RealLostSoul
once rock bottom, always rock bottom
- Oct 11, 2019
- 211
Hi forum, I'ma share my recent thoughts about me and possible endings. As I am living in an environment where I am scarce on possible methods I am currently thinking about different options. If I would go all in I probably could extend my possibilities but I really want suicide to be all or nothing. If I pull the lever I want it to be fatal, I am absolutely not going to go to a (mental) hospital, or even prison for that matter.
First I was thinking about partial hanging in my house (either hallway or my room). This is still a possibility since I have access to a strong climbing rope and furniture that would 100% support my weight. It would actually be easy to do it. However, three things hold me back from doing so. First of all, while I would need to time it when my parents are at work, I am not 100% certain if I can catch a time window where there won't be anyone interrupting me potentially. Even if it's just a slight possibility of someone coming home early due to whatever reason, it's too bad tbh. I am very afraid of being found, also I absolutely not want to traumatize my mother. This is very important for me. The third thing is it kinda isn't my method. You see I kinda wann go out with a bang, with high velocity, I tried hanging and chocking on a rope a bit but it really sucks and I think I can't do it.
It kinda sucks that I don't live in the US as a firearm would have done this job years ago probably. I would have been better off CTB back then but yea shit can't change. If I would shoot myself I wouldn't shoot my head actually because, yet again, it would leave a traumatizing mess but a heart shot with anything other than shotgun is too risky. Besides that I would never ever get access to firearms in my country anyways. There is just no way. Even if I pass background checks and gun license things, I would be immediately doomed if literally anyone knows about it.
Jumping is something I can't do either. I was looking around some places but there are none where I have a great feeling. While there are high bridges above highways and stuff, I do know from my paramedic courses that people that jump down there often stay alive on the abyss, at least for some time before they succumb to their heavy injuries.
I won't do drug OD or gas at all since, like I said, I want this to be all or nothing not in between where I potentially survive or get out again. Plus besides that, those things would cause suspicion, I can't risk it.
So then we have the option of car crash which imo seems better than it sounds. I would think of a high velocity impact that leaves behind nothing but rubble. I would need to find a road where I can accelerate without curves and possibly crash into a tree or wall. This is most likely going to be some lonely countryside road. Yes it may be a bit tricky but if done correctly it should be over with the blink of an eye. What I would not do is doing a frontal crash into another car (eg taking the wrong high way direction), despite my general dislike of other people I just couldn't take a literal stranger with me. It's too random/fateful to even consider, and I don't want to be remembered as a killer by all means. Hell no! Actually, a ctber killed a friend of my grandma a decade ago. He wasn't going that fast but down a hill and intentionally wheeled into the upcoming traffic. He could have crashed into a truck but decided to back out last second just to take the (next) car of our family's friend. This is pretty much like murder suicide so yea don't do that even though a frontal car on car crash would leave more destruction than just a crash into an object.
What do you guys think?
What type of car is the best? If we nerd a bit about physical equations and stuff I think kinetic energy is mostly determined by exponential velocity growth. So faster is better than just a small car with little protection. But maybe the protection value of the bodywork of the vehicle varies quite a lot and is an important factor to consider.
Also what about sabotaging the airbag?
If we manage to not turn ourselves to nothing but compressed steel debris maybe we could die pretty efficiently by creating a huge trauma of the head/artery rupture that causes brain bleeding and deadly brain herniation. Although, this implies choosing a road where you won't encounter many other drivers as you don't want to be found and potentially rescued.
Another thing I was actually thinking about is getting into aviation (hobby pilot) and crashing my plane in a mountain or so. This would be very safe and quick but would require me to actually start a piloting school, which would cost a lot but more importantly, would cost a lot of energy (mental) which I don't have at all. I just want it to be over soon but if I can't find a way I could trick my mates/family into me "getting better" while in actuality just planning my final "flight". I am mildly interested in that topic anyways so it wouldn't be too much of a stretch if I start doing that for a hobby, even people who gonna shoot themselves are practicing first. And about the crash, there is something called graveyard spiral in aviation where amateur pilots lose their senses/get disoriented and start going in a downward spiral. All in all, similar to car crash I would cause object damage / financial things which I can't care less about as long as I don't injure any people. Plus in plane crash I could go out with a bang, with really high velocity and potentially leaving behind some mystery like that australian pilot who made up an "alien abduction" before (probably) commiting suicide. Not that I would wanna make up some bs like that in particular but just food for thoughts. most likely iwill just leave behind a million notes for friends and family.
Other than that, death by starvation is the most noble one but I will not be able to pull this through (although I lost 15 pounds within 1 and a half weeks already and I'm down to a bmi of about 14.5). It's more of a result of frequent trauma (again) and my mental illness worsening by a lot. Yea I want to CTB soon but need to find my way, I am at the point where I decided it, I gave life enough chances, it's sad but true, nothing changes for me, I am getting older and more withdrawn and mentally ill. Now I lost not just one but two loved ones in a short period of time and yea I am done with the strokes of fate. I can't even love anyone anymore if life takes them away. It was like that for a long time anyways. I may or may not go into more depths later on, let's see, as of now, this long post is over.
