Venting clearly, i am never enough

[encore]

no matter how many times i rationalize this feeling and redirect myself to other possible reasons why people didn't choose me, i end up still thinking about how im simply never enough.

it's not that i don't do enough. it's that me, as a whole, as a person, is lacking. i don't fit into a box of being a cute girl, a hot girl, a girl from some subculture, manic pixie dream girl even, i am just… myself. a regular person. it feels like the actual substance inside of me is grey and boring, unattractive, repulsive. it doesn't matter how much i do for someone. it doesn't matter what i say. it feels like i can never make up for this feeling of being a dull person.

i look around and see vibrant personalities that shine through people wherever they go. they are so uniquely, unapologetically, authentically themselves that it's so incredibly captivating and attractive - while i feel like a shell of a person; just some wasted potential. fuck it, not even that, it feels like i never had any potential in the first place.

i try to give myself an artificial personality. i fail, because this isn't something you can fake. i try different things and nothing sticks. i stop trying, because im too depressed and all my energy is spent on surviving. i become boring, i get scared of meeting new people because i feel like they're constantly evaluating and investigating me, judging me and thinking to themselves about how i have so little inside. i end up alone, nobody to care if i live or die. i watch as people i used to love find someone newer; better; with an identity stronger than i could ever dream of having.

i don't even feel quite human anymore. it's heartbreaking.

 

[Dejected 55]

That sounds like me. Even when I began to like myself and appreciate the adult man I grew into being over time, it still didn't change anything... and I always felt like I was on the outside looking in on all the important things I could never have or experience in life.

 

[Hollowman]

I don't feel human either. Maybe somehow things will change for you.

 

[Archness]

Much of my reason for being here and even being such a useless NEET is because I'm autistic and continue to lose a sense of self and dissociate from reality and myself. I really get just not being enough of an actual person in that way, though my own problems /w connecting to other is more that I can't and won't ever understand that kind of stuff on the level that neurotypicals just do innately.

It's quite a source of despair to be so empty inside, but you should focus more on the small amount of X that is there. Nothing special or divine, it can be something as basic as a simple "I like this thing". Maybe pretending such minor and meaningless things make up for being mostly composed of Nihil, is a little delusional and stupid; But at least it'd be of something that's actually there instead of faking a whole fake persona that would be just as hollow anyways.

That's just my own suggestion and what I do to make myself feel better, it might help you too.