Story Conflicting Desires about Parenthood

[HopeisjustaPoison]

I never wanted to be born. At least, that's how I feel right now, but looking back at my life, I can see how those emotions and threads have existed in one form or another.

I was born into a religion where I was told that I came here for a purpose. My parents directly instructed me that I was here to help them with my younger brother, the one who would attack and physically abuse me [note: not of his own volition, in a way, he's semi-verbal on the Autism spectrum and even as an adult has maybe 200 "words" he can say and will forever be dependent on others to care for him]. Of course I was born before him so I could help them parent him!!! /s This same religion pushed on AFAB individuals, like myself, that our greatest goal in life was to marry, have children, and bring more souls into this world.

I've since left that religion. Many other AFAB individuals no longer feel the desire to be a parent and are happy to be or wish they were childfree. Unfortunately, I don't feel that way. I'm such a hypocrite though. Despite my long-standing insight into my own suicidal nature, I feelt like I would feel alive to be a parent - or at the very least, the idea of being able to devote myself to helping and raising another human being. As if this would be some lasting contribution to the world. Which is stupid for many reasons.

For one, I am physically incapable of conceiving a child naturally. For another, I have BPD (Borderline) and ASD (Autism) beyond hating myself and my own existance. Surely having a child would be a great risk of bringing someone else with one or more of these hardships into a life they didn't consent to. For another, my own conditions have made it so that I am (for good reason) unwilling to raise a child, even if not my own, unless I have a partner who I can trust to care for and love them while I am trying to go through my dark spells where I can barely take care of myself. And what effect would seeing that struggle have on a young mind?!? I've had partners, and of the last three, only one stayed with me, and they are happily childfree.
I just feel like a monster. I hate my own existence, but somehow feel that being a parent might be something that would bring purpose to my life in a way that I might actually, consistently want to live and strive to be better? I don't know if I'm just confused, or dealing with deeply imbedded indoctrination, or just feel like unless someone needs me, I'm useless and might as well throw myself away? Even if it would give me purpose, it seems cruel to bring a child into the world so that *I* can have a meaningful life. And yet, that's the thing that comes up again and again. And it's something that is morally dubious and, for reasons mentioned above, not attainable for me.

If you got this far, thanks for reading. I would appreciate any insight, perspective, or criticism. I know this is contradictory, but I also know that, in this moment and many similar moments before, it's how I feel.

 

[jar-baby]

You're no monster. I think it's quite understandable to feel that way. Having kids seems morally questionable to me too but emotionally I think I'd like to be a mom.

I hate my own existence, but somehow feel that being a parent might be something that would bring purpose to my life in a way that I might actually, consistently want to live and strive to be better? I don't know if I'm just confused, or dealing with deeply imbedded indoctrination, or just feel like unless someone needs me

I've definitely heard that sentiment expressed before— that if your life feels empty or meaningless you should have a child. And honestly, for a lot of people, it probably works. Also, your biology's hardwired to make you feel like that. But like you say, the question is whether it's worth it when taking into account the child's potential experience as well as your own.

I think it's good that you're self-aware enough to realise you may not be in a state to raise kids.

I don't know— perhaps you could volunteer at orphanages, or animal shelters? And depending on the nature of your dark spells, you could try fostering? Help improve existent lives— ease existent pain, etc.

 

[HopeisjustaPoison]

You're no monster. I think it's quite understandable to feel that way. Having kids seems morally questionable to me too but emotionally I think I'd like to be a mom.


I've definitely heard that sentiment expressed before— that if your life feels empty or meaningless you should have a child. And honestly, for a lot of people, it probably works. Also, your biology's hardwired to make you feel like that. But like you say, the question is whether it's worth it when taking into account the child's potential experience as well as your own.

I think it's good that you're self-aware enough to realise you may not be in a state to raise kids.

I don't know— perhaps you could volunteer at orphanages, or animal shelters? And depending on the nature of your dark spells, you could try fostering? Help improve existent lives— ease existent pain, etc.

I think that makes a lot of sense. Thanks for the thought.
I am currently in school studying speech therapy so, once I'm done with that, if I live that long, I will definitely have opportunities to try and be a force for better in the lives of children if I choose to be.

It still is painful though. Especially seeing the way some parents treat their children in ways that make it seem as though they don't even want the children they have.

I would love to step up and foster, but it might not be something I can do. I tried fostering with a previous partner, but had to stop because, in my partner's words, they "couldn't take care of me and the kid both" if I went into my more depressed, bad state.