Venting Codependent & suicidal

[Suicidefantasy]

I am codependent. And I have BPD (borderline personality disorder), anxiety, depression, ADHD. It's like I just have a cocktail of disorders with nothing to fix it.

I fuxkinf ruin everything. I want to commit but I'm too pussy...I've felt like this since I was 8 years old. I'm 18 now. I remember in the 2nd grade I tried to self harm in the middle of class. My classmates never let me live it down, from then on I was labeled a freak

my boyfriend and I broke up and he keeps leading me on knowing that I still want to be with him :(

My family is abusive.

I was homeschooled for high school and graduated 2 years ago by cheating on the test.I feel like I'm just deadweight because I don't do anything all day except lay in bed for the past 2 years.

I want to die so badly. I hurt everyone in my life. I am such a burden. .. why can't anyone love me? I just want somebody to love and be loved back :( that's all I want....
I say why doesn't anybody love me but I am emotionally abusive :( I fucking hate myself for destroying my relationships especially the one with my bf. Idk how to fix it or -anything. It seems like it would be easier to just off myself. Sorry just ranting here I don't have anybody to share this with :/

 

[AnotherBrick]

Oh hon, I'm so sorry. You never asked for any of that. Obviously I can't 100% judge your character, but I like to think you're a good person doing your best. Codependency is a real bitch (I have the same tendencies). But your history of mental illness and abuse lead me to believe it's not all your fault. Actually, that's pretty unlikely because you can't be held accountable for others' actions. Also, everyone makes mistakes. Unfortunately, the fact that we make mistakes or naive choices doesn't absolve us from dealing with the consequences.

Sorry if this is written all wonkey, I'm actually at the gym rn so I might be all over the place. But I'm wishing you strength and peace.

 

[GravityUtilizer]

My thing is booze addiction. I haven't had a gf in 9 years. But I guess it's all relative, pain.

 

[lion2000]

You sound like a fighter and like you're super smart. You've come this far despite challenges and congrats, you're 18! You can live the life you want. I went through something similar growing up (minus BPD), but as soon as I could leave the house I did and haven't looked back. I've distanced myself from family and found friends that have become more like family to me than my own family. Therapy (and a mix of meds from my psychiatrist) has also helped me work through some of the lasting impact/trauma from the past. It's actually quite interesting to approach your own life like a scientist and dissect pieces of it, while connecting things and having aha moments. (Ok I'm sounding nerdy now!) ...but a lot of the abuse, codependency, unhealthy relationships, mental challenges for me ended up being connected or part of a ripple effect (thanks for helping me understand, therapy!).

Anyway, I stopped going to therapy but recently started going again....I haven't been in a serious relationship for 9 years and getting to the bottom of why — understanding how my childhood challenges impacted that has been really helpful. 2021 will be my year! Have you tried working with a psychiatrist and therapist? (Also, sometimes it takes time to find a good match with doctors. It took me a year or two to find the right meds to help somewhat stabilize the emotional rollercoaster I felt like I was on).

Sending love.

 

[Suicidefantasy]

Oh hon, I'm so sorry. You never asked for any of that. Obviously I can't 100% judge your character, but I like to think you're a good person doing your best. Codependency is a real bitch (I have the same tendencies). But your history of mental illness and abuse lead me to believe it's not all your fault. Actually, that's pretty unlikely because you can't be held accountable for others' actions. Also, everyone makes mistakes. Unfortunately, the fact that we make mistakes or naive choices doesn't absolve us from dealing with the consequences.

Sorry if this is written all wonkey, I'm actually at the gym rn so I might be all over the place. But I'm wishing you strength and peace.

Hopefully I am replying to this correctly. Thank you for the kind words. I don't think it's all my fault, I think I choose the wrong partners because abuse is what I'm used to. And instead of being the victim of abuse like I usually am I turned into an abuser emotionally and physically at times to the person I love. And now I have lost him and all my friends because of it. I am suffering in silence because of the hurt I have caused my loved ones. I act happy like everybody but really I am not. You are right though consequences are still in affect even if I feel bad for what I did. Maybe it will help me get better this time, it will be my last attempt at getting better.
I wish you peace and happiness as well thank you for your comment it means a lot to me