day that I was jacking off in the police station bathroom ....
Because it makes total fucking sense to want to jerk off in a public area after crying for countless hours in a police station. Absolute fucking retardation of that logic aside, how in the fuck would you even know someone would be doing that? Are you creeping on a 17 year old while they use the restroom for 2 minutes? I wish I would have sued the fuck out of those creepy fucking sacks of shit

ACAB

 

[Stormy Raine]

I can so relate to you! I feel exacly the same. I wish my mom was dead. Horribel person! pure evil!

I hate to admit it but I wish my adopted mother was dead too, I'd love to see her suffer an agonizing death, she deserves it!

 

[WAITING TO DIE]

I hate to admit it but I wish my adopted mother was dead too, I'd love to see her suffer an agonizing death, she deserves it!

Yes, evil mothers need to die.
My mother was a narcissistic, abusive control freak.

I can so relate to you! I feel exacly the same. I wish my mom was dead. Horribel person! pure evil!

My nasty bitch mother was a narcissistic control freak.
Thankfully she is dead now.

 

[Aim]

My parents were horrible to me and ruined any possibiliy of me becoming a normal, functioning person. I tried to forgive them, because I wanted to be in good terms with them, but the last few months the memories have been coming back to haunt me and the anger inside me rises. I cannot forgive them, not really. They don't deserve it. I don't owe them anything. They owe me my life.

I can't stand being in the same room with them anymore. When I am alone the memoried flood my brain and fill my whole being with the poison of wr

This is really sad to read. And i can also relate. Its not an easy answer to this.. But have you ever considering cutting your parents out of your life? or keep them in a distant that works for you? so you dont get owerwhelmed by them. <3

Yes, evil mothers need to die.
My mother was a narcissistic, abusive control freak.

My nasty bitch mother was a narcissistic control freak.
Thankfully she is dead now.

i agree to :D People that devour others soul and cant bring anything good into this world. Should go! No one will miss them.

 

[LetMeBeSad]

My grandfather was a serial child rapist. I was repeatedly victimized by him from the time I could remember until I was 13. My father knew who his father was and sent me over there alone anyways. My mother tried to stand up but, my father was a manipulative and controlling drunk. When I was 8 I woke up to him grabbing a handful of my hair and straddling me on the mattress. He had a knife to my throat and told me that if I told anyone outside the house about what happens at home, he would cut me into little fucking pieces and no one would ever see me again.

I eventually landed in a group home at 16. I thought getting away from my father would be great. My first week there, one of the other kids kept threatening to rape me. That's where I figured out that I could be violent though. I went on to hurt a bunch of people over the next few years. I wound up having a blood clot incident when I was 22 and I have to be on blood thinners for the rest of my life. Everything that provided any kind of relief and identity got taken away from me. I couldn't play the physical sports I liked to. I couldn't do the drugs I liked to. And I became dependent upon my father again. My life has been nothing but fear, anger and violence. I don't know what happiness and joy feel like. I have been content at times, but I couldn't accurately tell you what joy and happiness feels like.

I got so bad at one point, around 13, I was standing over my father with one of his fish filet knives in the middle of the night while he slept. I wanted to kill him so badly but, I was terrified that I wouldn't be strong enough to get the knife where it needed to go and he would wake up and finally be done with me and the rest of the family. I could have saved my family from so much bullshit. I am the oldest and had to listen to my little brother and sister get the shit kicked out them on the regular. I can remember really young years I was terrified for myself because, if I didn't get it first, I knew I was next. But over the years my pain stopped mattering and the cries of my younger siblings became worse than any threat, unkind words, fist or belt ever could have been. I still can't get the sound of their tiny little pleas answered by screaming, belittling and violence, out of my fucking head. I could have stopped that. And I disappeared back into my bedroom without even trying. I am a fucking coward and I don't deserve the life and family that I have.

Angry? Yeah. Just a little.

 

[brokeandbroken]

I have so many memories of people's bullshit I've had to deal with. Throughout my life i've suffered so much injustice, people losing it on me about absolutely retarded matters to the point where it's just humor whenever it happens now.

Problem is I get so angry reminiscening on the past and the horse shit i've had to experience. The abuse and trauma i've seen gets to me and I get so mad just sitting still and having to think about it. I don't even want to explain details but ive noticed that I never really get over anything, and I never forget either. Is there any way to cope with this though? The only way I really deal with it is when i'm under some euphoric substance or in the rare "good mood". But I just wish i could forget it all. Anger is pain to me, and I don't want to be angry. But it's the only way my mind reacts to the memories of what I've dealt with and how I wish I could have responded to it better when I was in those situations.

