Confused

[pentobarbitaldreams]

I've been doing some thinking, and I'm not really sure what I want to do. I've been suicidal since I was 11 and having a hard transition to middle school. My mom caught me on "lost all hope" (pro-choice website) and had me start going to a therapist. Guy was useless, we just played board games and he vaguely asked me about my feelings. Since then, I've always played a game with myself where I'll ask myself, "if I could die by snapping my fingers, would I?" I've asked myself this question for seven years now, and the answer is always "yes". Even now it's yes. I have made a few weak attempts at hanging myself with a belt over the past few years but always backed out - I don't know if it's because of the pain I felt on my neck or an actual will to live or whatever. But I'd always end up looking back on my "attempts" and think to myself, "I really wish I had just done it."I also developed schizophrenia last year and I had an extreme psychotic episode: I thought I was some kind of God, I thought I was transgender, I thought I was talking to spirits, I was hallucinating, hearing voices, I thought the whole world was in on a conspiracy to experiment on me. I've gotten better since, but my psychiatrist has warned that it could happen again. I also have some lingering symptoms including cognitive decline because of it. If I had killed myself before psychosis, that would have been a thousand times preferable to suffering the way I did. Recently I decided to commit to a suicide plan, because I've felt this way for seven years with no improvement in sight, and only worse things to come. I recently ordered SN through the mail, it's coming tomorrow if the tracking is correct. I was planning on offing myself Sunday. But now I'm not sure what I want to do. I wish SN had a 100% death rate, but I know it doesn't, and since I'll have to attempt while family is home, I may get found and hospitalized. What a fucking nightmare that would be. And I bought the SN using my dads credit card under the pretense of using it for an experiment so I don't want him to possibly get in trouble for that. I just know that whatever I do, if the outcome isn't death, I'll regret it to the core of my being. My future self would never be able to forgive my current self for not taking advantage of a seemingly high success comparatively low risk method like SN. So death seems like the best option to me. It's just so fucking frustrating that we don't have a public euthanasia option for intellectually competent mentally ill people here in America, so I could say goodbye to my family and have some certainty that I would definitely be dying. Anyway, sorry for posting my life story.

 

[oivoi]

Don't excuse about saying such things!
If you need someone to speak with, message me.

 

[Living sucks]

First, SN is 100% reliable when you follow 4 basics, fast for 8 hours, take 20-25g in 50-10ml water and you don't call for help or get found for 2-4 hours.
Any failures are because one of those things weren't followed.

second, just observation, to ask the question, if I could die by snapping my fingers, to say yes, of course! 90% ppl on SS would. That's cause it would be quick and easy. You didn't have a guaranteed method.
Now all of a sudden you actually have a method arriving tomoro that guarantees death... now there's no excuse, it's the real deal. You can leave the world in 20 minutes and be gone in an hour.

That question is no longer hypothetical, it's real. Reality has set in. It's no longer a game.

Regardless, I'm sorry you're in this situation like the rest of us. It sucks!

 

[ThoughtsMinds]

@pentobarbitaldreams I can relate to having difficultly coping after a psychotic episode. I am biploar 1 and I had a nasty psychotic and manic episode where I shit tore my family down in a very public manner on Facebook. I thought I was talking to gods and at one point I thought I was royalty... I spent almost a month in a psychiatric unit. Mother of Christ that was an embarrassing disastrous time. I feel like after the psychosis and mania I just can't connect to people like I used to... it's like a part of my humanity is permanently lost.

 

[dysfunctional]

@pentobarbitaldreams I can relate to having difficultly coping after a psychotic episode. I am biploar 1 and I had a nasty psychotic and manic episode where I shit tore my family down in a very public manner on Facebook. I thought I was talking to gods and at one point I thought I was royalty... I spent almost a month in a psychiatric unit. Mother of Christ that was an embarrassing disastrous time. I feel like after the psychosis and mania I just can't connect to people like I used to... it's like a part of my humanity is permanently lost.

I had a similar episode this winter. Destroyed alot of friendships, my relationship to my family, lost alot of my valuables, ended up homeless for awhile. After it I really feel like I can't relate to most people. Especially now that I'm in a very depressed state. The pain is real.