commit suicide by leaving my 3 year old son alone, am i a selfish cowardly depressive dad?

[alown]

Am I selfish if I leave my 3 year old son and decide to leave this awful world?

I take care of it alone, his mother lives 9000 kilometers away and has not seen her son for 2 years, during all this time I take care of him alone being suffering from charcot disease and being depressed (serious condition).

Am I selfish in giving my son a better future than being alone with a depressed and sick father? is that too egotistical of me? the only thing holding me back from taking action right now is my child.

I say to myself that the sooner I leave him, the less serious the repercussions, the more I delay my decision to leave, the more serious the repercussions because he will become more attached to me and his consciousness will have evolved.

I need to confide in you and have your opinions, even if you decide to insult me and call me an unworthy father. Isn't suicide a deliberate and egocentric choice no matter what one says about it (it doesn't matter which people stay and who will suffer because of the one who left). am I an asshole father? I only think about myself?

But unconsciously and indirectly I think of him, I know that I will be incapable in my psychological state, and with my disease of charcot, to be able to carry out his education (it is normally a work which is done in two - mother and father). but not only am I not a father like the others with all that I am explaining to you, my physical and psychological illness.

I hate myself, I hate what I am and have been hypersensitive since way too young, what I'm made of and made out of is making me incompatible with this shitty society and shitty competitive world. he will miss me, but he will undoubtedly have a better future with a foster family and a child protection structure in place, I know writing all this is completely grotesque, but where could I write it apart here? and with whom to confide me other than you?

I am distraught because I know that in both options, either way, whether I stay or leave my son will suffer. he will suffer if I leave this hell, but he will also suffer if I stay because of my unease and my suicidal thoughts that I would only postpone.

 

[BeansOfRequirement]

Idk, put him up for adoption first and then see if you still want to die? I was more or less raised by strangers that were swapped around and I turned out fine.

 

[lostmyself]

Am I selfish if I leave my 3 year old son and decide to leave this awful world?

I take care of it alone, his mother lives 9000 kilometers away and has not seen her son for 2 years, during all this time I take care of him alone being suffering from charcot disease and being depressed (serious condition).

Am I selfish in giving my son a better future than being alone with a depressed and sick father? is that too egotistical of me? the only thing holding me back from taking action right now is my child.

I say to myself that the sooner I leave him, the less serious the repercussions, the more I delay my decision to leave, the more serious the repercussions because he will become more attached to me and his consciousness will have evolved.

I need to confide in you and have your opinions, even if you decide to insult me and call me an unworthy father. Isn't suicide a deliberate and egocentric choice no matter what one says about it (it doesn't matter which people stay and who will suffer because of the one who left). am I an asshole father? I only think about myself?

But unconsciously and indirectly I think of him, I know that I will be incapable in my psychological state, and with my disease of charcot, to be able to carry out his education (it is normally a work which is done in two - mother and father). but not only am I not a father like the others with all that I am explaining to you, my physical and psychological illness.

I hate myself, I hate what I am and have been hypersensitive since way too young, what I'm made of and made out of is making me incompatible with this shitty society and shitty competitive world. he will miss me, but he will undoubtedly have a better future with a foster family and a child protection structure in place, I know writing all this is completely grotesque, but where could I write it apart here? and with whom to confide me other than you?

I am distraught because I know that in both options, either way, whether I stay or leave my son will suffer. he will suffer if I leave this hell, but he will also suffer if I stay because of my unease and my suicidal thoughts that I would only

Do you have any close friends who would take him in? Any family members even those you aren't that close to? I think when they are young, they don't remember much, especially at that age, but as they get older they have more of the memories. Only you know your true mental and physical state and it sounds like you want what is best for you son.

 

[alown]

Do you have any close friends who would take him in? Any family members even those you aren't that close to? I think when they are young, they don't remember much, especially at that age, but as they get older they have more of the memories. Only you know your true mental and physical state and it sounds like you want what is best for you son.

I have no one from my family here. nor that of his mother who lives on the other side of the world. my situation is extremely critical.

 

[lostmyself]

I have no one from my family here. nor that of his mother who lives on the other side of the world. my situation is extremely critical.

And no close friends who would care for him at least even temporarily?

 

[alown]

And no close friends who would care for him at least even temporarily?

unfortunately no, my social situation is a disaster, I have no friends, no one can understand me in this situation.

 

[NeverGoodEnuff]

Who would take your son? Foster care? I have heard only negative things about that.