This has been my reality for a long time. I've done my absolute best to continuously shove it down, ignore it, etc... Unfortunately, it does bubble up to the surface. Not much I can do then. Sometimes it overwhelms me.... However, my depression and hopeless more so has been stronger then my anger lately. My strength has faded. So while the anger is there it is overrode by the depression. So I'm just really tired a lot.

I don't have any advice. For me I've tried to get answers to questions to no avail. End of the day people know and just don't care.

 

[Cage]

My grandfather was a serial child rapist. I was repeatedly victimized by him from the time I could remember until I was 13. My father knew who his father was and sent me over there alone anyways. My mother tried to stand up but, my father was a manipulative and controlling drunk. When I was 8 I woke up to him grabbing a handful of my hair and straddling me on the mattress. He had a knife to my throat and told me that if I told anyone outside the house about what happens at home, he would cut me into little fucking pieces and no one would ever see me again.

I eventually landed in a group home at 16. I thought getting away from my father would be great. My first week there, one of the other kids kept threatening to rape me. That's where I figured out that I could be violent though. I went on to hurt a bunch of people over the next few years. I wound up having a blood clot incident when I was 22 and I have to be on blood thinners for the rest of my life. Everything that provided any kind of relief and identity got taken away from me. I couldn't play the physical sports I liked to. I couldn't do the drugs I liked to. And I became dependent upon my father again. My life has been nothing but fear, anger and violence. I don't know what happiness and joy feel like. I have been content at times, but I couldn't accurately tell you what joy and happiness feels like.

I got so bad at one point, around 13, I was standing over my father with one of his fish filet knives in the middle of the night while he slept. I wanted to kill him so badly but, I was terrified that I wouldn't be strong enough to get the knife where it needed to go and he would wake up and finally be done with me and the rest of the family. I could have saved my family from so much bullshit. I am the oldest and had to listen to my little brother and sister get the shit kicked out them on the regular. I can remember really young years I was terrified for myself because, if I didn't get it first, I knew I was next. But over the years my pain stopped mattering and the cries of my younger siblings became worse than any threat, unkind words, fist or belt ever could have been. I still can't get the sound of their tiny little pleas answered by screaming, belittling and violence, out of my fucking head. I could have stopped that. And I disappeared back into my bedroom without even trying. I am a fucking coward and I don't deserve the life and family that I have.

Angry? Yeah. Just a little.

You're not a coward. You were just doing what you could to survive, like any other child would do. It's not selfish or cowardly at all to want to protect yourself from an evil violent parent; it's just basic common sense and survival instinct. I'm sure your siblings felt the same way; you were all just trying to survive and weren't given the chance to do anything else.

I know me saying this doesn't change anything but I'm terribly sorry your life has been filled with so much pain and misery. Just know that you're certainly not alone and millions upon millions of people have grown up in horrible family situations just like your own. Millions, perhaps even billions of people who've been forced to deal with abusive violent parents, shitty group homes, painful disabilities and wasted childhoods all their lives; it's just one of those things that the mainstream media because it's uncomfortable for the trashy privileged fuckwads who run the world, no matter how pervasive it may be. This whole idea of a childhood that's meant to be filled with love, friends, vacations, treats, etc., is something that really only exists for a minority of people when you actually think about it. 618,000 children in the US alone were found to be living in abusive homes in 2020, and that's probably just a small fraction of the real numbers given how notoriously negligent the police are in dealing with these things. Not to mention all the other billions of people worldwide living in extreme poverty, working in terrible sweatshops, etc.

But at the end of the day you deserve love, compassion and warmth. You deserve all the precious happiness and joy that the world has to offer. And it's not your responsibility to fix your abusive broken home. Just know that everyone here at Sanctioned Suicide is fully supportive of you and whatever direction you choose to take with your life, including taking it yourself. Sometimes CTB is the only true way to relieve the pain and we're all here to wish you well on that journey towards eternal peace and contentment. It's your decision to make and we'll be here to have your back no matter what happens. You have all the love and support of the 41,000 people here. That's 41,000 people that support you unconditionally. If you ever need something, we're here to support you, and we will always be here for that. No matter what happens, you are loved here. And we will do our best to help you find some sort of happiness, whether that's through CTB or anything else.

We love you man, and we always will <3

 

[Life Is My Coffin]

I don't have any advice. For me I've tried to get answers to questions to no avail. End of the day people know and just don't care.

Meme says it best, this actually works

 

[itsraining]

I suffer from PTSD so I think about my traumas every day, I get mad but usually at myself

 

[NeedAnEscape]

There was a time in my life when I was incredibly angry with the world. I eventually broke from that anger and it simmered down to bitterness. Nothing was going to change, and I couldn't control how other people treated me. I still carry that resentment with me, but it's buried under my 'acceptance' of the situation. Most of the anger I feel now is directed toward myself.

