Christmas Eve Rambles

[deathisnear]

Well, this is awkward. I wasn't supposed to be here now. I was supposed to have CTB more than once by now. It is such an odd feeling when in my mind, I'm supposed to be dead and since I'm not, it's hard to deal with life's bullshit because ... I'm not supposed to be here. This was supposed to be the first Christmas without me. I was supposed to do it a little while ago so my family wouldn't have to deal with it during the holidays. Now, things are as they always were ... and no one knows that I'm not supposed to be here. I haven't had the Christmas spirit for a long time, but I do have good and fond memories of when I was a kid, and those are good memories. But it's not supposed to be like this, I'm supposed to be at peace now, not sitting here acting like everything is as it always was knowing I should be gone.

 

[FuneralCry]

I think that is why I never would set a specific date for my ctb as it is unlikely I would be able to go through with it on that specific day. I will just leave when I get desperate enough. I wish you the best, when the time is right for you to leave, I hope you find the peace you are looking for.

 

[deathisnear]

I think that is why I never would set a specific date for my ctb as it is unlikely I would be able to go through with it on that specific day. I will just leave when I get desperate enough. I wish you the best, when the time is right for you to leave, I hope you find the peace you are looking for.

Yeah, I envy people who can set a date and stick to it. But for me, there are many moving parts and setting a date isn't as realistic as I thought it would be. I'm not going to set any more dates, I can't, it only makes me more upset and depressed and pissed off at myself that I didn't stick to it and puts me in an even worse mindset - mad that i'm still here.

 

[Crazy4u]

don't be so hard on yourself. CTB is the biggest decision of your life. Better wait than rush and fail

 

[peepo]

dont feel bad. You're not the only one failing at ctb. I hoping that I dont live past 31st.

 

[Disappointered]

It's a rather sad xmas eve for me. In a way it's actually sadder than usual as I've been forced to re-experience a full appreciation of my social death just recently and now I'm waiting for the one person who stayed by my side to come to me...because I am an invalid failure. The weather is absolutely horrid and it's such a burden on them to come so I am trying to do some cleaning to demonstrate how much I appreciate them. It really is us against the world as all other contacts including family have found my disabled condition to be unpalatable...even if they themselves are the reason for my condition.

 

[JeffroCakes]

I think that is why I never would set a specific date for my ctb as it is unlikely I would be able to go through with it on that specific day. I will just leave when I get desperate enough. I wish you the best, when the time is right for you to leave, I hope you find the peace you are looking for.

That's the way I feel. I try thinking of a when, and one thing or another makes me change my mind and kick the can down the road. For me it will likely end up having to be somewhat spontaneous, if I'm even able to do it. It's a really fucking weird, hellish feeling not wanting to be alive anymore but also not wanting to die for whatever reasons. It's torturous.

 

[deathisnear]

That's the way I feel. I try thinking of a when, and one thing or another makes me change my mind and kick the can down the road. For me it will likely end up having to be somewhat spontaneous, if I'm even able to do it. It's a really fucking weird, hellish feeling not wanting to be alive anymore but also not wanting to die for whatever reasons. It's torturous.

Definitely can relate, it is torturous. And it makes me even angrier that i didn't follow thru, it's a vicious cycle. I think it will have to be spontaneous somehow too, but that would be real hard to pull off for me. And then constantly my mind is telling me i should be dead because i said i would be, so anything that comes along is shit because i shouldnt be here. I get it

 

[Disappointered]

They're playing White Christmas on tv right now and crazy snow storming is what's ruined my xmas. I used to like those kinds of movies as a child but after having all my hopes and dreams brutalized I'm just not able to enjoy them anymore. When I think of what I was like as a child I just start crying. I cannot believe so much potential good was completely destroyed.

 

[Capsicum_Corral]

That's the way I feel. I try thinking of a when, and one thing or another makes me change my mind and kick the can down the road. For me it will likely end up having to be somewhat spontaneous, if I'm even able to do it. It's a really fucking weird, hellish feeling not wanting to be alive anymore but also not wanting to die for whatever reasons. It's torturous.

The potentially good news is that you're going to die no matter what. You could even do everything in your power to stay alive, and you'll still die. You have a guaranteed exit. What are you going to do in the meantime?

 

[deathisnear]

The potentially good news is that you're going to die no matter what. You could even do everything in your power to stay alive, and you'll still die. You have a guaranteed exit. What are you going to do in the meantime?

I know, I think about that all the time, that's why my brain says just do it, nothing matters anyways, I am going to die. I hopefully can just get past the holidays a bit and then do it i'm hoping

 

[socorro]

Yeah, I envy people who can set a date and stick to it. But for me, there are many moving parts and setting a date isn't as realistic as I thought it would be. I'm not going to set any more dates, I can't, it only makes me more upset and depressed and pissed off at myself that I didn't stick to it and puts me in an even worse mindset - mad that i'm still here.

Yes, I've tried to set dates before and it has only resulted in me feeling like more of a failure for not going through with it.