Venting Confusion

[movinout17]

Confusion. Feels hard for me to put my thoughts in order. Even venting is weird for me, I overthink what I say. I don't even know what I want to say.

I don't feel like I belong in this world. I don't look too weird, I can talk, but my issues make me feel like the future is not good for me.

Being against suicide is normal imo. It's not until recently that I made an account here, as I've been contemplating CTB more seriously than ever, after like 6-7 years of ideation. Being suicidal is certainly it's own burden, it's hard to tolerate going out and talking to people as if I don't doomscroll on a suicidal forum, struggling with doomer mentality. And I care what people think, I don't want to be a weirdo.

I know It's actually in my power to improve some of my issues. It's hard for me to socialize, but if I do it more I'll be better at it. My family loves me and they're financial secure. They provide needs such as good food, they pay for my therapy, will comfort me if needed.

But it's me that I don't want to live with, there are things about me that I believe I can't change, I can't fix. I see young guys and girls outside living life, doing what normal people do, whether it's going to the club, playing videogames together, playing sports, having a satisfying job, and I believe that I'll never be one of them. I feel like if I'm going to be low throughout my life, I might as well CTB.

This forum is comforting, it's full of real people, people who relate to me. I have mixed feelings. Misery loves company. I don't want to stay here for long. there are a lot of reasons to stay alive, and also compelling reasons to CTB, I know it's my journey, it's hard to process the decision. It takes effort to process ending it all, effort to write the suicide note, effort to prepare and go through with it. It's logical to say, why don't I use that effort to better my life? My reason is because it's painful and doesn't seem worth it. But my life can improve. And I can go back and forth with this, it's frustrating.

Thanks for reading.

 

[FuneralCry]

It must be tiring being trapped in that situation but anyway I wish you the best in whatever happens going forward.

 

[movinout17]

It must be tiring being trapped in that situation but anyway I wish you the best in whatever happens going forward.

Thanks, I appreciate this. I do feel trapped. And being on this forum at all feels like my fate is decided

 

[Conflict_]

Reading your post, there is still hope for you! You certainly have that small, dim light in the back of your head telling you it can still be fixed. Maybe you just need a push in the right direction from someone who really cares... It sounds like you lack someone understanding and supportive in your surroundings. No one is truly perfect and it is unrealistic to require perfection from yourself. Fixing your issues is a very handy skill but I find that it is healthier in the long run to learn to accept some of your issues - imperfections make us who we are after all!

Feeling like you're weird or that you don't belong is something I think I can relate to. You are right about one thing - it's insanely hard but if you try, you will get better..! Being suicidal nowadays isn't really a "weird" thing... Many people struggle with suicidal thoughts privately. Some that are more open to conversation might even show that they relate to you... It's comforting to have someone listen and understand...

There is one insanely important thing to remember at all times - CTB can wait! It's not going to magically disappear one day and we have to remember it's a permanent decision. You can wait for that one day to think about whether you really want to end everything at this time.

If you want someone to text with, I'm on this forum quite often, and if I find a way to DM, we could chat sometimes.

I wish you all the best <3
- Ayr