dra1ncoreslwt
tove 𓆩♡𓆪
- Mar 22, 2023
- 129
this is my very first post so I'm unsure still of how everything exactly works, but I really needed to find a way to say what concerns me a little, I'll probably make more posts in the future over the same topic bc it's bigger but I'll try my best to make myself readable and understandable, mostly looking for recommendations or comfort of sorts.
ive been idealizing myself with ctb for a while now, months of non stop over thinking about it, at first I was scared so I used taking poor care of myself as an excuse in hopes of just, yknow. I have a chronic illness that got diagnosed 3 years ago so it's been real hard to assimilate, and I've been subjectively hoping it'd get worse. I never mentioned straight up suic1de to any of my close friends but one of my family members did ask about it, of course though I shrugged it off. I don't think I'm ready if I'll ever be to mention anything to them. I did mention it to my s/o however, several times as probably subconsciously warning him. yesterday I had a terrible breakdown and told him I was planning to ctb, he understands me and doesn't push me to reach out for "help" because he understands some stuff is out of my reach and possibilities and how hard it's been for me to handle anything so it would just make things worse. im scared however, even with the emotional support, that I won't be able to control myself under a crisis and ctb. part of me is just done with all the pain as I am in both constant and unstoppable physical (my chronic illness) and mental pain, but another part of me wants the help. I'm mainly obsessing over the concept and my paranoia and anxiety isn't helping me at all. anyone under a similar situation? thanks for reading xx.
ive been idealizing myself with ctb for a while now, months of non stop over thinking about it, at first I was scared so I used taking poor care of myself as an excuse in hopes of just, yknow. I have a chronic illness that got diagnosed 3 years ago so it's been real hard to assimilate, and I've been subjectively hoping it'd get worse. I never mentioned straight up suic1de to any of my close friends but one of my family members did ask about it, of course though I shrugged it off. I don't think I'm ready if I'll ever be to mention anything to them. I did mention it to my s/o however, several times as probably subconsciously warning him. yesterday I had a terrible breakdown and told him I was planning to ctb, he understands me and doesn't push me to reach out for "help" because he understands some stuff is out of my reach and possibilities and how hard it's been for me to handle anything so it would just make things worse. im scared however, even with the emotional support, that I won't be able to control myself under a crisis and ctb. part of me is just done with all the pain as I am in both constant and unstoppable physical (my chronic illness) and mental pain, but another part of me wants the help. I'm mainly obsessing over the concept and my paranoia and anxiety isn't helping me at all. anyone under a similar situation? thanks for reading xx.
