Child abuse victims: Do you think your learned helplessness is an obstacle for you when ctb?

[Weebster]

Ctb seems hard because it would be me taking ultimate control of my destiny, which is something I can't even do in regular life.

 

[Lost Magic]

Yes, childhood trauma is one of the biggest factors in me wanted to ctb. The past always seems to lurk around and the damage to the brain is already done. I am now in the process of detachment and acceptance but it isn't easy.

 

[sleepforever81]

I was abused by a teacher when I was in primary school, it has affected my whole life and people tell me if I ctb then he has won. I hate my life, I go to bed every night secretly hoping I don't wake up but I always do and iv lost count of the amount of failed attempts, one day soon I will get it right and die.

 

[thedaywillcome]

I cant help myself because of how I am born.

 

[Weebster]

Yes, childhood trauma is one of the biggest factors in me wanted to ctb. The past always seems to lurk around and the damage to the brain is already done. I am now in the process of detachment and acceptance but it isn't easy.

Yeah it's always there. Even on a good day that feeling of smallness and weakness can creep up.

 

[Water-Lily]

I was abused by a teacher when I was in primary school, it has affected my whole life and people tell me if I ctb then he has won. I hate my life, I go to bed every night secretly hoping I don't wake up but I always do and iv lost count of the amount of failed attempts, one day soon I will get it right and die.

I never liked that analogy "if you die then your abuser/bully wins". Imo its not about winning or losing. It adds pressure to the victim giving them this burden. Along with learning to survive after a traumatic experience its "if you die then it will mean this for the person who hurt you!". Often its done in good faith and to give this fighter mentality to keep on going and to show those who hurt you that you are stronger. But I feel it can have the opposite effect

This isn't to say you should die. My heart breaks for your suffering and trauma. I too have suffered many trauma's in my life as a child from many people, family included. Some days it feels so lonesome and overwhelming, especially when you are not in a place to leave your environment or abusers (not easy to just get up and leave abusive people or situations). It can feel like there is this weight. For me its not just coming to terms with what my mom did to me and how that impacted my life, its learning about those who had healthier lives. I ask "why me, why did I suffer?". Its a grieving process and I am sure it will wean and wane over the course of my life. Though I hope I come to a better place

All I will say for you is that you are not alone in your pain. Myself and many here can relate to the pain of childhood trauma's and their long term effects on ones development. It's a difficult process but definitely one that many can understand. I hope you come a place where you are in a better place with your trauma and can truly learn to live

 

[lyles]

I would say that it is a foundation for suicidal ideation being a primary coping mechanism for me more than an obstacle. The abused helped spur me to become suicidal for a large fraction of my younger years and that established a pattern and thought process that continues today. While I have largely gotten help for my trauma and I don't want to ctb because of it by any means, it was the first point in which I learned to view death as an acceptable or ideal alternative. It became escapist and idealized because of my abuse. Now it is less about the abuse and more about just getting to a point where I can fully fall back on those urges.

 

[Water-Lily]

I would say that it is a foundation for suicidal ideation being a primary coping mechanism for me more than an obstacle. The abused helped spur me to become suicidal for a large fraction of my younger years and that established a pattern and thought process that continues today. While I have largely gotten help for my trauma and I don't want to ctb because of it by any means, it was the first point in which I learned to view death as an acceptable or ideal alternative. It became escapist and idealized because of my abuse. Now it is less about the abuse and more about just getting to a point where I can fully fall back on those urges.

How did you get to this place of healing? I would love to learn as I am still processing my traumas as well

 

[lyles]

How did you get to this place of healing? I would love to learn as I am still processing my traumas as well

The path I took was long and necessitated me getting out of the abusive environment I was in before. I got to move somewhere wholly new and take time to process my trauma in an environment that I could control. I know therapy can be complicated for people, and I have had multiple therapists myself, but I did manage to find a good one who specialized in childhood trauma that I got to work with.

A lot of it revolved around untangling the shame I felt. But at some point, I finally understood that viewing what happened to me as though it happened to any other child helped me offer sympathy and grace to myself. I had to navigate a lot of the triggers and the underlying beliefs I developed through the abuse and dismantle them and REPLACE them with more accurate beliefs.

For example, I believed that my worth was found in how useful I was to other people. Now I understand that I have intrinsic value as a human being, the same as any other thing in existence. Or, I used to believe I could never survive without being dependent upon someone. Now, I realize I am able to thrive on my own! But that my relationships still can encourage growth and joy in my life.

Ultimately, I took a look at the things in my life that made me happy. Loved ones, taking walks, reading books, all or any of that, and incorporated it more into my daily life. Offering some level of kindness, patience, and forgiveness to myself and viewing my life with a larger perspective.

