Had a breakdown today over...well, everything. And I was almost tempted to CTB today, except that I need to wait just a little bit longer in order to be able to wrap up loose ends. Otherwise, I've had done it today. But there was something else stopping me. As I was standing there, breaking down, and sobbing uncontrollably, I was fighting to get myself under control. I was looking in the mirror, telling myself "it's alright" if I CTB, even if not at the moment. Then I said, "no, it's NOT alright." It's not alright that I should be driven to this state. That part was me, telling myself it's ok to NOT be ok.
But then I started thinking "man up; knock it off." I started to think that it was just SI. But then, that's when I realized, that wasn't me. That was my mom, my grandmother, my uncles, and everyone else who shut me down in the past when I tried to tell that what I was going through as a kid, and even as an adult. And it's their voices metaphorically ringing in my head in response to my breakdown.
I've been told this once in a therapy session, in response to my saying about something that I was "of two minds", that that was not true, that my abusive mom was like "the eye of Sauron" in my head, that was the "second mind" creating conflict within me. I argued against it at the time, saying it was my own reasoning and trying to see both sides of everything. But I see it, now. In the specifics of this, I'm hurting, but I'm not "allowed to". That was always the case. If I was scared of the dark and woke from a nightmare, and screamed for her, she's yell from downstairs "what do you want ME to do about it? GO BACK TO SLEEP!!!" When I was sick, I was told to suck it up. When my grades were suffering in school because of the physical and emotional abuse at home, and the trauma of seeing her being beat nearly to death over the course of several years by our "stepfather", I was told to knock it off and "get my act together." When I cut my toe stepping on something in the lake, and someone took me to the hospital to get stiches, she got mad at him AND me for costing her money, because she could have stitched it up at home. When I tried to tell her about personal issues, like Aspergers, she got mad and angrily shut me down; "No, you're not." Or when I was prescribed Reglan for my digestive issues, which she recommended, because they thought might be gastroparesis because my mom has it, and takes it, and I started having twitches related to tardive dyskenisia, she got all condescending and denied my twitching. (Both examples from my adulthood.) I was NEVER allowed to not be ok. (I never told her I tried to kill myself for the first time when I was only 8 years old, god forbid the inconvenience that would have caused her.)
You know when you're caring for someone, and people remind you to take care of yourself as well? I was expected to deny even that for myself, on her behalf. I was literally expected to carry the weight of all her problems on my shoulders while I was sick. When she was in the hospital a few years ago, and I was taking care of her and her shitshow of a life that she created for herself (after she abandoned us and returned, mind you, blaming everyone else but herself, and expected us to forgive HER while not apologizing), I was not allowed to get sick, myself. I literally got sick, and couldn't stay long a particular day, and was trying to leave, and she says "but I'm sick, TOO!!!" (This, while I'm holding back on the secrets I had just learned, as well). When it all caught up with me, and I went to the hospital for what everyone thought was a heart attack, but turned out to be a panic attack, I broke down there when they asked me if I was suicidal. (I said "no", but that was a lie, because they mentioned to my friend there the 72-hour psych hold.) But when I followed up with my PCP a few days later, I'm sitting there, telling them about the overload of stress and such, I got a phone call saying I was needed to come down and take care of things again. You know
Other relatives weren't so blunt and cruel, but equally dismissive. My grandmother would minimize my feelings, while telling me about painful things from her past. My uncles would tell me, "ah, you're strong", while telling me their problems. When I ran away from home because of abuse, I was simply sent back, and made to apologize.
This set the precedent for the rest of my life. My problems were to be dismissed, while I was forced to listen to, empathize with, and make up for the problems of others. As a result, anytime something went wrong and wasn't my fault, I'd suck it up and take the pain for their sake, even in romantic relationships.
So, now, I'm thinking that while SI is a natural part of this, for me, there's that "of two minds" going on, the "eye of Sauron" of my mother getting angry at me, telling me to "knock it off", to not be sick, to not have emotional problems after finding my father's body after suicide, to be ok after fighting an abusive "stepfather" who tried to kill her on multiple occasions, and to sit in the dark, scared and alone after a nightmare, because SHE couldn't be bothered to get her drugged-up self off the couch to come in, tell me it's alright, give me a hug, and get me back to sleep.
I am a grown-ass man, and yet, there's a childhood response at play: I am actually scared to CTB because I will "get in trouble" and punished and diminished, and told that my problems and emotions don't matter. That's not SI, that's programmed abused.
If this is too wordy, well, a picture says a thousand words. This has literally been my life, here.
As to my best friend...it's not that I wasn't there for him when he needed me. But it was lopsided, in how much he was there for me, I think; he helped me more. Still, he "abandoned" me at the height of my fallout of taking care of my mom while learning about her role in my father's death.
I say abandon, but it's more complicated than that. It wasn't overnight, but that he wanted to move away on his own. He was there for me in the past, and he was there for me in 2019 during my kidney stone procedure, as he was the only person I could ask to take me home from the procedure. But that was an imposition on him, I could tell; he was busy living his new "best life". He kept in touch for a while, but started to grow distant, shutting me out. I can remember crying one night when it became clear that I was bothering him. And we haven't spoken since 2020. He was trying to help me through that, as well. But I was a wreck, and it was too much for him, I think. That, and he was going through his own issues with his identity. I understand, and didn't want to hold him back from him coming to terms with his own issues, even if he excluded me, except that he started drinking and using light drugs, something he never did before, and he was adamant AGAINST them for a long time . And he shut me out when I tried to talk to him about that. And we were going in different directions on other matters at that point, as well. Still, right or wrong, he did leave me behind; and announced that he was doing while I was in the middle of a having a nervous breakdown.
