Venting Chronic pain is ruining me

[fleetingnight]

I really feel like life itself hates me.

Every time I begin making any progress to better myself, better my life, and I start feeling like today's an okay day, the pain gets so much worse. It's like my body has to remind me that a person like me has no chance. When I get used to the pain, it gets worse.

I can't do anything. I can't hold a job. I can't pursue my dreams. I can't do anything that might make me happy without it causing physical pain.

I want to shoot myself in the head, just to stop hurting. When the pain drowns out everything else, it's hard to think about anything but how to make it stop. I don't think it will ever end as long as I'm alive. Is it really just bad luck that I was born like this? Is there nothing I ever could have done?

If I owned a gun, I would have been dead years ago. I don't know if that means that I should try and get one, or avoid them as much as possible. God, I just want it to be fucking over. I can take a lot of pain, but not this much.

 

[carac]

There are a couple of videos on my profile it might be worth taking your time to check out

 

[FuneralCry]

That must be really dreadful and tiring what you go through, it's so cruel how people have to suffer so much in this existence all through no fault of their own. But anyway best wishes.

 

[fleetingnight]

There are a couple of videos on my profile it might be worth taking your time to check out

Thank you. I've tried a lot, but when I have the energy to, I might as well try something new, just in case.

 

[iloverachel]

Sounds awful what you are going through I am so sorry
I hope your pain lessens somehow

 

[lizzywizzy09]

I can relate. I'm at the point where my goal isn't to change my mind and plan for the future, it's literally to get past every single moment. When living moment to moment is terrifying... It's torture, plain and simple.

 

[Ichigo]

I really feel like life itself hates me.

Every time I begin making any progress to better myself, better my life, and I start feeling like today's an okay day, the pain gets so much worse. It's like my body has to remind me that a person like me has no chance. When I get used to the pain, it gets worse.

I can't do anything. I can't hold a job. I can't pursue my dreams. I can't do anything that might make me happy without it causing physical pain.

I want to shoot myself in the head, just to stop hurting. When the pain drowns out everything else, it's hard to think about anything but how to make it stop. I don't think it will ever end as long as I'm alive. Is it really just bad luck that I was born like this? Is there nothing I ever could have done?

If I owned a gun, I would have been dead years ago. I don't know if that means that I should try and get one, or avoid them as much as possible. God, I just want it to be fucking over. I can take a lot of pain, but not this much.

Chronic pain is one of the cruelest realities of this universe . To be in agony forever no hope of ever finding a cure, just migitating the pain with pills and medication. And then it even has the chance of getting worse over time. A kind loving God would never make a world such as this. This world must either be ruled by a evil god or maybe there just is no god.

 

[Rubypie41]

Chronic pain is one of the cruelest realities of this universe . To be in agony forever no hope of ever finding a cure, just migitating the pain with pills and medication. And then it even has the chance of getting worse over time. A kind loving God would never make a world such as this. This world must either be ruled by a evil god or maybe there just is no god.

100% agree. Being in the situation I am now has made me think about thing's I've never thought about before. I'm now of the belief that we absolutely should not be allowed to bring more people into the world unless voluntary assisted suicide is made available. You don't realise just how alone you are until you're in a position of constant suffering that nobody can do anything about, even your most loved ones. You're just left to suffer and that's it. Absolute bullshit that we allow this to happen.

 

[Ichigo]

100% agree. Being in the situation I am now has made me think about thing's I've never thought about before. I'm now of the belief that we absolutely should not be allowed to bring more people into the world unless voluntary assisted suicide is made available. You don't realise just how alone you are until you're in a position of constant suffering that nobody can do anything about, even your most loved ones. You're just left to suffer and that's it. Absolute bullshit that we allow this to happen.

Im so sorry. I imagine it must feel truly isolating, bleak, soul-crushing. Every day must feel like youre living in some messed up horror story a writer made about you. like this feels like some sick joke. Except there is no joke, there's nobody to even blame, its just the universe being the uncaring universe it is and that's even worse then if you had someone to blame. everyday you mourn the things you have lost to this illness. Your ability to feel unbridled joy. Your ability to hope.
I wish i could give you a hug or a call over the phone right now because i know words simply arent enough to comfort this pain.
I dont have chronic illness but i know some of the fear it instills you from back when my ears kept ringing and hurting, i thought i had tinnitus and hypacaucis and just the anxiety alone made me suicidal. like i couldnt stand the idea of having those things of not being able to listen to music. i was inconsolable. Luckily it turned out that it wasnt that. but for some people it is and they have to go through that suffering. It is just awful. So i can imagine your pain must be even worse.
I dont have chronic illness but i know some of the fear it instills you from back when my ears kept ringing and hurting, i thought i had tinnitus and hypacaucis and just the THOUGHT of having a illness where everything you hear becomes painful; the anxiety alone made me suicidal. like i couldnt stand the thought of having to constantly stay in a silent room with ear muffs. of not being able to listen to music or watch tv again. i was inconsolable. Luckily it turned out that it wasnt that. but for some people it is and they have to go through that suffering. It is just awful. So i can imagine your pain must be even worse.

 

[fleetingnight]

Im so sorry. I imagine it must feel truly isolating, bleak, soul-crushing. Every day must feel like youre living in some messed up horror story a writer made about you. like this feels like some sick joke. Except there is no joke, there's nobody to even blame, its just the universe being the uncaring universe it is and that's even worse then if you had someone to blame. everyday you mourn the things you have lost to this illness. Your ability to feel unbridled joy. Your ability to hope.
I wish i could give you a hug or a call over the phone right now because i know words simply arent enough to comfort this pain.
I dont have chronic illness but i know some of the fear it instills you from back when my ears kept ringing and hurting, i thought i had tinnitus and hypacaucis and just the anxiety alone made me suicidal. like i couldnt stand the idea of having those things of not being able to listen to music. i was inconsolable. Luckily it turned out that it wasnt that. but for some people it is and they have to go through that suffering. It is just awful. So i can imagine your pain must be even worse.

(I don't think I can reply to both of your comments in one, so just know that I mean it in response to both)

Thank you for such kind comments, even though words can't fix anything, I still found them comforting, so thank you. It's nice to have my pain validated, I usually don't expect anyone who hasn't experienced it to be so sympathetic, so it was a pleasant surprise. Thank you<3

I appreciate everyone's comments, I apologize for only getting to one at the moment, I want to reply to the rest, but I've been tired and a bit bad at replies lately, so I'll get to them soon. I don't appreciate them any less, I just can't find the best words for replying right now</3

 

[untothedepths]

I feel this. Years ago I was healthier but now I have some sort of cancer ravaging my body. I know its there and spreading because I see new growths, lymph node swelling, piles of new symptoms. I am in pain all the time but what gets me is the fatigue. I'm always tired all the time, and adding depression onto that just makes it worse. I want a better job so I can support my cat but I know I'll be fired within days because I cannot, CAN NOT keep up with the demands, and people around me don't understand that.

 

[fleetingnight]

I feel this. Years ago I was healthier but now I have some sort of cancer ravaging my body. I know its there and spreading because I see new growths, lymph node swelling, piles of new symptoms. I am in pain all the time but what gets me is the fatigue. I'm always tired all the time, and adding depression onto that just makes it worse. I want a better job so I can support my cat but I know I'll be fired within days because I cannot, CAN NOT keep up with the demands, and people around me don't understand that.

A lot of people don't understand how debilitating and depressing fatigue is. It's so frustrating how much harder it makes pretty much everything. I'm so sorry you have to deal with that, and of course the pain as well</3