Venting Carving Out My Own Little Vent Thread

[INYGTRMTFMO]

- My husband is acutely aware of the intensity of my suicidal ideation -- had a crashout last month and would have ctb if my SI weren't so high -- and he mentioned casually during Thanksgiving, after his cousin showed off a fancy pistol at Thanksgiving dinner ('Murica!), that he'd like to buy a gun to add to his knife collection. While I don't think I'd actually have the guts to shoot myself with it, a part of me is like "The way I would N O T even entertain the thought of purchasing a firearm if YOU were the suicidal one".

- Vagueposting until after the results appointment this week on the rare, rare chance that my neuropsych lurks SS and the even rarer chance she ties this account to me, but said appointment may make or break me (specifically, is at least some of what is wrong with me treatable orrrrr am I just fucked, because I'm increasingly feeling like maybe I'm just fucked?).

- I hate myself for hating my job because it has Objectively Positive Societal Value (human services), but man is this job stressing me out because we're spread too thin and with too few resources to be servicing all these humans.

Anyway, hope y'all's week has had at least some positive moments in it. <3

 

[TheCavernousDeep.]

As a human, I'm thankful you're doing a job that's good for humanity!

And… I mean honestly you could just tell your husband right? I mean he's your husband. If you said "we definitely can't buy a gun. I'm worried I'd hurt myself with it." I mean he's got to be understanding about that right? Especially if it's just an aesthetic thing for his knife collection. I know you feel like he should be aware of why buying a gun is a bad idea, but men can be very stupid (source: me being a man), and sometimes you just need to spell things out for them before it clicks. Worth a shot imo.

 

[INYGTRMTFMO]

As a human, I'm thankful you're doing a job that's good for humanity!

And… I mean honestly you could just tell your husband right? I mean he's your husband. If you said "we definitely can't buy a gun. I'm worried I'd hurt myself with it." I mean he's got to be understanding about that right? Especially if it's just an aesthetic thing for his knife collection. I know you feel like he should be aware of why buying a gun is a bad idea, but men can be very stupid (source: me being a man), and sometimes you just need to spell things out for them before it clicks. Worth a shot imo.

You're probably right.

 

[INYGTRMTFMO]

- The results from the neuropsych were unhelpful. At least the verbal ones. Still waiting for the actual report with all the scored and the breakdown and whatnot. It's only been a few weeks, but I'm antsy, desperate for something, anything, that may even kinda point me in any sort of direction. I keep making mistakes at work because I can't keep my head straight, and, overall, the mechanics and demands of life are more than I can adequately keep on top of, but I'm increasingly unsure if there is anything I can do about any of it. Antidepressants don't work. I can't add any more caffeine to my daily routine without risking a heart attack -- I'm already giving myself heart palps.

- I met with a new therapist recently that I really like. I found out today that she might not be in network. I'm hoping it's just a billing error, but if she's actually not covered, that may be the last gust of wind that stumbles me onto that bus.

I'm just being whiny mostly, but I feel absolutely gutted and dejected.

 

[INYGTRMTFMO]

Ah, so she IS covered, but the first appointment isn't. That was probably listed somewhere in the terms and conditions that I must have missed; I've never not had an initial consult with a therapist be covered, so I guess it caught me off guard. Annoying expense right before Christmas, but whatcanyado.

 

[INYGTRMTFMO]

I think I'm starting to relapse back into that disordered eating I had in college. In the past seven days, my caloric intake has not hit four digits for five of them.

New therapist is nice. Have only had a few sessions with her so far. We're going to start exploring EDMR, I think.

 

[INYGTRMTFMO]

the past seven days, my caloric intake has not hit four digits for five of them.

Well, I'm eating At Least 1000 Calories Most Days now. So that's something, I think. Apparently I'm moderately deficient in protein. Started adding protein powder to my morning coffee. Still fat though.

Work is MASSIVELY stressing me out, still. But I can't not work in this economy, and finding other jobs has been SLOW, so I'll keep at it until I either snap and do something fireable or snap and just stop showing up (in whichever of a multitude of ways that may look like). My hope is to get fired so that I can draw unemployment, but the nature of my job is such that slacking at it hurts vulnerable people. Ignoring the fact, of course, that I am myself vulnerable people. Some of my clients have the same diagnosis as me. But I'm eloquent and can force myself through any given day well just enough to give the illusion of functioning.

I'm increasingly feeling like maybe I'm just fucked?

Yeah, turns out I'm fucked. The things wrong with me are not, in fact, fixable (at least not yet but probably not ever), and I will continue to be just insufficient as a person until I cease to be a person.

But at least my blundering my occasionally be entertaining to others, or at the very least a living schadenfreude, a reminder to others that they're not as unkempt or as awkward as they could be?