Venting chaotic vent

[marspuppy]

this isn't going to be a vent of me explaining why i feel like shit or what's going on in my life. this is literally just me putting exactly what i feel into words so i'm sorry if anyone is reading this and it's not clear what's going on. i just hate myself so much. i feel so fat and ugly, i know that's not the biggest problem someone could have which is another reason i feel like shit. why do i feel like this if my life is pretty good all things considered? why was i born so mentally fucked up, like it genuinely feels like my birth parents set me up to fail. and even though i'm adopted that didn't change a thing. i starve myself and then i binge and then starve myself just to look the exact goddamn same. i don't have anyone to tell, i live thousands of miles away from my family, and the person i live with is leaving soon too. i do want to kill myself, but im scared of dying. im so much of a pussy that i can't even take the easiest way out of all my issues. all i do is complain and think about when will it all end but it never does. none of my friends like me, or at least haven't shown it since I moved. i feel like im going fucking insane. the one coping skill that actually worked i cant even do anymore, i haven't been able to do it for almost two years. i make a lot of money only to be crying over the small amount of rent my parents make me pay. i'm telling you, my life is not bad whatsoever. so why the fuck do i feel like this every second im awake or sober? i know the answer so dont actually tell me, its because i self medicate my mental issues and it just makes it worse. i feel so disgusting all over my body, i feel like a terrible person. i just think everyone would be better off if i was gone. would anyone even notice besides my family? probably not. rant over i guess but ill probably be back