Completely devastated and lost

[fastFWD]

as i sit and type this I find myself in a void that has no bounds. my only purpose and reason for going on is now gone. my love and world (my sweet baby girl dog) is no longer by my side. the love and support that we shared was unlike anything I've ever experienced in this life and now I'm just alone with nobody. nobody happy to see me and give me daily kisses and who was always by my side and had my back 24/7. it's all gone and I am so so alone and sad that words can not describe the emptiness that I am now experiencing.

yesterday I dug her a grave and buried her wrapped in a comforter that was on one of her beds. I placed her head on her pillow and enclosed her favorite toys and a full cold bottle of water. she loved cold fresh water and she really appreciated her pillow; I remember the first day I bought her a pillow and she slept just like any human would with her head resting on it. she fell asleep so quickly and deeply on it; something so simple yet it was a sight to see<3.

I have intense feelings of guilt within me atm that I didn't do enough. On her last day we went to one of her vets for help and this vet as always told us to go to a specialist for emergency surgery. her spleen ruptured and she was bleeding internally. I took her to an emergency vet and they strongly advised against surgery saying it was cancer that had spread to other organs within her and she might not survive the surgery or if she did she may only be alive for one or two months more max. but she was healthy so I didn't understand their reasoning or how they could know for sure what was really going on. after an agonizing hour of back and forth I made the terrible choice to put her down. I should have went to a different ER vet but it's too late now.

in a little while I am going to partially dig back up some of her grave and place 50-100 lbs some larger rocks that I purchased to serve as a medium layer in the soil as a wild animal deterrent. I dug a fairly deep hole but I want to put my worries of her grave being disturbed at ease at least.

anyhow all that's left now is just me and i am a complete loser and failure in life driving around a failing shitty car. people like to shout at me making fun of my car when I'm driving but it never bothered me as much knowing I had my dog who loved me and appreciated me. but now it's just me; I have no friends, no life, and I'm just a worthless drug user and depressive suicidal mess. I devoted the last 5-6 years of my life to my dog completely. I figured her life was so short and she was so loving that I couldn't think of anyone more deserving of my life and time then her and I don't regret that one bit but now I am so down that it is unbearable. everyday I would make her scrabbled eggs and give her some yogurt in the morning. then I'd give her a bowl of her chicken and vegetable stew that I would prepare for the week each week. she'd also get sone turkey/oatmeal loaf before I would leave for work. I always kept the tv on for her as I was gone as she loved to watch and bark at other animals on tv. every day after work we'd go for an hour long car ride as it was her favorite thing to do. she just loved to talk and have her head out the window. she would try to bite the cars that went by too fast. If they moved slower they would get a pass tho<3. we had an amazing routine and I took her with me whenever I could in the car. when we'd get home I'd put animal shows on over some stuff I would watch. she really liked to watch the animal shows together more so than alone and she'd bark much more when we were watching together. oh how I shall miss all of this…

I've always been one to devote all of myself and time to one single person and maybe im too much to a lot of people and they have always left but my dog stayed and reciprocated and it was the most loved I have ever felt in my life.

now that it's over I wish I would have just brought her home instead of agreeing to putting her down. I could have held her as she passed naturally and then ODd myself at least shortly after embracing her. I don't like putting animals down at all and I'm very disappointed and disgusted with myself. I don't know if she was in pain or how she was feeling in her last moments but she stopped eating and couldn't really get up easily. her paws were very cold and I was told she was in shock. I held her tightly and sang to her a lullaby I've sung to her over the years as she passed on with a nurse's assistance. i felt her breathe her last breath. I wish i would have been looking into her eyes as she left but instead she just saw this stranger injecting her as her last sight. it was the saddest moment of my entire life.

anyhow I just wanted to share this part of my life with you all. I really have no one else to share it with so I'm happy for finding this place and the people here. I've been here for a few years and I knew this day was coming but I just thought I had more time. I don't have anything left to live for so I don't plan on sticking around for much longer. now that I'm alone things are more difficult than ever. even leaving this earth seems more difficult as I face dying alone now. with no one by my side I feel so lost and afraid. my mind has went from constantly repeating 'please kill me' to (god) please help me…

 

[sevenkarmas]

I'm so sorry. Losing a pet, particularly a dog is devastating. They love unconditionally.

 

[fastFWD]

thank you and yes this loss is extremely difficult. she was basically my daughter. we took such good care of each other; i really really miss her <\3

 

[justwanasleep]

Oh god your post made me sad. You did more than enough don't doubt that. You were each others world. I lost a pet 2 years ago and it still eats me up everyday so I understand the feeling of not doing enough. We are only human. I wish you all the best.

 

[Shivali]

Tears, when I' ve read your words. I feel you completely. Dogs are the most loyal loving beings. Their loss feels unbearable ...

