Comfort in thoughts of suicide/death

[writer23]

Hey everyone, I'm rather new here and this is my first time posting anything. Wasn't sure about doing it but here goes I guess.

Do any of you find comfort in thinking about death or suicide? Not necessarily in thinking about it concretely with a clearly planned date or method and all, but just the thought of vaguely dying gives you a sense of relief.

It's become some sort of coping mechanism for me. Everytime it feels like I'm falling down a rabbit hole of bad thoughts, or after something bad happens, my mind just automatically goes there and I can almost instantly feel a little better. I'd play scenarios my head on a thousand ways to die, look around the room and see what I could use to do it, and this makes me feel better.

It's just funny because as I really can't tell when this started. Since I was 15 (almost 23 now) I feel like my life has just been a cycle of ups and very bad downs, and it feels like there's no escaping it. Somewhere along the line my brain just developed this way of coping with negative feelings, no matter how minor. It could be really annoying because something like a stupid "harmless" fight with my partner about the most trivial things could trigger it.

This has probably already been discussed before, but I couldn't find any threads about it through the search feature. So I'm sorry if it's a repeated subject. But yeah, I'd be interested to hear others' experience on this.

 

[feelinggloomy]

I find comfort every day that I will CTB soon. That's how I get through the day. Knowing that I will be able to end my suffering at some point.

 

[writer23]

p.s. so sorry this has nothing to do with the post but i remember seeing a thread detailing what acronyms stand for here but i can't seem to find it anymore. i'd really appreciate if anyone could give me the link (if i didn't imagine the existence of said thread ahah). i'm feeling a bit lost still with all the letters ahah. thank you :,)

 

[Mebius]

p.s. so sorry this has nothing to do with the post but i remember seeing a thread detailing what acronyms stand for here but i can't seem to find it anymore. i'd really appreciate if anyone could give me the link (if i didn't imagine the existence of said thread ahah). i'm feeling a bit lost still with all the letters ahah. thank you :,)

Acronyms on here (for new users)

This is for new users on here. N stands for Nembutal. It's used in physician assisted suicide and to euthanize animals. You can find more information about it in the peaceful pill handbook. We aren't allowed to give personal information on people who have resources, so you'll have to also...

sanctioned-suicide.net

This one?

 

[writer23]

I find comfort every day that I will CTB soon. That's how I get through the day. Knowing that I will be able to end my suffering at some point

Acronyms on here (for new users)

This is for new users on here. N stands for Nembutal. It's used in physician assisted suicide and to euthanize animals. You can find more information about it in the peaceful pill handbook. We aren't allowed to give personal information on people who have resources, so you'll have to also...

sanctioned-suicide.net

This one?

omg yes. thank you.

 

[J&L383]

Hey everyone, I'm rather new here and this is my first time posting anything. Wasn't sure about doing it but here goes I guess.

Do any of you find comfort in thinking about death or suicide? Not necessarily in thinking about it concretely with a clearly planned date or method and all, but just the thought of vaguely dying gives you a sense of relief.

It's become some sort of coping mechanism for me. Everytime it feels like I'm falling down a rabbit hole of bad thoughts, or after something bad happens, my mind just automatically goes there and I can almost instantly feel a little better. I'd play scenarios my head on a thousand ways to die, look around the room and see what I could use to do it, and this makes me feel better.

It's just funny because as I really can't tell when this started. Since I was 15 (almost 23 now) I feel like my life has just been a cycle of ups and very bad downs, and it feels like there's no escaping it. Somewhere along the line my brain just developed this way of coping with negative feelings, no matter how minor. It could be really annoying because something like a stupid "harmless" fight with my partner about the most trivial things could trigger it.

This has probably already been discussed before, but I couldn't find any threads about it through the search feature. So I'm sorry if it's a repeated subject. But yeah, I'd be interested to hear others' experience on this.

Yes, me too, though it didn't start so young. I'm sorry it's "hit" you this early. Seems to be a sign of the times though so I get it. .

There will be an end, sooner or later, one way or another. That I am sure of.

 

[SickNSad2024]

I find comfort in it too. Telling myself I will die soon makes me feel more emboldened and free. I am usually timid but today I stood up to my boss for the 1st time and she did not like it. She said I was full of BS and sick and tired of me wasting her time. Even though she told me I should be talking to her everyday to check on my "status". I told her from my point of view, favoritism was going on, because she approved this other guy's leave but didn't approve mine. She said it wasn't favoritism but wouldn't explain why she kicked my leave back. She said she was sick and tired of talking to me about this a million times. I told her we've only ever talked about it the one time- you're the one who approached me about it saying she was kicking it back. And I emailed her about how I noticed she approved that other guy's leave 3 times and whether or not she was treating me as an equal. She never responded. So how is that a million times? And I Never approached her about it until now. She said she didn't bother emailing me back because she's got better things to do. She said she was sick and tired of my tears and crying about every little thing. I wasn't even crying. I have told her I have high anxiety, depression, and stress...which leads to the high emotions. She said go ahead and file a grievance complaint against her, she doesn't care.