I was mourning the loss of seeing my grandson, for whom I was primary caregiver for the first two years of his life. I will probably never see him again and he probably won't remember me. The last time I saw him, I asked him, "Do you remember ....." He said, "No Gramma." I was devastated because I knew that was probably the last time I would see him. (He was 5 at that time.) Someone said to me, "He may not remember what you did, but he will remember how he felt."

This is a very difficult decision for you. My heart goes out to you both.

 

[TessB]

Am I selfish if I leave my 3 year old son and decide to leave this awful world?

I take care of it alone, his mother lives 9000 kilometers away and has not seen her son for 2 years, during all this time I take care of him alone being suffering from charcot disease and being depressed (serious condition).

Am I selfish in giving my son a better future than being alone with a depressed and sick father? is that too egotistical of me? the only thing holding me back from taking action right now is my child.

I say to myself that the sooner I leave him, the less serious the repercussions, the more I delay my decision to leave, the more serious the repercussions because he will become more attached to me and his consciousness will have evolved.

I need to confide in you and have your opinions, even if you decide to insult me and call me an unworthy father. Isn't suicide a deliberate and egocentric choice no matter what one says about it (it doesn't matter which people stay and who will suffer because of the one who left). am I an asshole father? I only think about myself?

But unconsciously and indirectly I think of him, I know that I will be incapable in my psychological state, and with my disease of charcot, to be able to carry out his education (it is normally a work which is done in two - mother and father). but not only am I not a father like the others with all that I am explaining to you, my physical and psychological illness.

I hate myself, I hate what I am and have been hypersensitive since way too young, what I'm made of and made out of is making me incompatible with this shitty society and shitty competitive world. he will miss me, but he will undoubtedly have a better future with a foster family and a child protection structure in place, I know writing all this is completely grotesque, but where could I write it apart here? and with whom to confide me other than you?

I am distraught because I know that in both options, either way, whether I stay or leave my son will suffer. he will suffer if I leave this hell, but he will also suffer if I stay because of my unease and my suicidal thoughts that I would only postpone.

In some ways.. if you're going to do it, then it's probably better when he's 3 as kids don't remember much from that age.. so he won't miss you as much as an older kid would.
Realistically he will end up in foster care and possibly adopted by people who may be lovely and give him an amazing life, or by people who aren't nice and he grows up miserable and mourning the loss of you.
I don't know where you're from and what social services/ foster care etc is like where you are.. but I feel what I've said is the reality and only you can make that choice.
I for one don't judge you at all for being a parent who wants to ctb. I'm a parent too and the fact is when you know in your heart that you will be doing your child a favour by not being round to ruin their life, there's no point anyone trying to convince you of anything else. Good luck with whatever you decide x

 

[Makko]

I turned out fine.

Hmm.

 

[Buffy5120]

unfortunately no, my social situation is a disaster, I have no friends, no one can understand me in this situation.

Is there any treatment or cures coming out soon for your situation that can help you hang on longer? If you die, wont his mom at least come to your funeral and he can go back and with her?

 

[Outofhope]

Not cowardly at all. Perhaps the child will understand when they're older. Or grow up with a loving family and not dwell on it too much.

 

[whywere]

1st off , my heart broke in pieces when I read your post. I send you all my love AND support that I have fellow Global Family Member. 2nd off, I agree with other global family members as far as either adoption or someone that you trust that will raise the child. Just throwing this out there but if one could makes a series of videos that would be nice. My hear and soul goes out to you. I truly wish I had the money and no covid, I would fly to you and help you. We ARE family. when one family member hurts we all do. Walter

 

[alown]

In some ways.. if you're going to do it, then it's probably better when he's 3 as kids don't remember much from that age.. so he won't miss you as much as an older kid would.
Realistically he will end up in foster care and possibly adopted by people who may be lovely and give him an amazing life, or by people who aren't nice and he grows up miserable and mourning the loss of you.
I don't know where you're from and what social services/ foster care etc is like where you are.. but I feel what I've said is the reality and only you can make that choice.
I for one don't judge you at all for being a parent who wants to ctb. I'm a parent too and the fact is when you know in your heart that you will be doing your child a favour by not being round to ruin their life, there's no point anyone trying to convince you of anything else. Good luck with whatever you decide x

thank you for these words which go straight to my heart, I have always suffered from my hypersensitivity, I want the best for my son, I will not be able to bring him the best with who I am and what I am able to transmit

Is there any treatment or cures coming out soon for your situation that can help you hang on longer? If you die, wont his mom at least come to your funeral and he can go back and with her?

there is no treatment for my incurable genetic disease (charcot disease). and no treatment either to make me accept by this horrible world and by the others, if not by you here who are all adorable and in writing. I don't think her mother will be able to come to my funeral knowing that she lives in a country in Asia and that I am in Europe and that to come she needs money and a visa, but I imagine that the authorities in my country will seek to take care of the son so that he returns to his mother, I hope that this is possible in this kind of circumstance rather than placing him in a foster family.

