Can’t tolerate being alone but I dislike some parts of my mostly good relationship and have been cheating

[bugfart]

I can't tolerate being alone at all. But I'm with this guy and he's super immature and constantly thinks I'm being cold the second I don't look at him for one second god forbid and doesn't understand we can't fully cuddle in public places or make out in public. I've grown and matured and he hasn't. Texts me with words like "haii" "hewwo" "nya" (for yes) "nyo" (for no) and whenever I ask him a question he always just jokes and never answers or just makes random sounds. Always making whining sounds and when communicating with his mom he completely turns me off by whining to her like Eric cartman from South Park almost. I'll tell him to change and he won't. Has melodramatic meltdowns when he has to talk to anyone else but me and something as simple as sending an introduction message in a discord server sends him into full on melodramatic crying and he gets so upset he'll sleep for multiple hours. But then complains he's lonely. I have several friends who would love to talk to him and when I tell him to just give them a chance and send a friend request he starts whining and grumbling and gets upset and complains he's tired so we don't have to talk. The thing is is that he's too dumb to even be manipulative I think. He has almost no life experience while I've had a lot and had it forced into me and he doesn't do anything with his life. I've cheated lots but can't leave him, and I genuinely enjoy seeing him and love him and enjoy a lot of parts of the relationship. Tried to leave once and got super suicidal and immediately knew I made a mistake and he took me back. Can't be alone at all and if I were to be left or leave him I'd definitely ctb. But I can't stop cheating. And I refuse to tell him I'm cheating or leave him. We met in highschool freshman year and he's a senior now and I graduated early (we're both 18) and almost 2 years ago I moved to a different state only 2 and a half hours away and my dad still lives in his state 20 minutes away and I see my dad one week every month. So I see him each time. Genuinely want to ctb because of how horrible I am as a person but can't ever leave or be left. I've never physically cheated though before, just texting people. I'm going to apply for college and I can't see myself ever leaving the relationship unless I die or have a relationship lined up and guaranteed they won't ever leave me (which is simply not possible) and as soon as they leave I'd want to go back to him. Any advice to leave him will come right in one ear and fall out the other. I have a lot of good moments with him and he's actually never mean to me, he just gets sad occasionally. Never wanted to argue with me and never argues.

 

[who doesn't matter]

I sort of know the feeling. Being dependent (in a way) on folks who are, well, immature, to say the very least. Can't even advise you to hang in there because I know that's bloody tough.

 

[rozeske]

From the sounds of it he doesn't seem like a terrible person or evil. He just happens to have behaviors that are not your type. Usually you don't find someone with all their qualities to your liking. There is that whole 80/20% rule in relationships (thoughthe number may deffer for everyrelationship). Though there are a few things you seem to enjoy from that relationship, a lot more of it sounds to make you miserable. That is not something you should seak especially with your suicidal thoughts. It's not unusual to be incompatible with someone. We all can't be compatible with each other. It's only fair to put yourself in his position, would it be ok with you if he hated most of you your qualities and couldn't leave you and was trying to fix his desires with someone else?
Imho it would only be fair to the both of you to talk it out openly with him and decided if you want to fix things and work it out, have an open relationship or be on your separate ways.

 

[mortuarymary]

Cut them off.