Chronic suicidal ideation

[Darknessallaround]

I'm sure there must be a lot of members here who have to deal with suicidal ideation on a long-term basis. Living with it day to day (and every night), it's soul destroying and exhausting having this stuff on your mind 24/7. To the point where you want to end it just to make the thoughts stop, the dreams stop, the nightmares stop. Living with this is.....like a living nightmare.

There's nowhere (apart from here) where you can discuss this stuff without fear of the emergency services being called to your house for a welfare check. You daren't mention it to GP, MH services, private counsellors, online MH agencies. In the UK, Samaritans is the only place I've found where you can talk about this and not get reported for it; but the quality of the support received is very dependent on who is on shift when you contact them.

Has anyone found a way of dealing (living) with suicidal ideation, making peace with it? Or are we destined to just exist in a living hell until we either die of natural causes or overcome the survival instinct and ctb?

 

[London Fella]

It's all I think about.

Research, fantasise, role play my exit in my mind, intrusive thoughts, intrusive images.

My mind won't leave me alone. I don't hear external voices (have done) and I know what intrusive thoughts are, but what I experience is more than that. It's a constant conversation in my mind, and I just can't shut it up.

Admittedly, I stopped taking all of the medication (poison) but I believe that if this is the way it has to be for me, then so be it. I've tried to CTB many times. I'll get there in the end.

 

[bad luck]

It's really exhausting, I agree

 

[FuneralCry]

I believe that I will suffer until the day that I die. Living hurts me and I know I will never want to be alive, nothing would ever make me want to live. I will never be at peace in this life, for me the only peace is in death. In my case suicidal thoughts are perfectly rational, they are the only thing that makes sense for me. Escaping this life is all I want. I'm sorry you are suffering so much. This life can be very exhausting and overwhelming. I understand that it is hard to carry on when you are in so much pain. I wish you the best.

 

[fox_wannabe]

I see no other way other than to change your circumstances. I mean maybe you could reason with your ideations if you stood your ground, were happy and satisfied. Maybe It is achievable for you. Second best thing is to accept It as just as little dream of yours, quirk maybe. Something that you use to cope.
I thing ideation of ctb is just huge coping mechanism for most of us. Which can make you feel worse when you think about It like this.

 

[Rabhen]

I'm sure there must be a lot of members here who have to deal with suicidal ideation on a long-term basis. Living with it day to day (and every night), it's soul destroying and exhausting having this stuff on your mind 24/7. To the point where you want to end it just to make the thoughts stop, the dreams stop, the nightmares stop. Living with this is.....like a living nightmare.

There's nowhere (apart from here) where you can discuss this stuff without fear of the emergency services being called to your house for a welfare check. You daren't mention it to GP, MH services, private counsellors, online MH agencies. In the UK, Samaritans is the only place I've found where you can talk about this and not get reported for it; but the quality of the support received is very dependent on who is on shift when you contact them.

Has anyone found a way of dealing (living) with suicidal ideation, making peace with it? Or are we destined to just exist in a living hell until we either die of natural causes or overcome the survival instinct and ctb?

I have suicidal ideation for over 50 years. I only live with it because I am forced to live by societal construct and have not found my way out as of yet. Sometimes it is worse than others. It has NEVER gone completely away. It is like a black sticky, living tar that encapsulates my entire being. At this point I am pretty sure it never will leave me. I am able to find reasons to hang, to stay, to keep being for brief periods of time, at the behest of others and not due to my own contrivance, but I always come back to seeking a way out.
Now, having found this site, oddly enough, being given PERMISSION to feel what I am feeling without being torqued or chastised for my so called 'aberrant thoughts' has actually lessoned some of the 'pressing' to get the fuck out and just leave that has so daunted me most my life.
So my best advice would be to just let yourself feel what you are feeling, there are valid reasons you are feeling them. Research, not only methods to ctb, but your own self worth. Are you really suicidal because you are a real piece of shit with aberrant thinking? Or should you be fucking angry instead of suicidal at those who feel they have the right to insist others conform to make them feel comfortable? No matter your thoughts, you are worthy.

 

[Crazy4u]

I used to consider suicide as option b. My thinking was if life gets so bad I can always ctb.

Suicidal thoughts are exhausting but getting busy is a good distraction. I used to get too busy against my will which kept me alive

 

[bloodfallsfirst]

I've had suicidal thoughts since third grade. I'm now 27. It sucks.

 

[DieAnotherDay]

My body wants to live but my mind just wants to hang it self everyday! The constant dreams and thoughts, everytime I see a tree I can see myself hanging off it or every bridge I can see my body falling from it and hitting the water or even just the hard floor below. It is thoughly exhausting. I keep trying to keep my self busy but sometimes the mind just wonders.

I wish I could find away to make it stop but it just keeps going. I can think of one way of making it stop........

 

[Kristicide]

I'm sure there must be a lot of members here who have to deal with suicidal ideation on a long-term basis. Living with it day to day (and every night), it's soul destroying and exhausting having this stuff on your mind 24/7. To the point where you want to end it just to make the thoughts stop, the dreams stop, the nightmares stop. Living with this is.....like a living nightmare.

There's nowhere (apart from here) where you can discuss this stuff without fear of the emergency services being called to your house for a welfare check. You daren't mention it to GP, MH services, private counsellors, online MH agencies. In the UK, Samaritans is the only place I've found where you can talk about this and not get reported for it; but the quality of the support received is very dependent on who is on shift when you contact them.

Has anyone found a way of dealing (living) with suicidal ideation, making peace with it? Or are we destined to just exist in a living hell until we either die of natural causes or overcome the survival instinct and ctb?

This is so on point. You end up learning to hide your feelings, internalize, pretend things are fine just to avoid forced hospitalization or police.

 

[Al Cappella]

All. The. Time. It's gone on my whole life, and it's sooooo bloody exhausting. And you can't talk about it, ever. And if you do let it slip, you then spend the next forever reassuring the person you mentioned it to that you won't act on it. Urgh. So I just live with it…