Conflict in my mind

[goodoldnoname923]

I'm sorry to vent about this but i just need to say this,I don't know what i want anymore or what i should do

I keep thinking i want to die and need to as I can't deal with the pain suffering guilt loss of my friend my inability to change or find happiness and so on but at the same time I'm not sure if i can or will succeed or even if a part of me deserves to escape the guilt and pain i've caused others

I feel like I can't go back to who i was or aleast who I thought i was so do i just accept myself for the bad person i am and embrace that?, i would need to fully let go of the person i was and to be fully ok with that though…part of me leans towards this but there is still a huge feeling of guilt into transforming into this person

should i subject myself to all abuse and suffering i caused others breaking myself into a state of submission instilling the fear into me I inflicted on others to somehow learn or be susceptible to the change I desperately need to make? But i feel i have such a strong will it would be hard to find someone who could fully overpower that

How can i take a clear course of action when my mind keeps flipping and twisting constantly between all of these constraining ideals and i know no one can make this decision for me and it's something i need to decide but its so fucking difficult and I don't know what i should do

 

[cinderdust]

I get that feeling. It fucking sucks.

Ultimately, only you know what's best for you. What's 'right' or 'wrong' morally isn't set in stone, even if others try to convince you of that. Obviously I know nothing about you or your situation, but if you're feeling this much guilt and pain its hard to believe you're that worthy of some eternal torment.

I hope you can find some peace soon, or at least a moment where the answers come naturally.