This is probably a bit of an odd angle to be approaching all of this, considering the topic, but I do believe that I have been able to heal from those particular wounds in a way that brought me peace. If you have questions or want advice or to even just talk please feel free to pm me! I don't know your story or experience, and maybe none of what I said speaks to you, but I am willing to offer my ear and time. I hope you are able to find some healing for yourself too as well. I am sending you my best wishes.

 

[Water-Lily]

The path I took was long and necessitated me getting out of the abusive environment I was in before. I got to move somewhere wholly new and take time to process my trauma in an environment that I could control. I know therapy can be complicated for people, and I have had multiple therapists myself, but I did manage to find a good one who specialized in childhood trauma that I got to work with.

A lot of it revolved around untangling the shame I felt. But at some point, I finally understood that viewing what happened to me as though it happened to any other child helped me offer sympathy and grace to myself. I had to navigate a lot of the triggers and the underlying beliefs I developed through the abuse and dismantle them and REPLACE them with more accurate beliefs.

For example, I believed that my worth was found in how useful I was to other people. Now I understand that I have intrinsic value as a human being, the same as any other thing in existence. Or, I used to believe I could never survive without being dependent upon someone. Now, I realize I am able to thrive on my own! But that my relationships still can encourage growth and joy in my life.

Ultimately, I took a look at the things in my life that made me happy. Loved ones, taking walks, reading books, all or any of that, and incorporated it more into my daily life. Offering some level of kindness, patience, and forgiveness to myself and viewing my life with a larger perspective.

This is probably a bit of an odd angle to be approaching all of this, considering the topic, but I do believe that I have been able to heal from those particular wounds in a way that brought me peace. If you have questions or want advice or to even just talk please feel free to pm me! I don't know your story or experience, and maybe none of what I said speaks to you, but I am willing to offer my ear and time. I hope you are able to find some healing for yourself too as well. I am sending you my best wishes.

I really appreciate this. For me I feel I am coming to a place where I feel I can hopefully leave my environment. It's not only the environment where all the trauma happened but also I'm dealing with toxic behaviors daily. Some days are harder than others, but I know leaving will help give me the freedom to fully process what I experienced, cry, etc

healing is scary, though staying an abusive environment is even scarier. It just "feels" better cause its comfortable but its killing you slowly

If you don't mind me asking, what is your current perspective on suicidality? As in how do you think abot suicide today and how does that affect your life? I also like how you talked about suicide being an coping mechanism for an obstacle. Realistically I do not want to die, I just want to escape thigns that seem scary. Right now I just feel internal shame feeling I am defined by my trauma, and all feeling anger about not having a loving and safe childhood and feeling jealous of those who had a better life than I did.

 

[lyles]

I really appreciate this. For me I feel I am coming to a place where I feel I can hopefully leave my environment. It's not only the environment where all the trauma happened but also I'm dealing with toxic behaviors daily. Some days are harder than others, but I know leaving will help give me the freedom to fully process what I experienced, cry, etc

Being stuck in not only the same but an actively toxic environment is so, so hard and genuinely terrifying. I am so sorry. It will make such a difference once you leave, but sometimes the best we can do is just survive. I hope you can get out of there soon, and if you need resources then hopefully those are available where you are.

healing is scary, though staying an abusive environment is even scarier. It just "feels" better cause its comfortable but its killing you slowly

That's absolutely true. Healing is not a linear process. It hurts and feels gross and uncomfortable and awkward! It is a process that can be ugly and make you yearn for the familiar, even when you know it is bad for you! It comes back to keeping ahold of that larger perspective. It is up to each person to determine how they value their lives and what they want out of them. And if healing is something you want, it can be something you reach. It may not look the exact same as everyone else's, but if you get to a point where you can feel at peace then that is worth it.

If you don't mind me asking, what is your current perspective on suicidality? As in how do you think abot suicide today and how does that affect your life?

I think of death in general as an exciting passage into the next stage of existence (even if that doesn't mean I have any sort of consciousness or identity). So to a degree, I still think of suicide as a potential escape option. If life somehow became permanently unbearable then I would utilize it as a tool to escape. Really, I think of suicide as a tool in general now. It is a mechanism in which I can bypass the portions of life when they stop serving me.

Keep in mind that this is just my personal philosophy. In my worst moments, I only live for the sake of my loved ones. In my more stable ones, like now, I am able to recognize there is a lot about life that I love and value! It is just when the negative consequences of life ecliplse the positives that I would use suicide as that escape.

Knowing that I could die at any point, be it by outside forces or by my own choice, has let me feel more freely as well. I am more honest with the people in my life and myself. I am able to think about what really matters to me and put everything in context in a way the average person may not think about often. It is very freeing, actually.

I also like how you talked about suicide being an coping mechanism for an obstacle. Realistically I do not want to die, I just want to escape thigns that seem scary. Right now I just feel internal shame feeling I am defined by my trauma, and all feeling anger about not having a loving and safe childhood and feeling jealous of those who had a better life than I did.