 

[fastFWD]

thank you @justwanasleep. i appreciate your words and understanding. I'm really sorry for your loss as well. how have you been able to continue after such a devastating loss?
thank you @Shivali <3 sorry to have made you sad as well :( my tears seem to be endless atm. dogs really are such loving loyal creatures. they deserve so much more in this life than most of them get. at times i felt mine was an angel sent to me. their love is just so pure and amazing. as you say it is truely unbearable now...

 

[justwanasleep]

Much loveMy pets are Guinea pigs so I didn't have just the one, I had no choice but to carry on and be there for my girl that was left. I had to quickly get her a friend as they can't live on their own which was awful the last thing I wanted was to replace my baby it felt like a betrayal. But life goes on even when you don't want it to.

 

[fastFWD]

@justwanasleep i feel you on the replacement/betrayal vibe. someone told me i should get another dog and that made me feel just awful inside. i wish i had your strength to carry on <3

 

[looking_for_peace]

If it is any consolation, I think you made the right choice to euthanize. My dog had cancer too, and I held off putting her down. She looked so sad in her last months... please don't blame yourself. You only wished for her suffering to end. They can be in so much pain but they cannot tell us. She sounds like an amazing dog.

 

[fastFWD]

@looking_for_peace ty and i'm really sorry for your loss too. cancer really sucks :(. we had been battling it for many years but i guess we were losing the battle on the inside :( she was an amazing dog. she stole the show everywhere we went. many thought she was a wolf and aggressive but she was just the sweetest, smartest, loyal, trustworthy and most loving german shepherd ever. she was all black and i had trained her to give kisses on command which really turned those who were initially afraid of her.

i suppose i don't really know what kind of pain she was in entirely but i'd like to think it was not too bad :( but you are right i didn't want her to suffer in the end. sadly now i just don't know what i'll do without her tbh </3 wish i could go back in time to a few days ago...

 

[brokensea]

There is nothing more devastating than losing a pet. There's no complexities like human relationships it's just pure love and pure pain when they are gone. You had a tough decision to make and there was truly nothing you could do. Even having the surgery they could have been in worse pain until they passed. I think you made the right decision. The only decision you could have made to help stop the suffering. Your dog had a wonderful life with you and was taken care of so well. No one else could have given them such a wonderful life of love and the special bond you shared. Sadly, in this world our beloved pets don't live as long as we do. Their cycle of birth to death is much shorter. They also can get illness along the way. Just know you gave them an amazing life while they were here. The best life and did all you could. Your pet will always be in your heart and the love is real between you.

 

[hopelessgirl]

My condolences <3

 

[fastFWD]

@brokensea your words made me cry because they are so true. i gave her 100% every day and raised her with pure love; never raising a hand at her for her entire life. she knew no cruelty from me, only love. we had a connection unlike any other. it's not fair their lives are so short; i wish we had more time... i will try to remember all of the good we did for each other and the pure love that we shared but sadly i don't think it will take away this awful emptiness inside of me. thank you very much for your kind and compassionate words. it means a lot to me what you wrote <3

 

[makethepainstop]

as i sit and type this I find myself in a void that has no bounds. my only purpose and reason for going on is now gone. my love and world (my sweet baby girl dog) is no longer by my side. the love and support that we shared was unlike anything I've ever experienced in this life and now I'm just alone with nobody. nobody happy to see me and give me daily kisses and who was always by my side and had my back 24/7. it's all gone and I am so so alone and sad that words can not describe the emptiness that I am now experiencing.

yesterday I dug her a grave and buried her wrapped in a comforter that was on one of her beds. I placed her head on her pillow and enclosed her favorite toys and a full cold bottle of water. she loved cold fresh water and she really appreciated her pillow; I remember the first day I bought her a pillow and she slept just like any human would with her head resting on it. she fell asleep so quickly and deeply on it; something so simple yet it was a sight to see<3.

I have intense feelings of guilt within me atm that I didn't do enough. On her last day we went to one of her vets for help and this vet as always told us to go to a specialist for emergency surgery. her spleen ruptured and she was bleeding internally. I took her to an emergency vet and they strongly advised against surgery saying it was cancer that had spread to other organs within her and she might not survive the surgery or if she did she may only be alive for one or two months more max. but she was healthy so I didn't understand their reasoning or how they could know for sure what was really going on. after an agonizing hour of back and forth I made the terrible choice to put her down. I should have went to a different ER vet but it's too late now.

in a little while I am going to partially dig back up some of her grave and place 50-100 lbs some larger rocks that I purchased to serve as a medium layer in the soil as a wild animal deterrent. I dug a fairly deep hole but I want to put my worries of her grave being disturbed at ease at least.