 

[brokeandbroken]

View attachment 121417

Meme says it best, this actually works

I'm glad that works for you.

 

[WAITING TO DIE]

My grandfather was a serial child rapist. I was repeatedly victimized by him from the time I could remember until I was 13. My father knew who his father was and sent me over there alone anyways. My mother tried to stand up but, my father was a manipulative and controlling drunk. When I was 8 I woke up to him grabbing a handful of my hair and straddling me on the mattress. He had a knife to my throat and told me that if I told anyone outside the house about what happens at home, he would cut me into little fucking pieces and no one would ever see me again.

I eventually landed in a group home at 16. I thought getting away from my father would be great. My first week there, one of the other kids kept threatening to rape me. That's where I figured out that I could be violent though. I went on to hurt a bunch of people over the next few years. I wound up having a blood clot incident when I was 22 and I have to be on blood thinners for the rest of my life. Everything that provided any kind of relief and identity got taken away from me. I couldn't play the physical sports I liked to. I couldn't do the drugs I liked to. And I became dependent upon my father again. My life has been nothing but fear, anger and violence. I don't know what happiness and joy feel like. I have been content at times, but I couldn't accurately tell you what joy and happiness feels like.

I got so bad at one point, around 13, I was standing over my father with one of his fish filet knives in the middle of the night while he slept. I wanted to kill him so badly but, I was terrified that I wouldn't be strong enough to get the knife where it needed to go and he would wake up and finally be done with me and the rest of the family. I could have saved my family from so much bullshit. I am the oldest and had to listen to my little brother and sister get the shit kicked out them on the regular. I can remember really young years I was terrified for myself because, if I didn't get it first, I knew I was next. But over the years my pain stopped mattering and the cries of my younger siblings became worse than any threat, unkind words, fist or belt ever could have been. I still can't get the sound of their tiny little pleas answered by screaming, belittling and violence, out of my fucking head. I could have stopped that. And I disappeared back into my bedroom without even trying. I am a fucking coward and I don't deserve the life and family that I have.

Angry? Yeah. Just a little.

I went through a very bad childhood, but nowhere near as bad as yours.
My mother was a malignant narcissist, and my stepfather was a paedophile.
I won't go into details, yet the abuse ruined my life, and I still have intrusive thoughts on a daily basis about what happened.
The thoughts never go away, and I still imagine killing them for the things they have done, even though they are dead now.
I can't form, or keep relationships, and I despise my existence.
So sorry you went through such a horrific time.

 

[LetMeBeSad]

I went through a very bad childhood, but nowhere near as bad as yours.
My mother was a malignant narcissist, and my stepfather was a paedophile.
I won't go into details, yet the abuse ruined my life, and I still have intrusive thoughts on a daily basis about what happened.
The thoughts never go away, and I still imagine killing them for the things they have done, even though they are dead now.
I can't form, or keep relationships, and I despise my existence.
So sorry you went through such a horrific time.

I'm sorry that you went through this stuff too. None of us deserved that bullshit. I have managed to stay married but, it's been pretty hairy at times. I don't form great relationships with any man. Don't trust them. I get along better with women bit, same kind of deal, I don't form great relationships either. I don't really have any close friends.

I like your user name. I didn't know what Nembutal was until I had to look it up when I read your name. Sounds peaceful.

 

[WAITING TO DIE]

I'm sorry that you went through this stuff too. None of us deserved that bullshit. I have managed to stay married but, it's been pretty hairy at times. I don't form great relationships with any man. Don't trust them. I get along better with women bit, same kind of deal, I don't form great relationships either. I don't really have any close friends.

I like your user name. I didn't know what Nembutal was until I had to look it up when I read your name. Sounds peaceful.

So sorry you went through a living nightmare too. Some people are pure evil.
I completely understand your situation with partners and friends because I'm the same way.
Yes, Nembutal has unfortunately been banned almost everywhere now.
Virtually everyone on this site would choose it to put themselves out of their misery if it was available and slip away peacefully as opposed to having to resort to other unpleasant methods.

 

[LetMeBeSad]

You're not a coward. You were just doing what you could to survive, like any other child would do. It's not selfish or cowardly at all to want to protect yourself from an evil violent parent; it's just basic common sense and survival instinct. I'm sure your siblings felt the same way; you were all just trying to survive and weren't given the chance to do anything else.

