Story College suicide ideation

[solanastan16]

Hi I'm fairly new here and this is my first post so please bear with me. Ever since the age of 7 years I've wanted to ctb. Reasons like abusive parents, having no irl friends, and being mediocre at best in school have been at the center of my decision. I haven't been clinically diagnosed with a specific mental illness but I for awhile I was seeing a therapist and was prescribed quetiapine and escitalopram. Still, the thoughts prevail. Having nothing to live for or look forward to. I'm now 20 and a failing premed student on my second year. That being said I have some idea of the repercussions of the methods listed. Despite knowing the small chance of success, I'm in the process of getting ae and have purchased sn. That somehow gives me hope: having the means to ctb, is that weird? Like knowing that I have even just a chance to get out of my head, even if it's just a small chance. I want 2021 to be my last year. Whatever it takes.

 

[WornOutLife]

Not weird at all.

Having a method and the materials we need to ctb, brings us peace.

For instance, in spite of being trying to live, I would love to have some sn with me.

Anyway, gratz on your first post!

Feel free to talk to us about whatever you want. We'll do nothing but try to help!

Hugs and love,

Matt

 

[siray]

College is despicable if you're depressed and suicidal, I made the mistake of enrolling into media sciences in a private university, couldn't get past the 2nd semester, I dropped out and my parents made me feel miserable for it.

It's impossible to focus on studies when you're suffering painfully with depression. I now pretend to attend classes in a government university just to buy myself some time to CTB, otherwise my parents wouldn't let me live in their house peacefully.

 

[solanastan16]

College is despicable if you're depressed and suicidal, I made the mistake of enrolling into media sciences in a private university, couldn't get past the 2nd semester, I dropped out and my parents made me feel miserable for it.

It's impossible to focus on studies when you're suffering painfully with depression. I now pretend to attend classes in a government university just to buy myself some time to CTB, otherwise my parents wouldn't let me live in their house peacefully.

I really understand what you're going through. I can't get myself to study the material anymore. I just hope everything works out as planned.

 

[Neowise]

Hey, welcome on SS! Sorry to hear you are going through this and hope you have an enjoyable time in this community.

I wished I could say something encouraging, but I can't even encourage myself - and I am in a similar situation like you.
Abusive parents and being mediocre at best are also my main reasons to ctb. Not gonna lie, I was close to doing it every time I was close to failing university, but then I magically passed the exams and never went through with it.

Suicide should always be the very last option, so I do wish for you to find a different solution improving your life. 20 years is still young, there is a chance. I understand that you may simply be fed up with life though.

 

[siray]

I really understand what you're going through. I can't get myself to study the material anymore. I just hope everything works out as planned.

You'll know when exhaustion takes over you, then CTB will seem most preferable. Until then, if you can, expend all your energy trying to figure out a solution to your depression.

Death tastes best when it comes naturally as a result of mental despondence, but if in your heart you feel the slightest bit chance of making your living bearable for yourself, it's worth suffering just a little bit more until exhaustion sets in.

 

[Some1's_Wasted_Fetus]

Hi I'm fairly new here and this is my first post so please bear with me. Ever since the age of 7 years I've wanted to ctb. Reasons like abusive parents, having no irl friends, and being mediocre at best in school have been at the center of my decision. I haven't been clinically diagnosed with a specific mental illness but I for awhile I was seeing a therapist and was prescribed quetiapine and escitalopram. Still, the thoughts prevail. Having nothing to live for or look forward to. I'm now 20 and a failing premed student on my second year. That being said I have some idea of the repercussions of the methods listed. Despite knowing the small chance of success, I'm in the process of getting ae and have purchased sn. That somehow gives me hope: having the means to ctb, is that weird? Like knowing that I have even just a chance to get out of my head, even if it's just a small chance. I want 2021 to be my last year. Whatever it takes.