Not cowardly at all. Perhaps the child will understand when they're older. Or grow up with a loving family and not dwell on it too much.

what I fear is that if he is placed in foster care by the services for the protection of minors, it is that he is placed in a foster family of the wrong people.

1st off , my heart broke in pieces when I read your post. I send you all my love AND support that I have fellow Global Family Member. 2nd off, I agree with other global family members as far as either adoption or someone that you trust that will raise the child. Just throwing this out there but if one could makes a series of videos that would be nice. My hear and soul goes out to you. I truly wish I had the money and no covid, I would fly to you and help you. We ARE family. when one family member hurts we all do. Walter

thank you for your words and your unconditional love towards me and my son, thank you thank you a thousand times

 

[I'm scared]

My son in law hanged himself.His boys were 5,4 and 2.They don't remember him.They still don't know how he died.Fucked my daughters head for a while and I have never got over it( touch of envy he had the guts) I loved the man but he was on a dangerous path and it sounds really nasty of me but he saved his boys from some terrible heart ache Finding someone for your son to be his guardian would be a good idea.

 

[NeverGoodEnuff]

I had to look up carchot disease. It appears it is hereditary and there may be a good chance your child may be affected by it? If so, please leave details for whomever may raise your child.

 

[alown]

I had to look up carchot disease. It appears it is hereditary and there may be a good chance your child may be affected by it? If so, please leave details for whomever may raise your child.

luckily we have already checked with the doctors of genetics, and the disease gene is not active in my son's body. which is a miracle

 

[Into The Void]

It all depends on if the mother will take care of him after you leave. If the mother won't then I'd recommend not doing it. If the mother will take care of him then yes that might be OK. That is my 2 cents.

 

[Dead beat dad]

Brother from one dad to another I feel you.
I'm so sorry this is the hand that you've been dealt and none of the options have a great outcome, to paraphrase another reply this is heartbreaking.
Your question, is it selfish?
Personally I don't think so, but that's just me and I (and other here) will have a different perspective than say the people in your life that are impacted by what you might do - but if you've ctb then this becomes somewhat irrelevant.
My Grandpoppa killed himself, my mom has never forgiven him (and we were all adults at the time).
The lad is only 3, there is so much ahead of him that you will be unable to plan for.
Maybe when he grows up he will understand, that's down to you to manage that scenario as best you can, but you need to accept that if he wants to hate you or whatever, that is his choice... Sorry brother I'm waffling, my heart goes out man I wish I had something better for you.
Love and respect brother
DBD

 

[alown]

Brother from one dad to another I feel you.
I'm so sorry this is the hand that you've been dealt and none of the options have a great outcome, to paraphrase another reply this is heartbreaking.
Your question, is it selfish?
Personally I don't think so, but that's just me and I (and other here) will have a different perspective than say the people in your life that are impacted by what you might do - but if you've ctb then this becomes somewhat irrelevant.
My Grandpoppa killed himself, my mom has never forgiven him (and we were all adults at the time).
The lad is only 3, there is so much ahead of him that you will be unable to plan for.
Maybe when he grows up he will understand, that's down to you to manage that scenario as best you can, but you need to accept that if he wants to hate you or whatever, that is his choice... Sorry brother I'm waffling, my heart goes out man I wish I had something better for you.
Love and respect brother
DBD

thank you for your writing and your sincerity I can feel your authenticity through your sentences, and you have a big heart. it's heartbreaking for me, i love my son, but i don't love myself, i love my son more than anything, but i don't love life.

all these paradoxical contradictions drive me even more mad. I believe that a righteous divine law would include my act if I am unable to secure a good future for my son given the circumstances of my physical and psychological illness. I am a father in the midst of disaster, without a mother to help me raise my son, I am not religious weary but I still believe in something stronger up there in the sky or in the universe, and I think that this thing to understand my way of thinking.

 

[nooo2]

If the mother won't take him in, don't do it. I've only heard terrifying stories from people who were in the foster care system and as someone who's been around kids who have lost their mothers at a young age, it still carries with them even if they don't remember you. Every first they have their mind will constantly remind them, damn if only my dad/or mom could see this.

