Discussion Coming to terms with the knowledge that you are hurting those left behind

[bcl001]

If you are fortunate enough to have those that care about you, how do you reconcile with the knowledge that you are hurting them by leaving this world.

This is something I'm having trouble coming to grips with. When I contemplate my CTB, I do not mourn for myself, but for those I will leave behind who have to pick up the pieces. To me, my life means nothing, but to others, I know this isn't the case.

In one sense I recognize that it's selfish to willingly inflict harm on those around me, in the other sense I can't keep living my life for the sake of others.

I try to convince myself that we're all just monkeys who got to smart for our own good. Our existence has no meaning, at the end of the day we all die and I'm just accelerating that for one smart monkey out of 8 billion others. People die everyday. Also that by dying my wealth could be used to help countless others in need who actually desire to be in this world.

Sometimes this cuts through the guilt, sometimes it doesn't. How do others think about this?

 

[Darkover]

If you are fortunate enough to have those that care about you, how do you reconcile with the knowledge that you are hurting them by leaving this world.

the pain that my family would feel when i ctb is nothing compared to everything I've been through in my lifetime
after everything they've put me through i don't care how they would feel

 

[Smelly_ballz]

If you care abt others, it will probably be something you will never fully get over. It will always be there. During my attempts, I told myself that I just need to be selfish and get it over with. You have to push yourself hard to do it bc no matter what, it will hurt them.
I think it is a lose-lose situation. It is selfish to die and it is selfish for them to keep you alive. When my fiancé asks if they are being selfish for trying to make me stay, I tell them it is just as selfish for me to ctb.
I can become so enveloped in the pain that nothing else matters but death. That is what I did to forget about what will happen to others when I die. I wish death wasn't so damn taboo because maybe then it wouldn't be so hard on others to accept a dead loved one.

 

[coinflip]

I've been seeing a therapist for a while, and for a brief while I also used an app to track my feelings. Both the therapist and the app made a point to me that all feelings, good and bad, are temporary. Pain is temporary. Some people on this site may disagree, and maybe for them they're correct. But I think for myself and many others, it is temporary. It will come and go like the tide. Unfortunately for me that doesn't help. The pain I feel right now fucking sucks, but it's not the reason I'm planning to CTB.

If and when my time comes, my family and friends will feel pain too. But it will be temporary. I'd rather be stuck with a compelling reason to live and deal with that pain, rather than my current situation, but I'm accepting that I no longer have one. The people in my life that I care about have other reasons to keep going, so as much as it may hurt them initially, they'll survive.

And hell, even if they don't, I have the choice to live or not, and I want to have that choice. If they want that choice too, so be it.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I can't justify to myself leaving my Dad. I think it would devastate him, so I'm waiting for him to go first. Practically speaking, I've tried to keep most other people distant and, I haven't formed any new friendships for years. I literally haven't seen most of these people for 5, 10, some 20+ years.

It still isn't a nice thought that it could really upset people. It shouldn't be a total shock though. Friends especially know my ideation began in childhood. I'm just really hoping they will bear in mind that I hung on for 34 years.

I want to leave notes for the major people in my life and I'm going to try and ask them the odd request to try to be happy for me. That life simply isn't for everyone and that it was something I wanted for a long time. That I really valued their friendship but ultimately- you can't live your life solely for the sake of others indefinitely. I just hope that by describing my situation, they will be more willing to see it from my point of view. Also- to alleviate any guilt that there's things they could have done to stop me.