coming up to a year since i was raped

[justfloating]

i'll just preface this my saying the rape didn't cause me to feel suicidal i was feeling this way long before it, its just a thing that triggers me back into being in that state.

even now it still feels wrong to use the word rape because it still feels like something i let happen rather than something forced on me, even though i said no. i think about it a fair bit, i wouldn't say it traumatised me it just made me have a strange relationship with sex. this guy took my virginity and now whenever i have sex with people and they do something i don't like i get so confused how they just stop when i say no and move on. its just another one of those things that just make me so numb. the guy who raped me actually messaged me not long ago asking to have sex again which is just so shocking i have no words.

ive met a lot of new people this year and i think they can see how detached i can be from situations but they don't deep it and i don't want them to. ive never really spoken to anyone about what happened last year because i don't want people to see that side of me. i did the whole therapy thing before it happened and its just not my vibe.

im able to pretend everything's okay for long periods of time but it just takes one thing to happen to set the reset button, back to just feeling empty and wanting to not exist anymore. its so tiring pretending to be okay and to have gotten better after my attempts, but im just in a more mellow state rather than actively suicidal.

i don't really know what my point is but i don't have anywhere else to vent

 

[paininme]

My heart hurts that you went through that I'm so sorry

 

[Pluto]

So sorry you have had to experience this horrible side of humanity. I wish we lived in a world where this never happened to anybody, ever.

 

[justfloating]

So sorry you have had to experience this horrible side of humanity. I wish we lived in a world where this never happened to anybody, ever.

thank you, todays just one of those days where everything goes wrong and it brings everything back up

 

[archipelago]

I'm so sorry you had to go through this. I just want you to know that you don't need to feel wrong about using the word rape if it's how it feels to you. I hate that I'm saying this from experience, but we absolutely have another response to dangerous or uncomfortable situations beyond flight or fight - freeze. I've seen this getting more traction and it's understandable that in situations where you don't know what else can go wrong, that you freeze. This isn't the same thing as letting it happen to you, and by no means did you deserve this. He should have stopped when you said no.

 

[crush]

I'm so sorry that happened. Nobody deserves that. You're so strong never forget that. Sending hugs and love

 

[ryaan]

i'm really sorry you went through that, i can empathize as someone who also had his consent violated. it's not something you let happen, it wasn't your fault.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry you went through this, of course it is not your fault in any way. people really are cruel. I wish you well.

 

[LONE WOLF.]

@justfloating, l Apologize on behalf of my fellow man 'if you can call the piece of Shit who committed that disgusting act upon you a man' Because No self respecting man would behave that way towards a Woman! Whoever it was should be Castrated and locked away for the rest of it's worthless life! I hope and pray that you can get over the horror someday! in the meantime my Doggy Max sends you friendly Woof's and Tail Wags!

 

[arie]

Just awful, why is this such a common thing too? These types of things often go unnoticed/unpunished ... Hope there will be happy days for you in the future :)