I know me saying this doesn't change anything but I'm terribly sorry your life has been filled with so much pain and misery. Just know that you're certainly not alone and millions upon millions of people have grown up in horrible family situations just like your own. Millions, perhaps even billions of people who've been forced to deal with abusive violent parents, shitty group homes, painful disabilities and wasted childhoods all their lives; it's just one of those things that the mainstream media because it's uncomfortable for the trashy privileged fuckwads who run the world, no matter how pervasive it may be. This whole idea of a childhood that's meant to be filled with love, friends, vacations, treats, etc., is something that really only exists for a minority of people when you actually think about it. 618,000 children in the US alone were found to be living in abusive homes in 2020, and that's probably just a small fraction of the real numbers given how notoriously negligent the police are in dealing with these things. Not to mention all the other billions of people worldwide living in extreme poverty, working in terrible sweatshops, etc.

But at the end of the day you deserve love, compassion and warmth. You deserve all the precious happiness and joy that the world has to offer. And it's not your responsibility to fix your abusive broken home. Just know that everyone here at Sanctioned Suicide is fully supportive of you and whatever direction you choose to take with your life, including taking it yourself. Sometimes CTB is the only true way to relieve the pain and we're all here to wish you well on that journey towards eternal peace and contentment. It's your decision to make and we'll be here to have your back no matter what happens. You have all the love and support of the 41,000 people here. That's 41,000 people that support you unconditionally. If you ever need something, we're here to support you, and we will always be here for that. No matter what happens, you are loved here. And we will do our best to help you find some sort of happiness, whether that's through CTB or anything else.

We love you man, and we always will <3

I really appreciate that. I lurked for a little while to see if this place was what I had heard it is. It seems like a good place for someone like me. Thanks Cage.

The fact that I'm not alone and there is so much worse going on in some others' lives is one of those oddly comforting things. Glad I'm not alone but, hate that the world is the way it is.

 

[Cage]

I really appreciate that. I lurked for a little while to see if this place was what I had heard it is. It seems like a good place for someone like me. Thanks Cage.

The fact that I'm not alone and there is so much worse going on in some others' lives is one of those oddly comforting things. Glad I'm not alone but, hate that the world is the way it is.

The world's a shitty ass place indeed. The most thing we can do is at least get some sort of positive experiences out of it, however small it may be, before we make our inevitable exit.

So sorry you went through a living nightmare too. Some people are pure evil.
I completely understand your situation with partners and friends because I'm the same way.
Yes, Nembutal has unfortunately been banned almost everywhere now.
Virtually everyone on this site would choose it to put themselves out of their misery if it was available and slip away peacefully as opposed to having to resort to other unpleasant methods.

I'm gonna expose myself as a contrarian here and say I'm not a fan of any drug-related method. Too many things that can go wrong, too much risk of it being slow and painful, just not the sort of thing that attracts me.

Sure, jumping has similar risks, but if you pick a high enough spot and remember to fall headfirst, it's over and done with a lot quicker than overdosing.

 

[Life Is My Coffin]

If I ever killed myself Id buy a shotgun to do it. I don't even like guns, I just want the most brutal suicide possible. I've always lived brutally, I love brutal music, brutal films, my life has been forever poisoned by learning about the brutal truth of most matters. And on top of all that most of my tattoos are in what is called the "brutal style". Figure my death should go with the continued theme my life portrays.

 

[Terranova]

I have so many memories of people's bullshit I've had to deal with. Throughout my life i've suffered so much injustice, people losing it on me about absolutely retarded matters to the point where it's just humor whenever it happens now.

Problem is I get so angry reminiscening on the past and the horse shit i've had to experience. The abuse and trauma i've seen gets to me and I get so mad just sitting still and having to think about it. I don't even want to explain details but ive noticed that I never really get over anything, and I never forget either. Is there any way to cope with this though? The only way I really deal with it is when i'm under some euphoric substance or in the rare "good mood". But I just wish i could forget it all. Anger is pain to me, and I don't want to be angry. But it's the only way my mind reacts to the memories of what I've dealt with and how I wish I could have responded to it better when I was in those situations.

i dont really ever get angry, its mostly frustration and depression, my brother and my father have been huge assholes to me, it has mostly been my father tho, i had many fights with him, he would tell me how because i was a minor i was essentially his property, wich to me was always as miserable of a thought as it was laughable, i dont forgive him nor do i forget the things he has done but anger is not a feeling i think i truly understand, i have felt it i think but it just turns to sorrow

 

[Life Is My Coffin]

I wish I could just not be angry/mad ever. All my trauma turns mostly into anger because the feelings of injustice equate to lividity. I hate it because anger is pain, it's something I don't even feel like I should even be in my own spiritual level. I would rather just feel down/depressed than angry. Anger doesn't go away for me, it's the worst.