Venting complicated feelings about relationships

[dental]

i'm in a relationship with a person i really genuinely care about. i want him to be happy, and i know that when/if i ctb it would wreck him. but i'm also barely able to uphold my end of the relationship because i'm too fucking depressed... honestly, he's way more patient with me than he should be. he's tethering me to life, but that just makes everything hurt more. i feel like such a terrible person for wanting to cut things off with him just so he won't hurt as much when i die. i should be happy that i have someone who cares about me this much. but my mental illnesses and conditions make life so fucking painful in a way that relationships can't fix, and things like this only make me want to do something impulsive more.