First I was thinking about partial hanging in my house (either hallway or my room). This is still a possibility since I have access to a strong climbing rope and furniture that would 100% support my weight. It would actually be easy to do it. However, three things hold me back from doing so. First of all, while I would need to time it when my parents are at work, I am not 100% certain if I can catch a time window where there won't be anyone interrupting me potentially. Even if it's just a slight possibility of someone coming home early due to whatever reason, it's too bad tbh. I am very afraid of being found, also I absolutely not want to traumatize my mother. This is very important for me. The third thing is it kinda isn't my method. You see I kinda wann go out with a bang, with high velocity, I tried hanging and chocking on a rope a bit but it really sucks and I think I can't do it.
It kinda sucks that I don't live in the US as a firearm would have done this job years ago probably. I would have been better off CTB back then but yea shit can't change. If I would shoot myself I wouldn't shoot my head actually because, yet again, it would leave a traumatizing mess but a heart shot with anything other than shotgun is too risky. Besides that I would never ever get access to firearms in my country anyways. There is just no way. Even if I pass background checks and gun license things, I would be immediately doomed if literally anyone knows about it.
Jumping is something I can't do either. I was looking around some places but there are none where I have a great feeling. While there are high bridges above highways and stuff, I do know from my paramedic courses that people that jump down there often stay alive on the abyss, at least for some time before they succumb to their heavy injuries.
I won't do drug OD or gas at all since, like I said, I want this to be all or nothing not in between where I potentially survive or get out again. Plus besides that, those things would cause suspicion, I can't risk it.
So then we have the option of car crash which imo seems better than it sounds. I would think of a high velocity impact that leaves behind nothing but rubble. I would need to find a road where I can accelerate without curves and possibly crash into a tree or wall. This is most likely going to be some lonely countryside road. Yes it may be a bit tricky but if done correctly it should be over with the blink of an eye. What I would not do is doing a frontal crash into another car (eg taking the wrong high way direction), despite my general dislike of other people I just couldn't take a literal stranger with me. It's too random/fateful to even consider, and I don't want to be remembered as a killer by all means. Hell no! Actually, a ctber killed a friend of my grandma a decade ago. He wasn't going that fast but down a hill and intentionally wheeled into the upcoming traffic. He could have crashed into a truck but decided to back out last second just to take the (next) car of our family's friend. This is pretty much like murder suicide so yea don't do that even though a frontal car on car crash would leave more destruction than just a crash into an object.
What do you guys think?
What type of car is the best? If we nerd a bit about physical equations and stuff I think kinetic energy is mostly determined by exponential velocity growth. So faster is better than just a small car with little protection. But maybe the protection value of the bodywork of the vehicle varies quite a lot and is an important factor to consider.
Also what about sabotaging the airbag?
If we manage to not turn ourselves to nothing but compressed steel debris maybe we could die pretty efficiently by creating a huge trauma of the head/artery rupture that causes brain bleeding and deadly brain herniation. Although, this implies choosing a road where you won't encounter many other drivers as you don't want to be found and potentially rescued.
Another thing I was actually thinking about is getting into aviation (hobby pilot) and crashing my plane in a mountain or so. This would be very safe and quick but would require me to actually start a piloting school, which would cost a lot but more importantly, would cost a lot of energy (mental) which I don't have at all. I just want it to be over soon but if I can't find a way I could trick my mates/family into me "getting better" while in actuality just planning my final "flight". I am mildly interested in that topic anyways so it wouldn't be too much of a stretch if I start doing that for a hobby, even people who gonna shoot themselves are practicing first. And about the crash, there is something called graveyard spiral in aviation where amateur pilots lose their senses/get disoriented and start going in a downward spiral. All in all, similar to car crash I would cause object damage / financial things which I can't care less about as long as I don't injure any people. Plus in plane crash I could go out with a bang, with really high velocity and potentially leaving behind some mystery like that australian pilot who made up an "alien abduction" before (probably) commiting suicide. Not that I would wanna make up some bs like that in particular but just food for thoughts. most likely iwill just leave behind a million notes for friends and family.
Other than that, death by starvation is the most noble one but I will not be able to pull this through (although I lost 15 pounds within 1 and a half weeks already and I'm down to a bmi of about 14.5). It's more of a result of frequent trauma (again) and my mental illness worsening by a lot. Yea I want to CTB soon but need to find my way, I am at the point where I decided it, I gave life enough chances, it's sad but true, nothing changes for me, I am getting older and more withdrawn and mentally ill. Now I lost not just one but two loved ones in a short period of time and yea I am done with the strokes of fate. I can't even love anyone anymore if life takes them away. It was like that for a long time anyways. I may or may not go into more depths later on, let's see, as of now, this long post is over.
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