Freaknik
Member
- Nov 12, 2023
- 19
I've reached a point where I don't want to be here anymore. My effort, perseverance and hope for something better is all but lost, and the smallest of tasks have become daunting.
My decline has been fast — if you asked me a year ago if I wanted to leave, I would say "Maybe some day, but not right now." Today, I've never wanted to leave more than ever.
I just can't seem to find the courage to pursue a method and actually do it. I could use fentanyl for a peaceful way out, but I couldn't see myself actually going through with it. Occasionally, when I'm driving, I will be overcome with the urge to swerve into a pole. Some days, I would love to hear a doctor inform me that I have a terminal illness and have months to live. That would be the best way out. I would get to say goodbye to those I love, live it up to the fullest, and not have the stigma of CTB around my passing.
Three years ago, my senior year of high school, is when I first began this journey of ideation. It was a long time coming, and something just "bursted" within me. I wanted to leave desperately at that point, but here I am three years later. Am I glad I've held on for that long? Yes, I've accomplished things and have definitely made something of myself. But, here it is again; reality rears it's ugly head in my direction.
I'm not afraid of death itself, but getting from Point A to Point B is the tricky part for me. I don't believe in God, or an afterlife. Up until a few months ago, I actually believed the universe was conscious in some way, and that things may eventually work out, or that your consciousness persists after death. After a lot of thought and research, I realized that this was a lie I told myself to continue chugging along. I believe that death is lights out, and we will not remember anything from our existence, making our time here inconsequential and inherently meaningless.
I would really love to tell the people around me, "I don't want to be here anymore!", just to let it all out and finally express everything. Though, people really don't understand suicidal ideation unless they've been there. I'll end this here as it's getting long and I'm blabbering. I just needed to vent as I think my time here is coming to a close. Maybe not now, not next week, but within the coming months or year.
My decline has been fast — if you asked me a year ago if I wanted to leave, I would say "Maybe some day, but not right now." Today, I've never wanted to leave more than ever.
I just can't seem to find the courage to pursue a method and actually do it. I could use fentanyl for a peaceful way out, but I couldn't see myself actually going through with it. Occasionally, when I'm driving, I will be overcome with the urge to swerve into a pole. Some days, I would love to hear a doctor inform me that I have a terminal illness and have months to live. That would be the best way out. I would get to say goodbye to those I love, live it up to the fullest, and not have the stigma of CTB around my passing.
Three years ago, my senior year of high school, is when I first began this journey of ideation. It was a long time coming, and something just "bursted" within me. I wanted to leave desperately at that point, but here I am three years later. Am I glad I've held on for that long? Yes, I've accomplished things and have definitely made something of myself. But, here it is again; reality rears it's ugly head in my direction.
I'm not afraid of death itself, but getting from Point A to Point B is the tricky part for me. I don't believe in God, or an afterlife. Up until a few months ago, I actually believed the universe was conscious in some way, and that things may eventually work out, or that your consciousness persists after death. After a lot of thought and research, I realized that this was a lie I told myself to continue chugging along. I believe that death is lights out, and we will not remember anything from our existence, making our time here inconsequential and inherently meaningless.
I would really love to tell the people around me, "I don't want to be here anymore!", just to let it all out and finally express everything. Though, people really don't understand suicidal ideation unless they've been there. I'll end this here as it's getting long and I'm blabbering. I just needed to vent as I think my time here is coming to a close. Maybe not now, not next week, but within the coming months or year.
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