I'm sorry you're having to go through all of this right now. You remind me of myself 2 years ago. I was also in premed and just barely passing just the basic prereqs. I was failing an upper level Chem and couldn't take the pressure anymore. Now I'm about to graduate in a few weeks (I dropped premed but still majored in Bio). I understand completely it's not easy at all and many premed students I knew/know were losing sleep and hair because of the chronic stress. Being depressed and anxious makes it almost impossible to focus. Have you thought about dropping premed and just focusing on a STEM major? It definitely took a lot of pressure off me. My parents were disappointed but I didn't care, they weren't the ones studying for 15 hours a day and failing. I was also thinking about ctb'ing back then but I wasn't serious about it at the time so I figured I'd wait to see if life gets better in the future.

 

[solanastan16]

I'm sorry you're having to go through all of this right now. You remind me of myself 2 years ago. I was also in premed and just barely passing just the basic prereqs. I was failing an upper level Chem and couldn't take the pressure anymore. Now I'm about to graduate in a few weeks (I dropped premed but still majored in Bio). I understand completely it's not easy at all and many premed students I knew/know were losing sleep and hair because of the chronic stress. Being depressed and anxious makes it almost impossible to focus. Have you thought about dropping premed and just focusing on a STEM major? It definitely took a lot of pressure off me. My parents were disappointed but I didn't care, they weren't the ones studying for 15 hours a day and failing. I was also thinking about ctb'ing back then but I wasn't serious about it at the time so I figured I'd wait to see if life gets better in the future.

Will you be pursuing med school? How did you tell your parents if you don't mind me asking.

I don't even know what to major in it was literally drilled into my head that I need to become a doctor. It's also extra pressure to exceed expectations in another major cause this time it will be wholly my decision.

 

[Some1's_Wasted_Fetus]

Will you be pursuing med school? How did you tell your parents if you don't mind me asking.

I don't even know what to major in it was literally drilled into my head that I need to become a doctor. It's also extra pressure to exceed expectations in another major cause this time it will be wholly my decision.

No. I ended up dropping the premed track but keeping a Biology major. I just couldn't see myself majoring in Communications, Business, or anything unrelated to science. I actually ended up prolonging it for so long because they were placing so much pressure on me. They asked me when I was planning on applying to med schools/if I was planning on looking at other options and I stood my ground and flat out told them no. I told them I had no interest in completing the premed track, I'm burned out, and I couldn't possibly see myself being happy pursuing a career in healthcare that requires premed because apparently the stress and workload gets substantially harder after college. I told them if I couldn't even pass the basic fundamental courses I would practically be making C's and D's in all the upper levels and wouldn't be able to get into med school anyway. Of course they were disappointed but I'm so depressed, tired, and void of life that I don't give a shit about anything anymore. They said they expected better from me and I shrugged my shoulders and asked them if they'd like to switch places with me and study for hours into the night everyday until their mental sanity is gone.

As of now, I'm looking to work immediately after graduation. Entry level lab tech/lab focused positions, Scientist assistant/Scientist 1 positions, or an entry level public health job. I have no plans on going back to school either because I can't stand school and it's one of my reasons for becoming suicidal lol. Oh, once I had gone to school I had already known I wanted to major in biology and declared before my freshman year so it made it a little easier for me. I'd say realistically, if you are seriously considering dropping it, look for majors that actually lead to decent job opportunities after school and avoid the art and literature ones (unless you're passionate about the subject/plan to teach it). I always knew I wanted STEM but don't have the time/patience for Computer science, math, or physics. I absolutely hate chemistry. Biology is difficult but it's a reasonable amount of work and studying and there's a lot of overlap too so that's why i chose it. And I'm genuinely interested in it. (Plus if I don't get a master's there's many different routes I could go without having to teach it because I can't stand kids). Hope this helps :)

 

[FuneralCry]

I wish you the best whatever option you take. This life certainly can be terrible and can put us through so much. Studying can be a burden. At least you have a way out just in case, if I had some SN I would feel more relaxed. Death comforts me, knowing it is possible that if we are desperate, we can escape.