My issues are not as important as other people's. I'm just not important. The worse thing is she doesn't want to deal with my perception of her favoriting someone else even though it's clear in black and white. Yet she is denying it. The thing is someone else complained about their perception that I was favoriting someone even though I haven't done anything wrong and there is no proof. So why did they entertain this other person's perception of favoritism against me??? Is it because that person's perception is more important than mine??? And they are punishing me by making me conduct training on the perception of favoritism and why it is wrong in the workplace. I have major anxiety over this as I can't talk in front of a group of people.

I am going to CTB next week. I don't have a plan yet. I just can't talk in front of a bunch of people who are already against me and making countless complaints on things I haven't even done wrong.

 

[Eudaimonic]

It's the only thing that brings me real comfort nowadays

 

[feelinggloomy]

Me too. It's the only comfort I have

 

[Forever Sleep]

Yes, definitely. The thought that there was a way out if things became too much has been comforting for decades now. Still, the thought of actually going through the process isn't comforting at all. I just find that frightening. So basically- passive ideation is nice, active ideation isn't.

 

[whycantthiswork]

One of the comforts I have aswell, though it started at a young age, 11 to be exact..

 

[Kavka]

Thanks for creating this thread and asking this question! I've been wondering about the same thing.

The thought of suicide and death has also been a way to bring calm and comfort during (challenging periods in) my life. I do think it's a bit of a nefarious coping mechanism though that's in a way similar to Kava's toxin puzzle. Can you really have the intention and feel like suicide is a real option (and thus feel comfort) if you deep down know that you don't really want or even can (i.e. survival instinct or lack of means) do it?

It's like how the deterrence effects of nuclear weapons are only effective if your enemy is really convinced that you actually have these weapons and that you are absolutely willing to use them.

For me, this is probably one of the reasons why a vague notion of "I can always CTB" lost its effectiveness over the years. I needed a plan, the means and the right mindset (acceptance and willingness) to really make it feel like a real option.

Everyone's different and YMMV, but if you all things considered want to live, then it might be worth a try to explore other coping mechanisms as well. Although you're probably doing this already.

When it comes to nuclear weapons (as an analogy to CTB), it's probably safer to start a war with the USA than with, say, North Korea because the USA has tons of other coping mechanisms (i.e. conventional weapons) they can rely on first. Although this might not be the best anology ever since it only works this way if the leaders of a country act in a somewhat rational way which is not really a given.

 

[FuneralCry]

Yes, for me death truly is the only comfort, I find comfort in death as I believe it to be nothing more than an dreamless, eternal sleep where all is finally forgotten about, all I wish for is the peace that only eternal non-existence can bring and I'd always prefer to not exist no matter what.

I'm tired of suffering in this undesirable existence I never would have chose in the first place, all I wish for is permanent non-existence as after all it's the eternal absence of all suffering and harm and I don't want to suffer in any way, rather all I wish for is to be unconscious for all eternity.

I'd always prefer to painlessly not exist than to suffer for decades just to be tormented by old age dying slowly and painfully, for me death truly is the only peace and relief, under no circumstances would I ever wish to be burdened with the ability to exist.

 

[writer23]

I find comfort in it too. Telling myself I will die soon makes me feel more emboldened and free. I am usually timid but today I stood up to my boss for the 1st time and she did not like it. She said I was full of BS and sick and tired of me wasting her time. Even though she told me I should be talking to her everyday to check on my "status". I told her from my point of view, favoritism was going on, because she approved this other guy's leave but didn't approve mine. She said it wasn't favoritism but wouldn't explain why she kicked my leave back. She said she was sick and tired of talking to me about this a million times. I told her we've only ever talked about it the one time- you're the one who approached me about it saying she was kicking it back. And I emailed her about how I noticed she approved that other guy's leave 3 times and whether or not she was treating me as an equal. She never responded. So how is that a million times? And I Never approached her about it until now. She said she didn't bother emailing me back because she's got better things to do. She said she was sick and tired of my tears and crying about every little thing. I wasn't even crying. I have told her I have high anxiety, depression, and stress...which leads to the high emotions. She said go ahead and file a grievance complaint against her, she doesn't care.