There are options for you, I believe that truly. To leave and grow and heal. It ultimately is always your choice, but I think that the potential value and joy you could find out of life outside of that toxic environment is beautiful.

You are not at fault for your trauma or abuse, though. You never could be. You have every right to be angry and upset and deserve to have those feelings. You deserved a loving and safe childhood and I am so sorry that was robbed from you. Everything you feel is something I am familiar with. You are not alone or wrong for any of it. I am sorry you are dealing with this sort of suffering, but please know that I am always happy to be here and help you along the path of figuring it all out.

You are incredibly strong, though you shouldn't have to be.

 

[Water-Lily]

Being stuck in not only the same but an actively toxic environment is so, so hard and genuinely terrifying. I am so sorry. It will make such a difference once you leave, but sometimes the best we can do is just survive. I hope you can get out of there soon, and if you need resources then hopefully those are available where you are.

That's absolutely true. Healing is not a linear process. It hurts and feels gross and uncomfortable and awkward! It is a process that can be ugly and make you yearn for the familiar, even when you know it is bad for you! It comes back to keeping ahold of that larger perspective. It is up to each person to determine how they value their lives and what they want out of them. And if healing is something you want, it can be something you reach. It may not look the exact same as everyone else's, but if you get to a point where you can feel at peace then that is worth it.

I think of death in general as an exciting passage into the next stage of existence (even if that doesn't mean I have any sort of consciousness or identity). So to a degree, I still think of suicide as a potential escape option. If life somehow became permanently unbearable then I would utilize it as a tool to escape. Really, I think of suicide as a tool in general now. It is a mechanism in which I can bypass the portions of life when they stop serving me.

Keep in mind that this is just my personal philosophy. In my worst moments, I only live for the sake of my loved ones. In my more stable ones, like now, I am able to recognize there is a lot about life that I love and value! It is just when the negative consequences of life ecliplse the positives that I would use suicide as that escape.

Knowing that I could die at any point, be it by outside forces or by my own choice, has let me feel more freely as well. I am more honest with the people in my life and myself. I am able to think about what really matters to me and put everything in context in a way the average person may not think about often. It is very freeing, actually.

There are options for you, I believe that truly. To leave and grow and heal. It ultimately is always your choice, but I think that the potential value and joy you could find out of life outside of that toxic environment is beautiful.

You are not at fault for your trauma or abuse, though. You never could be. You have every right to be angry and upset and deserve to have those feelings. You deserved a loving and safe childhood and I am so sorry that was robbed from you. Everything you feel is something I am familiar with. You are not alone or wrong for any of it. I am sorry you are dealing with this sort of suffering, but please know that I am always happy to be here and help you along the path of figuring it all out.

You are incredibly strong, though you shouldn't have to be.

Thats the sad thing. We have this burden of being strong and spending so much of our ives healing and figuring shit out, a burden those from healthier homes don't have. Not to say their lives are easier by any stretch but going through life having happy childhood memories and a loving and supportive family/upbrinig is an honest privilege easy to take for granted

Currently I have a therapist who keeps me sane. When I look back at my main abuser (mom) who passed away years ago, I see how someone like her got away with abusing me so much. She herself was abused horribly and then enabled as she got older. She was enabled out of fear. It was very scary and it gives me perusal insight into how abuse keeps going. It's not just the abusers, its the enablers who know but choose to do nothing

 

[lyles]

Thats the sad thing. We have this burden of being strong and spending so much of our ives healing and figuring shit out, a burden those from healthier homes don't have. Not to say their lives are easier by any stretch but going through life having happy childhood memories and a loving and supportive family/upbrinig is an honest privilege easy to take for granted

Sorry to reply so late, I have been pretty mia online but I was thinking about how you were doing over the week!

You are absolutely right though. It is a position no one should be put in but too many children are regularly due to the selfish choices of those in power. I'm sorry you have suffered for it.

Currently I have a therapist who keeps me sane. When I look back at my main abuser (mom) who passed away years ago, I see how someone like her got away with abusing me so much. She herself was abused horribly and then enabled as she got older. She was enabled out of fear. It was very scary and it gives me perusal insight into how abuse keeps going. It's not just the abusers, its the enablers who know but choose to do nothing

I am glad you have some help that has provided that for you. I hope things get better still, too.

Absolutely it is true that enablers are responsible. Anger towards them as well is totally warranted, I believe. Sometimes anger can be a freeing feeling, it tells you when something is wrong. No emotion is inherently bad, and while I don't believe that only feeling angry all the time is a good thing, being able to feel anger over the fact you have been wrong has been something I found healing. It's part of grieving the life I didn't have and the child who suffered.