Story Cbt because social anxiety

[hellispink]

This is the first time I post here. I really feel at peace when being here. Since I was little, I never felt part of anything. I was excluded and laughed at. I suffered from severe bullyng until I left high school at the age of 16. The reason others mocked me was because of my teeth and my shy quiet personality. For them it was fun I couldn't talk much. I spent most of my days in corners. In gym class I would be in a corner by myself. At lunch, I would eat by myself. But most of the times I went to the bathroom to hide because I was too ashamed to be there while everyone else had someone. In my life I learned to only count with myself. At this point loneliness does not affect me. I am a introvert and I enjoy writing and spending time in nature writing poetry. However, that special trait of mine gave me such miserable moments. They made me thought it was wrong to be me. I know for certain I am a person with amazing qualities. I am a semester away from graduating in college. I managed to be honors for a bunch of semesters even though I was a high school dropout. I passed from being shy to being more confident and kind to myself. I had a boyfriend the first three years and he helped me cope with the classes and having to be around others. I am not longer with this person because he decided someone else was what he needed. I think that is the ultimate kind of pain for me. I do not feel capable of finishing a last semester without his help. I have social anxiety, and depression. But my panic attacks and anxiety is too high mostly in classrooms. I cannot even ask for a drink, buy anything in a grocery store or go for walks. I grew to depend on this person because how scared I was and I am still of this cruel world we live in. Jobs? I only last two weeks in each of them, I so I give up on it. I tried therapy for years but wounds from childhood mostly from humiliation traumas are impossible to forget. Every time I am in a room I think everyone is going to laugh at me and make it all come back. This is one of the reasons I will CTB soon. I just don't know when. If there is someone who has social anxiety, please tell me I am not alone on this.

 

[Nequam]

You aren't alone with this. Social anxiety has a lot of variants each of which are their own very special hell.

I have a job because my ex helped me get into the store to begin with and the former owners didn't fire me after I had a full scale panic attack my first day. I got a lucky break, except my job technically includes customer service which means I spend each shift riding the edge of a panic attack. I didn't go to college/university so I can only imagine how that would affect anyone who has any form of severe anxiety.

I am entirely pro-choice so if you decide that ctb is truly the only option that is completely understandable, you know far better than I what you can cope with and what you can't. On the other hand, if you would like I can offer the ways I get through my shifts which may also work for you with a bit of adjustment for your personality and situation.

Mine comes from a childhood passed from one stranger to another while simultaneously having it pounded into my head (thanks D.A.R.E.) that strangers are bad, don't trust strangers. In my case, they were right. There's more to it than that but it's the simplified version. I was never shy just standoffish, more than one foster family or state worker labeled me as feral tbh. I mention the root of mine only because it means my panic attacks and how my anxiety presents itself is probably different than yours. Regardless, it's your decision whether you just want to be heard while you are here or if you would like to hear possible ways to finish college and maybe more.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry that you suffer so unbearably. Living really is so painful, and I can imagine that it must be so tiring and awful what you have to endure. I have also always been very introverted as well, to me people can be cruel and I would rather stay away from them. I wish you the best in whatever you decide to do, I hope that you find relief from suffering.

 

[OctoberDusk]

You are very much not alone in that. I can relate to much of what you said, as I was like that, especially in high school. Like you I found creative outlets to help cope, first through music then later writing, and was much better in college. I think the music especially helped, as I became better at being social, or at least communicating through sound. I also met others who had similar issues and anxieties, mostly writers and musicians.

I also learned that my favorite people also had times where they thought it was wrong to be them. But they kept being themselves and were fantastic.

I still think it odd at times to discover how much I enjoyed being on stage, yet was so introverted and shy much of the time off it. But it helped me see I could function, developing a kind of persona I could adopt for social situations. I'd still be me, of course, and made an effort to not get lost in my societal masks, but that approach has helped me manage. (Characters getting lost in their societal masks and then trying to refind themselves was the main subject in my MA thesis, by the way).