My issues are not as important as other people's. I'm just not important. The worse thing is she doesn't want to deal with my perception of her favoriting someone else even though it's clear in black and white. Yet she is denying it. The thing is someone else complained about their perception that I was favoriting someone even though I haven't done anything wrong and there is no proof. So why did they entertain this other person's perception of favoritism against me??? Is it because that person's perception is more important than mine??? And they are punishing me by making me conduct training on the perception of favoritism and why it is wrong in the workplace. I have major anxiety over this as I can't talk in front of a group of people.

I am going to CTB next week. I don't have a plan yet. I just can't talk in front of a bunch of people who are already against me and making countless complaints on things I haven't even done wrong.

Damn. I'm sorry your boss is giving you hell at work, you don't deserve any of it. But hey, congrats for standing up to her :)

I hope you find peace.

 

[feelinggloomy]

Absolutely I find comfort in knowing that this pain will end at some point perhaps sooner rather than later. It's a big coping mechanism for me and it was for my son who ultimately CTB. I uses it every sometimes all day.

 

[writer23]

Thanks for creating this thread and asking this question! I've been wondering about the same thing.

The thought of suicide and death has also been a way to bring calm and comfort during (challenging periods in) my life. I do think it's a bit of a nefarious coping mechanism though that's in a way similar to Kava's toxin puzzle. Can you really have the intention and feel like suicide is a real option (and thus feel comfort) if you deep down know that you don't really want or even can (i.e. survival instinct or lack of means) do it?

It's like how the deterrence effects of nuclear weapons are only effective if your enemy is really convinced that you actually have these weapons and that you are absolutely willing to use them.

For me, this is probably one of the reasons why a vague notion of "I can always CTB" lost its effectiveness over the years. I needed a plan, the means and the right mindset (acceptance and willingness) to really make it feel like a real option.

Everyone's different and YMMV, but if you all things considered want to live, then it might be worth a try to explore other coping mechanisms as well. Although you're probably doing this already.

When it comes to nuclear weapons (as an analogy to CTB), it's probably safer to start a war with the USA than with, say, North Korea because the USA has tons of other coping mechanisms (i.e. conventional weapons) they can rely on first. Although this might not be the best anology ever since it only works this way if the leaders of a country act in a somewhat rational way which is not really a given.

Thank you for sharing your experience.

I get that over time this coping mechanism would lose its effectiveness for some. Though I feel like it was more of the opposite for me. Back then I was just coming up with plans (very bad ones) and this more or less "concrete" planning was what me feel better. It's like, I somehow distracted myself from actually acting on suicidal thoughts by diving into the tiny details on how I was gonna do it. Paradoxical as it is. Now I don't go into this detailed planning anymore and just kinda vaguely think about death in general.

As you said, it'd be different for everyone.

I'm a little lost with this metaphor with USA and North Korea :,) Could you explain what you mean?

Yes, me too, though it didn't start so young. I'm sorry it's "hit" you this early. Seems to be a sign of the times though so I get it. .

There will be an end, sooner or later, one way or another. That I am sure of.

Thank you for your reply, and no need to be sorry :) I wish you well.

 

[Onelegman]

There are many of us who feel relief when thinking about CTB. Knowing that in 2 weeks I will take SN gives me a comforting feeling, I don't feel scared like in my previous 3 attempts, I suppose because the risk of failure is quite lower, or so I want to think.

I find it curious that I don't feel afraid, choosing an exact day and time should keep me awake, but the more I think about it, the more I look forward to it. Every day I think, tomorrow is the day, to get my mind right, but I don't feel anything. I hope to control the SI and drink in one gulp.

I am going to CTB next week. I don't have a plan yet. I just can't talk in front of a bunch of people who are already against me and making countless complaints on things I haven't even done wrong.

One week and you have no plan? how is that?

 

[zjay-0v3rit!]

Yes, this world is very uncomfortable. Not the kind where you "grow thru it" fuck that shit. CTB is my only comfort and i cant wait for it.

 

[abchia]

Yes, nothing comforts me as much as thinking I can be gone at any time. I think it makes me realize that in the end nothing means anything anymore, so I can stop overthinking.

 

[anxiousguineapig]

Yes, nothing comforts me as much as thinking I can be gone at any time. I think it makes me realize that in the end nothing means anything anymore, so I can stop overthinking.

this is my strategy. I have SN, I have knowledge of/access to other methods, and right now that's enough. By knowing I can kill myself at any time, I have total freedom to live and enjoy my life knowing I can pull the plug when (if) I want to. Getting SN was honestly the biggest step in recovering for me.