 

[virginiawoolf]

i'm sorry you're in such great pain that it leads you to consider this. i feel for you.

first of all - are you accessing all the state benefits for someone with your conditions and in your position? i hope that you are getting all the help you can.

people on this site cannot tell you that's the right thing to "ctb" - as we call it. it must be choice of your own. if you're interested in a short essay about it http://www.antipsychiatry.org/suicide.htm this one may be useful (suicide a civil right by lawrence stephens)

if ultimately you make that decision, you must prepare. i personally believe that you to sort out someone to look after your child before you leave this place. being in the foster care system is pretty terrible. and logistically, i'm assuming you don't want him to be with you when you ctb. can you get his mother over to the country where you are in europe? building a relationship with a neighbour might be wise too.

 

[GarageKarate07]

You could possibly take the time to write your child a small set of memoirs or instructions or reasons for your demise. Try to give some sort of closure as the child gets older. Of course this would mean finding someone trusting enough to see that the child reads this as they get older. Its not so easy. Suicide is not selfish. Is it selfish when a death occurs for no reason and death takes a good person? The reaper comes for all of us. Deciding to die is not a thing anyone should judge against.

 

[Leiden]

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I know it has to obviously be eating you alive trying to make this decision. That's a tough one because there is no way of knowing what kind of family he will be with or if he will even be adopted, he might end up in the foster care loop which is being passed from one foster care family to another. I don't know how they handle things there. I know that adoption takes time, but can you start the process and have a say in who will adopt him, if they find some families. I know time isn't on your side because you want him to be young enough that he is less scarred, but if you truly think you will CTB and want to make sure he is in a good home, then maybe you could start that process as soon as possible. Very important, if you do end up putting him for adoption, he won't wonder why now, but one day if he ever finds out he is adopted, he is going to want to know why. His soul will search for answers. I would write him a letter explaining everything with some pictures of you two so he doesn't have to wonder. I don't think the adoptive parents will mind. If he never asks or finds out then they don't have to give it to him, but if he does, he will have all the answers.

 

[PapaSuicide]

Yes!

 

[alown]

My son in law hanged himself.His boys were 5,4 and 2.They don't remember him.They still don't know how he died.Fucked my daughters head for a while and I have never got over it( touch of envy he had the guts) I loved the man but he was on a dangerous path and it sounds really nasty of me but he saved his boys from some terrible heart ache Finding someone for your son to be his guardian would be a good idea.

The problem being that I am in depression, and that in my psychological state I am unable to take steps to place my son in a foster family before leaving this world, or even to find a guardian. The second problem is that I do not have exclusive parental authority over my son and that to make this kind of decision I must have the mother's consent, unconsciously I tell myself that I prefer to leave the state in front of the fact accomplished.

It all depends on if the mother will take care of him after you leave. If the mother won't then I'd recommend not doing it. If the mother will take care of him then yes that might be OK. That is my 2 cents.

I understand your vision and I would have hoped to have the same if there were not the problems of visa and different country, but especially the distance which separates Asia and Europe his mother living in Asia.

If the mother won't take him in, don't do it. I've only heard terrifying stories from people who were in the foster care system and as someone who's been around kids who have lost their mothers at a young age, it still carries with them even if they don't remember you. Every first they have their mind will constantly remind them, damn if only my dad/or mom could see this.

with my hereditary and genetic disease which is incurable, and my state of very serious depression, I especially think that no bright future can be profiled for my son if he stays with me, it would undoubtedly be more dangerous for him to stay with a depressed father unable to face life, more than being placed in a foster family. luckily here in the country where I live, the social systems ensure that the children are placed in very respectful and loving families. everything is controlled with a very particular follow-up by the social services and the protection of minors so that the child is well treated and well educated.

i'm sorry you're in such great pain that it leads you to consider this. i feel for you.

first of all - are you accessing all the state benefits for someone with your conditions and in your position? i hope that you are getting all the help you can.

people on this site cannot tell you that's the right thing to "ctb" - as we call it. it must be choice of your own. if you're interested in a short essay about it http://www.antipsychiatry.org/suicide.htm this one may be useful (suicide a civil right by lawrence stephens)

if ultimately you make that decision, you must prepare. i personally believe that you to sort out someone to look after your child before you leave this place. being in the foster care system is pretty terrible. and logistically, i'm assuming you don't want him to be with you when you ctb. can you get his mother over to the country where you are in europe? building a relationship with a neighbour might be wise too.