I've had jobs, but it took a while to find what works for me, and much of what I do is fairly independent, mainly related to words and publishing (writing, editing, analysis), so jobs like that do exist, even in a post-literate society. It's taken some time and effort to stick with some of them, though, and deal with my own questioning of everything.

Sometimes I see it as learning a piece of music, writing a poem, or getting through a difficult text. Give it time, focus, find what works and what I understand, and use it to unlock the others, and put it together.

Anyway, I've made it well into middle age, and while some days are darker than others, I mostly manage, even with the depression, anxiety, and assorted other things. I also found, just in the last few years, how much better I feel with a healthy diet and being in nature (walks and bike rides especially).

So no, you're not alone. I don't know if any of this will help, but I hope you manage to keep going. I'd like to be able to one day walk into a bookstore and buy a book of your poetry, even if I wouldn't necessarily know it was you.

 

[Advisor321]

Social anxiety is silent killer. It can consume you. People around are cruel. Despite they know about the illness, they can still hurt you.
It is a pain very hard to manage

 

[710]

As an introvert, I also suffer from severe social anxiety. I almost didn't graduate from college because I was so afraid of taking speech class. I used to take valium before giving a speech. But even then, my voice would quiver when I had to talk in front of the class. I could tell people were uncomfortable listening to me. But I made it through that class. Now that I'm older, I don't care as much others think of me.

 

[Dizzylady80]

Social anxiety/agoraphobia are Brutal, I'm sorry you've got to deal with that. For me, when I go outside it feels like there's some horrible weight pressing down on me, or some rope tied around my torso. And having your support system leave sounds very hard. It's pretty impressive you've almost made it through college, maybe you can get a therapist to talk your school and see about taking your remaining classes online? I was able to do that, although for different reasons

 

[hankbank3928]

Yes, I have severe social anxiety. I can't even go to the store to get food I get this awful feeling in my gut from interacting with people.

 

[whatevs]

You're definitely not alone in having your life destroyed by feeling terrified and tense among people. It also has destroyed mine. Ultimately I look at healthy people talking and laughing and realize they have an easy and comfortable life while I have to feel threatened and stressed everywhere I go. It's obvious having this condition makes life possibly not worth it.

 

[Deleted member 31858]

I also have social anxiety and agoraphobia. I feel really bad that I can't go out because of this.
And my problem increases because all the noise makes me sick. Where I live is very noisy and I have to put up with it because of my social anxiety I can't go out.
All this is what made me decide for ctb.
I just have to plan it well. You are not alone.

 

[WorthlessTrash]

I am very sorry about what you are going through. I myself am not a social person and have teeth issues :(

 

[hamvil]

You are not alone and I think you will find many people that with relate with. I am one of them. I am much older than you (43) but I want through similar experiences. I went to a small school, the type of school where there are no clubs, no extra curricular activities. The only exception was gym and we were all forced to do it. I hated because I am not good at sports and the other kids would immediately laugh at me.

I used to like reading fantasy novel and comics. Building legos and playing board games. When computer arrived I become passioned about them and this isolated me even more.

If you feel comfortable I would love to read some of your poetry.

I really do not know how to get over social anxiety. I am really happy that nowadays you can use several chat based customer support system because in this way I do not have to speak with a person. Moreover, with this covid mos offices moved from physical presence to remote and this also helped me avoid to speak with other people.

Not sure what is the reason for you. In my case I just do not know how to communicate with people. I always say the wrong thing and I end up in situation where the conversation escalate into fights. I wished people knew what I had in my mind and that I could communicate it effectively but it seems everybody misunderstand me. I know it is not their fault but mine.

 

[HumansAreHell]

You are definitely not alone. My social anxiety has only continued to get worse through life. Me and my friends had a lot of issues with bullies too that really hurt my outlook on humanity. It's just hard when people bully your friend for being bald when it's from terminal cancer. It's a very cruel world and I think it's only natural to have social anxiety as sad as that is.

But we are all here for you if you ever need to talk or vent. <3