Another person I was extremely close with has cut me off and come back three times now, I cant trust him but I cant leave him either. I think this is my final chance to be his friend before he cuts me off completely, so I need to make sure I don't fuck it up. He is the only person I will talk about by suicidal thoughts with (I have a councillor but won't discuss ctb) yet he has told me he doesn't want to know the heavy shit this time. I don't want to put him under unwanted stress, but if I cant calmly talk to him about it im going to have another 'crazy' episode.
He says he wants to be my friend, and I want it too, but its unfair that people only want me when I'm perfect
I hear that you're hurting and am sending compassion.
I also want to offer a different perspective in the hopes it will help you.
Your friend *wants* to be your friend. He has several different wells from which you can get healthy water, but that particular well is dry. He needs to replenish it so that he has enough resources for his own emotional health, if you try to tap into it again, he will take away from you *all* of his wells. He is practicing healthy boundaries with you, this makes him a good and trustworthy friend. Maybe you provide benefits for him also, maybe he enjoys partaking of your wells of friendship and common interests.
Here is an example from outside of you so that maybe you can see without it feeling personal.
I had two friends for several years.
Friend A became a student in a demanding program for the limited time of a couple years. Friend B wanted to spend time with Friend A, but Friend A did not have the time to spare. The resources of that well were already spoken for and were very low. Friend B was bored. She called Friend A selfish and tried to lay guilt trips on her so that she would give in and hang out, rather than find something else to relieve her boredom, that is, find another well.
Friend B also made a personal life choice. She decided to do an illegal profession part-time. She told me about it. I told her I could be her friend, but that I didn't want to hear anything about the job. We had mutual interests and other topics of conversation, a long history, and we liked each other. She agreed, and we remained close friends, but a month later, she complained that the job was a major portion of her life, and she wanted to talk about it, that she couldn't *not* talk about it. So for several months I tried to listen without judgment, to laugh at some of the stories, to care about things she experienced in those stories. But I was still bothered by the fact she was doing the job, and being made to listen about it took more from my well of friendship and compassion than I was willing to give. I did not have the resources to both accept her choice
and listen to her talk about enacting it. It hurt me to listen. It took from me. So I finally told her that I could no longer accept what she was doing, took responsibility for my feelings about it without judging her, ended the friendship for my own emotional health, and replenished my inner resources.
Friend A still maintains a limited friendship with Friend B, but Friend A regularly has to reinforce her boundaries about her time, which drains from her wells, which Friend B does not replenish with support for choosing a difficult field of study that will provide good foundations for Friend A's future. Every time she mentions Friend B, Friend A is frustrated and not enjoying the friendship.
I have no more complaints about Friend B. I wish her the best and love her from afar, and I am relieved she can't draw from my wells anymore, which are full again and serve me so that I have more than enough for myself and can share the surplus with others, such as I do here on SS.
Does that perspective help at all?