I obviously thought not to take action if my son is with me, luckily I have a babysitter who can take care of him, I thought to plan a whole day when the day comes by leaving him at her place and let myself go with the SN or N method if I manage to order this one

You could possibly take the time to write your child a small set of memoirs or instructions or reasons for your demise. Try to give some sort of closure as the child gets older. Of course this would mean finding someone trusting enough to see that the child reads this as they get older. Its not so easy. Suicide is not selfish. Is it selfish when a death occurs for no reason and death takes a good person? The reaper comes for all of us. Deciding to die is not a thing anyone should judge against.

I think that death which occurs without reason is not premeditated so we cannot speak of selfishness, but in my specific case it is my suffering vis-à-vis my depressive state and my genetic disease which does not can not ensure a good future for my son and a good education for him, everything is relative. I don't know if it would be a good idea to prepare a letter for him with memories, but I understand what you mean, I think rather letting things be done instinctively, and giving him time to make up his own mind

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I know it has to obviously be eating you alive trying to make this decision. That's a tough one because there is no way of knowing what kind of family he will be with or if he will even be adopted, he might end up in the foster care loop which is being passed from one foster care family to another. I don't know how they handle things there. I know that adoption takes time, but can you start the process and have a say in who will adopt him, if they find some families. I know time isn't on your side because you want him to be young enough that he is less scarred, but if you truly think you will CTB and want to make sure he is in a good home, then maybe you could start that process as soon as possible. Very important, if you do end up putting him for adoption, he won't wonder why now, but one day if he ever finds out he is adopted, he is going to want to know why. His soul will search for answers. I would write him a letter explaining everything with some pictures of you two so he doesn't have to wonder. I don't think the adoptive parents will mind. If he never asks or finds out then they don't have to give it to him, but if he does, he will have all the answers.

thank you for your text, unfortunately as I described above I cannot do anything without the consent of his mother who lives in another country since parental authority is shared, if I had exclusive parental authority (which is very difficult to get from a judge and you need valid reasons) I could have done this before even thinking of leaving this world

 

[My_name_is_Luka]

there is no treatment for my incurable genetic disease (charcot disease).

I don't want to give false hopes here; but have you had a look at the progress on gene editing?
In the latest years they have been applied successfully in trials for certain genetic diseases.
Being the charcot disease so common, there must be researchers that are working on that.
I've never informed myself about it, so I do not know how far it is from reaching clinical trials.

 

[Worndown]

If you let the babysitter handle your son for a while, leave her some funds after you are gone. Good luck with this.

 

[alown]

I don't want to give false hopes here; but have you had a look at the progress on gene editing?
In the latest years they have been applied successfully in trials for certain genetic diseases.
Being the charcot disease so common, there must be researchers that are working on that.
I've never informed myself about it, so I do not know how far it is from reaching clinical trials.

it's nice of you to think about it and submit this possibility to me, more specifically I have charcot CMT type b2 disease, which is incurable and there is no research. I am followed by specialists here in my city and they would have already informed me if treatments were possible. In addition, since the age of 16 I have ulcers under the lower limbs with contact with the dedant bone, I have passed 33 years, and these ulcerations have not closed since I was 16, it is very painful and unbearable for me on a daily basis.

If you let the babysitter handle your son for a while, leave her some funds after you are gone. Good luck with this.

of course I will, it's obvious, but I do not think of informing my babysitter that I will kill myself that same day if not I imagine that I will have no possibility of taking my son away from me during my last act.

 

[My_name_is_Luka]

I've only found something about CMT2A, 2E and 2F..
I'm also in a condition for which I'm waiting for better therapies to reach the market and I'm waiting for the gene editing therapy for this disease to enter clinical trials. I'm waiting a little longer, to see how I can tolerate the pain and if I will be given better chances.
So that's why I was mentioning it.
But my condition is nothing compared to your ulcerations that never heal. Mine come and go.

 

[alown]

I've only found something about CMT2A, 2E and 2F..
I'm also in a condition for which I'm waiting for better therapies to reach the market and I'm waiting for the gene editing therapy for this disease to enter clinical trials. I'm waiting a little longer, to see how I can tolerate the pain and if I will be given better chances.
So that's why I was mentioning it.
But my condition is nothing compared to your ulcerations that never heal. Mine come and go.

Charcot-Marie-Tooth disease type 2B - About the Disease - Genetic and Rare Diseases Information Center

Find symptoms and other information about Charcot-Marie-Tooth disease type 2B.

rarediseases.info.nih.gov