I can't fault him, but it's held me back from reaching out to anyone else, at this point. If I burdened him to a breaking point, after a 16-year friendship, I can't do that to anyone else.
But then I started thinking "man up; knock it off." I started to think that it was just SI. But then, that's when I realized, that wasn't me. That was my mom, my grandmother, my uncles, and everyone else who shut me down in the past when I tried to tell that what I was going through as a kid, and even as an adult. And it's their voices metaphorically ringing in my head in response to my breakdown.
I've been told this once in a therapy session, in response to my saying about something that I was "of two minds", that that was not true, that my abusive mom was like "the eye of Sauron" in my head, that was the "second mind" creating conflict within me. I argued against it at the time, saying it was my own reasoning and trying to see both sides of everything. But I see it, now. In the specifics of this, I'm hurting, but I'm not "allowed to". That was always the case. If I was scared of the dark and woke from a nightmare, and screamed for her, she's yell from downstairs "what do you want ME to do about it? GO BACK TO SLEEP!!!" When I was sick, I was told to suck it up. When my grades were suffering in school because of the physical and emotional abuse at home, and the trauma of seeing her being beat nearly to death over the course of several years by our "stepfather", I was told to knock it off and "get my act together." When I cut my toe stepping on something in the lake, and someone took me to the hospital to get stiches, she got mad at him AND me for costing her money, because she could have stitched it up at home. When I tried to tell her about personal issues, like Aspergers, she got mad and angrily shut me down; "No, you're not." Or when I was prescribed Reglan for my digestive issues, which she recommended, because they thought might be gastroparesis because my mom has it, and takes it, and I started having twitches related to tardive dyskenisia, she got all condescending and denied my twitching. (Both examples from my adulthood.) I was NEVER allowed to not be ok. (I never told her I tried to kill myself for the first time when I was only 8 years old, god forbid the inconvenience that would have caused her.)
You know when you're caring for someone, and people remind you to take care of yourself as well? I was expected to deny even that for myself, on her behalf. I was literally expected to carry the weight of all her problems on my shoulders while I was sick. When she was in the hospital a few years ago, and I was taking care of her and her shitshow of a life that she created for herself (after she abandoned us and returned, mind you, blaming everyone else but herself, and expected us to forgive HER while not apologizing), I was not allowed to get sick, myself. I literally got sick, and couldn't stay long a particular day, and was trying to leave, and she says "but I'm sick, TOO!!!" (This, while I'm holding back on the secrets I had just learned, as well). When it all caught up with me, and I went to the hospital for what everyone thought was a heart attack, but turned out to be a panic attack, I broke down there when they asked me if I was suicidal. (I said "no", but that was a lie, because they mentioned to my friend there the 72-hour psych hold.) But when I followed up with my PCP a few days later, I'm sitting there, telling them about the overload of stress and such, I got a phone call saying I was needed to come down and take care of things again. You know
Other relatives weren't so blunt and cruel, but equally dismissive. My grandmother would minimize my feelings, while telling me about painful things from her past. My uncles would tell me, "ah, you're strong", while telling me their problems. When I ran away from home because of abuse, I was simply sent back, and made to apologize.
This set the precedent for the rest of my life. My problems were to be dismissed, while I was forced to listen to, empathize with, and make up for the problems of others. As a result, anytime something went wrong and wasn't my fault, I'd suck it up and take the pain for their sake, even in romantic relationships.
So, now, I'm thinking that while SI is a natural part of this, for me, there's that "of two minds" going on, the "eye of Sauron" of my mother getting angry at me, telling me to "knock it off", to not be sick, to not have emotional problems after finding my father's body after suicide, to be ok after fighting an abusive "stepfather" who tried to kill her on multiple occasions, and to sit in the dark, scared and alone after a nightmare, because SHE couldn't be bothered to get her drugged-up self off the couch to come in, tell me it's alright, give me a hug, and get me back to sleep.
I am a grown-ass man, and yet, there's a childhood response at play: I am actually scared to CTB because I will "get in trouble" and punished and diminished, and told that my problems and emotions don't matter. That's not SI, that's programmed abused.
If this is too wordy, well, a picture says a thousand words. This has literally been my life, here.
Substitute the word "best friend" in that pic for family, that is.
As to my best friend...it's not that I wasn't there for him when he needed me. But it was lopsided, in how much he was there for me, I think; he helped me more. Still, he "abandoned" me at the height of my fallout of taking care of my mom while learning about her role in my father's death.
I say abandon, but it's more complicated than that. It wasn't overnight, but that he wanted to move away on his own. He was there for me in the past, and he was there for me in 2019 during my kidney stone procedure, as he was the only person I could ask to take me home from the procedure. But that was an imposition on him, I could tell; he was busy living his new "best life". He kept in touch for a while, but started to grow distant, shutting me out. I can remember crying one night when it became clear that I was bothering him. And we haven't spoken since 2020. He was trying to help me through that, as well. But I was a wreck, and it was too much for him, I think. That, and he was going through his own issues with his identity. I understand, and didn't want to hold him back from him coming to terms with his own issues, even if he excluded me, except that he started drinking and using light drugs, something he never did before, and he was adamant AGAINST them for a long time . And he shut me out when I tried to talk to him about that. And we were going in different directions on other matters at that point, as well. Still, right or wrong, he did leave me behind; and announced that he was doing while I was in the middle of a having a nervous breakdown.
I can't fault him, but it's held me back from reaching out to anyone else, at this point. If I burdened him to a breaking point, after a 16-year friendship, I can't do that to anyone else.
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