anyhow all that's left now is just me and i am a complete loser and failure in life driving around a failing shitty car. people like to shout at me making fun of my car when I'm driving but it never bothered me as much knowing I had my dog who loved me and appreciated me. but now it's just me; I have no friends, no life, and I'm just a worthless drug user and depressive suicidal mess. I devoted the last 5-6 years of my life to my dog completely. I figured her life was so short and she was so loving that I couldn't think of anyone more deserving of my life and time then her and I don't regret that one bit but now I am so down that it is unbearable. everyday I would make her scrabbled eggs and give her some yogurt in the morning. then I'd give her a bowl of her chicken and vegetable stew that I would prepare for the week each week. she'd also get sone turkey/oatmeal loaf before I would leave for work. I always kept the tv on for her as I was gone as she loved to watch and bark at other animals on tv. every day after work we'd go for an hour long car ride as it was her favorite thing to do. she just loved to talk and have her head out the window. she would try to bite the cars that went by too fast. If they moved slower they would get a pass tho<3. we had an amazing routine and I took her with me whenever I could in the car. when we'd get home I'd put animal shows on over some stuff I would watch. she really liked to watch the animal shows together more so than alone and she'd bark much more when we were watching together. oh how I shall miss all of this…

I've always been one to devote all of myself and time to one single person and maybe im too much to a lot of people and they have always left but my dog stayed and reciprocated and it was the most loved I have ever felt in my life.

now that it's over I wish I would have just brought her home instead of agreeing to putting her down. I could have held her as she passed naturally and then ODd myself at least shortly after embracing her. I don't like putting animals down at all and I'm very disappointed and disgusted with myself. I don't know if she was in pain or how she was feeling in her last moments but she stopped eating and couldn't really get up easily. her paws were very cold and I was told she was in shock. I held her tightly and sang to her a lullaby I've sung to her over the years as she passed on with a nurse's assistance. i felt her breathe her last breath. I wish i would have been looking into her eyes as she left but instead she just saw this stranger injecting her as her last sight. it was the saddest moment of my entire life.

anyhow I just wanted to share this part of my life with you all. I really have no one else to share it with so I'm happy for finding this place and the people here. I've been here for a few years and I knew this day was coming but I just thought I had more time. I don't have anything left to live for so I don't plan on sticking around for much longer. now that I'm alone things are more difficult than ever. even leaving this earth seems more difficult as I face dying alone now. with no one by my side I feel so lost and afraid. my mind has went from constantly repeating 'please kill me' to (god) please help me…

You sound like a wonderful soul, so kind and caring. If you had a boyfriend or a girlfriend, you would be considered a catch to them. You know there are many other dogs in dog jail,(dog pound), that would be happy to make your acquaintance.

 

[brokensea]

@brokensea your words made me cry because they are so true. i gave her 100% every day and raised her with pure love; never raising a hand at her for her entire life. she knew no cruelty from me, only love. we had a connection unlike any other. it's not fair their lives are so short; i wish we had more time... i will try to remember all of the good we did for each other and the pure love that we shared but sadly i don't think it will take away this awful emptiness inside of me. thank you very much for your kind and compassionate words. it means a lot to me what you wrote <3

I had to go through this too with my beloved cat. The only love I felt from anyone was from her growing up. I wailed and bawled in front of the clinic they put her down at and I'm sure they thought I was crazy. I never wanted another cat again. The pain was too much. Many years later I did get one and have had him for 15 years. I still miss my old gray cat but I don't feel any deep pain anymore when I think of her. I think the grief is so pure and so raw you truly experience it fully and in some way as time passes you feel more at peace with the grief than you do for a human. Because all of it even the experience of loss is love in it's purest form. There are less lingering regrets in time as there was so much more good and happiness and that's why it hurts. It is one of the most painful thing to go through. It's hard to imagine you'll ever feel ok. But I think that kind of true love is with you forever and I know in time you will find acceptance and peace because there is so much goodness and love that was experienced that even death cannot take it away.

 

[FuneralCry]

It must be so painful and hard to deal with what you are going through but losing those that we knew is simply inevitable in life, the reality is that we will all lose everything eventually. The fate of all living beings is to deteriorate and then just die but at least all those gone cannot suffer. Rest in peace.

 

[fastFWD]

@makethepainstop ty for the kind words and seeing 'me' through my post. unfortunately despite being a kind soul who is very caring and is always there for others, my borderline has made me 'too much' for others and they always leave in the end.

i know there are other dogs/animals out there that need help but it would not feel right to have another dog sadly as my heart will forever belong to my last dog, the things i said to her, the promises i had made... i suppose if her son were an option he would be the only one i would consider but that is not likely an option sadly...

 

[Wannagonow]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I understand her importance to you. Dogs are family. My girl is the only one I see everyday. She knows when I'm sad and is always good company. I know her time here will be short. I try not to think about it. I hope your heart heals enough to share your life with another 4-legged friend in the future. You will need time to heal.