Oh how to explain. Part vent part story. I don't know.
TLDR; split from therapist today (via email, not in a session) and am annoyingly upset and embarrassed and all sorts about it. Too chicken to realistically CTB (ideation but no attempts or real plans, regular SH) but too isolated and lost and stuck/far gone to try going back to life/society. Don't know what I want.
Ended with my therapist (18 months, private) today. She'd been away for a few weeks and I just get so stuck in knowing what to say I chickened out of booking another session. She chased me up after a week (which I part hoped would happen) but when I tried to explain it all in my confused conflicting way (she is familiar with) that I just don't know what I should do or can't trust what is best for me, the response was 'I read your email... I understand...its all fine... my door is always open...take care...'. I've got really upset. But I also know that she hasn't helped me. But I also have too much jumbled 'nothingness' to justify the time, effort and cost in trying starting again.
I feel really stupid because looking back there were times I felt unimpressed by her and frustrated after just a few months. But I know part of the thing is it takes time so I stuck with it to 'trust the system'. Is my first attempt at therapy and I have no idea what I'm meant to be getting out of it as there's so much conflicting info online everywhere. Time seemed to disappear somehow into months and months - in someway counting down to the sessions gave me something to plan towards.
I sort of kept hoping she would admit defeat and suggest sending me elsewhere/help refer me on, but she would just suggest breaks or allow me to 'storm off' for a couple weeks before I'd inevitably come crawling back. I must remain stubborn this time and not go back.
Back story - I just don't really know. I know I've had ups and downs and low level ideation in the past. Never planned ctb really for fear of messing something up and risking tarnishing my 'clear' record - it'd have to be 100% successful. (Jobs I've had/been interested in have required medicals - though those would be down the drain now anyway). Hence now being here engaging in more in depth research. I'm mid 30s and tried a lot of different jobs and locations. Usually end up moving on for fear of burdening anyone with me or my confusion. This time (18 months ago) when I quit my latest job (a proper attempt at a career change/retrain) with anxiety and overwhelm that I barely could recognise/word in myself at the time, it hit me hard. Colleagues and the GP were hopeless and I opted for a private therapy chance while running away.
Maybe she has actually been helpful in bringing me some limited understanding to me to even have some basic attempt at words for my total mix of feelings and reactions (defo not 18 months worth).
Words seemingly come more easily to me written than spoken (I would regularly freeze or dissociate or go into a trance in sessions - never did understand). The same happens with friends etc who have tried to listen to/help me - which leads to accusations of 'bottling up' or 'hiding something'. Which causes me to get paranoid that there's something everyone knows that I don't - almost a conspiracy theory feeling and I can't argue against it. Why can't someone just tell me what it is they are expecting/coaxing me to say. It all makes me get super frustrated with myself (making it worse) and spiralling with more frustration in either upsetting people I cared about or wasting the limited/expensive time when I should be talking/doing whatever therapy process supposedly needs. My therapist even accepted me writing long emails to try help me communicate. But just like now, I go off on random essay rants and can't even remember or explain or properly proofread what I've written. Almost like drunk messaging. But when sober. Can annoyingly actually feel so much clearer when I'm drunk sometimes.
I don't know what I'm meant to do. I can't risk trying settling anywhere again - I just cause upset and hurt. On paper I'm super functional and 'doing' loads. I'm just not functional - its operating on autopilot but to an above average level in some aspects. (Am not currently working, I'm referring to 'activities' I swan about doing that a lot of people would possibly be impressed by.) Which is ridiculous. Sometimes I wander if I keep putting myself in high anxiety or stress activities/scenarios just to justify the feelings and overwhelm. I annoyingly seem to thrive in survival situations but go to absolute shit when then expected to thrive in normal situations.
I.just.dont.know.
Sorry, thanks for the space.
Argh. Urgh.
TLDR; split from therapist today (via email, not in a session) and am annoyingly upset and embarrassed and all sorts about it. Too chicken to realistically CTB (ideation but no attempts or real plans, regular SH) but too isolated and lost and stuck/far gone to try going back to life/society. Don't know what I want.
Ended with my therapist (18 months, private) today. She'd been away for a few weeks and I just get so stuck in knowing what to say I chickened out of booking another session. She chased me up after a week (which I part hoped would happen) but when I tried to explain it all in my confused conflicting way (she is familiar with) that I just don't know what I should do or can't trust what is best for me, the response was 'I read your email... I understand...its all fine... my door is always open...take care...'. I've got really upset. But I also know that she hasn't helped me. But I also have too much jumbled 'nothingness' to justify the time, effort and cost in trying starting again.
I feel really stupid because looking back there were times I felt unimpressed by her and frustrated after just a few months. But I know part of the thing is it takes time so I stuck with it to 'trust the system'. Is my first attempt at therapy and I have no idea what I'm meant to be getting out of it as there's so much conflicting info online everywhere. Time seemed to disappear somehow into months and months - in someway counting down to the sessions gave me something to plan towards.
I sort of kept hoping she would admit defeat and suggest sending me elsewhere/help refer me on, but she would just suggest breaks or allow me to 'storm off' for a couple weeks before I'd inevitably come crawling back. I must remain stubborn this time and not go back.
Back story - I just don't really know. I know I've had ups and downs and low level ideation in the past. Never planned ctb really for fear of messing something up and risking tarnishing my 'clear' record - it'd have to be 100% successful. (Jobs I've had/been interested in have required medicals - though those would be down the drain now anyway). Hence now being here engaging in more in depth research. I'm mid 30s and tried a lot of different jobs and locations. Usually end up moving on for fear of burdening anyone with me or my confusion. This time (18 months ago) when I quit my latest job (a proper attempt at a career change/retrain) with anxiety and overwhelm that I barely could recognise/word in myself at the time, it hit me hard. Colleagues and the GP were hopeless and I opted for a private therapy chance while running away.
Maybe she has actually been helpful in bringing me some limited understanding to me to even have some basic attempt at words for my total mix of feelings and reactions (defo not 18 months worth).
Words seemingly come more easily to me written than spoken (I would regularly freeze or dissociate or go into a trance in sessions - never did understand). The same happens with friends etc who have tried to listen to/help me - which leads to accusations of 'bottling up' or 'hiding something'. Which causes me to get paranoid that there's something everyone knows that I don't - almost a conspiracy theory feeling and I can't argue against it. Why can't someone just tell me what it is they are expecting/coaxing me to say. It all makes me get super frustrated with myself (making it worse) and spiralling with more frustration in either upsetting people I cared about or wasting the limited/expensive time when I should be talking/doing whatever therapy process supposedly needs. My therapist even accepted me writing long emails to try help me communicate. But just like now, I go off on random essay rants and can't even remember or explain or properly proofread what I've written. Almost like drunk messaging. But when sober. Can annoyingly actually feel so much clearer when I'm drunk sometimes.
I don't know what I'm meant to do. I can't risk trying settling anywhere again - I just cause upset and hurt. On paper I'm super functional and 'doing' loads. I'm just not functional - its operating on autopilot but to an above average level in some aspects. (Am not currently working, I'm referring to 'activities' I swan about doing that a lot of people would possibly be impressed by.) Which is ridiculous. Sometimes I wander if I keep putting myself in high anxiety or stress activities/scenarios just to justify the feelings and overwhelm. I annoyingly seem to thrive in survival situations but go to absolute shit when then expected to thrive in normal situations.
I.just.dont.know.
Sorry, thanks for the space.
Argh. Urgh.
