Help Choosing To Live Is Exhausting

[iamuncertain]

I'mnin my 20s but have a long history of suicidal ideation and attempts, it's landed me in hospitals and changed the way in which I see the world.
4 years ago, I got out of a 2 year admission and worked so fucking hard to piece my life together. When I got out I had nothing. I went to college, got myself a steady job, moved out. All on top of being in community treatment. 2 years in I left community treatment and decided to go it alone. I thought I was 'cured' (able to manage independently). Things went ok, and 2 years later I decided to leave my past behind me for good, and move to a new city 4 hours away.
This was my way of leaving the sadness and suicidality behind and moving into a new life where I wasn't constantly surrounded by people and places that reminded me of who I was.

For the first few months, things were great. My job was great, I made friends, I felt happy. And then it all slipped.
I had one evening where suddenly nothing made sense anymore and I attempted ctb. Thenpolice were involved, I got sent to a crisis house, and suddenly I was the same person I was 6 years ago. Broken and wanting to die.
Since then, I've spent my time just existing. Reflecting on what went wrong. Trying to decide if I actually want to do this life thing or just avoid all the future pain and ctb. Everything takes so much effort. Everyone around me thinks it was a one off 'blip' and I'm better now, but I'm not.
Existing is painful.

I know how hard it is going to be to 'recover' again. I've fought for it before and it took so much effort and pain. If I never went through the sadness again it would have been worth it. But now it's happened again I don't know if it was.

Whilst this debate exists in my mind, I am having to consciously choose to stay alive every day and I am so tired. The loneliness is real too, because if I reach out I could get sectioned and it's really important to me that I have the choice to die. That choice can't be taken away from me.

So yeah, choosing to live is exhausting. Even if it's only a temporary choice. I have no idea how I'll manage if this whole choosing to live thing becomes permanent.
If anyone has any thoughts on this I'd love to hear them.

 

[Claymore7274]

I agree so much with you, like, you start building something good for your life then everything suddenly crumbles back to chaos and pain. all the way back to rock bottom

 

[BlockedintheUK]

@Claymore7274 "I agree so much with you, like, you start building something good for your life then everything suddenly crumbles back to chaos and pain. all the way back to rock bottom" Yes this. 1oo%

 

[InevitableDeath]

I'mnin my 20s but have a long history of suicidal ideation and attempts, it's landed me in hospitals and changed the way in which I see the world.
4 years ago, I got out of a 2 year admission and worked so fucking hard to piece my life together. When I got out I had nothing. I went to college, got myself a steady job, moved out. All on top of being in community treatment. 2 years in I left community treatment and decided to go it alone. I thought I was 'cured' (able to manage independently). Things went ok, and 2 years later I decided to leave my past behind me for good, and move to a new city 4 hours away.
This was my way of leaving the sadness and suicidality behind and moving into a new life where I wasn't constantly surrounded by people and places that reminded me of who I was.

For the first few months, things were great. My job was great, I made friends, I felt happy. And then it all slipped.
I had one evening where suddenly nothing made sense anymore and I attempted ctb. Thenpolice were involved, I got sent to a crisis house, and suddenly I was the same person I was 6 years ago. Broken and wanting to die.
Since then, I've spent my time just existing. Reflecting on what went wrong. Trying to decide if I actually want to do this life thing or just avoid all the future pain and ctb. Everything takes so much effort. Everyone around me thinks it was a one off 'blip' and I'm better now, but I'm not.
Existing is painful.

I know how hard it is going to be to 'recover' again. I've fought for it before and it took so much effort and pain. If I never went through the sadness again it would have been worth it. But now it's happened again I don't know if it was.

Whilst this debate exists in my mind, I am having to consciously choose to stay alive every day and I am so tired. The loneliness is real too, because if I reach out I could get sectioned and it's really important to me that I have the choice to die. That choice can't be taken away from me.

So yeah, choosing to live is exhausting. Even if it's only a temporary choice. I have no idea how I'll manage if this whole choosing to live thing becomes permanent.
If anyone has any thoughts on this I'd love to hear them.

shouldn't this post be on the recovery section? You might get more replies there no?

 

[iamuncertain]

shouldn't this post be on the recovery section? You might get more replies there no?

Maybe. I'm always wary that those on the recovery section are often looking for positives and reasons to keep trying.
I guess I don't want to put a downer on that by sharing my failures.

 

[Forveleth]

Maybe. I'm always wary that those on the recovery section are often looking for positives and reasons to keep trying.

It depends in the answer you are looking for. Because I agree with you that living is hard. Keeping positive and healthy and muscling through the tough times takes an enormous amount of effort. Which is why I have elected not to do it anymore as I would rather forfeit my life than continue to deal with bullshit. So I have chosen death over struggling through life.

If you are looking for advice/something positive, one of the biggest factors in whether you can handle life's tough spots is having a support network. It sounds like that is the thing you need. You were doing great until you moved away and had nothing and no one to fall back on. I get the feeling of needing to leave the past behind and have a fresh start, but you obviously need something for support. Do you have any friends in your new area? Can you reach out to your old support network?

Either way, totally get where you are coming from.

 

[InevitableDeath]

Maybe. I'm always wary that those on the recovery section are often looking for positives and reasons to keep trying.
I guess I don't want to put a downer on that by sharing my failures.

Worth a try perhaps.

I'm older, attempted, failed. But then had a quite a few good years before it all turned back to shit.

Even if you CTB in the end, if you're in your 20s you've got a chance at some good times.

 

[iamuncertain]

I get that. I'm aware that I could put a shit tonne of work in get out of this hole and have a couple of years with decent memories. But eventually I'll fall again, it's the nature of the beast.
To me the pain of the fall isn't worth the good times.

 

[elenaboo25]

I have come to the same conclusion. Good things never last. I am done trying.