I really have no where else to go. I had a bad conversation with my ex and it triggered so much for me.
I feel ready to buy SN but I can't stop crying because I'm so scared to die. I'm so scared I don't know what's out there. I don't know where I'll be or what will happen to me. SI feels like it's kicking in and terrifying me with fear.
I want to die so much. I want out of this pain so badly.
I just wish I could wake up somewhere and it could be like none of these terrible things happened to me. I would just be with someone who loved me and everything would feel perfect.
There's no place like that here for me on earth and when I die the best I can hope for is to not exist but I'm so terrified that somehow I'd still exist in a worse place and not be able to escape.
I feel like I'm living in a nightmare I can't get out of. There's no end to this pain. It's bottomless. There's no words for it.
No one should have to feel pain after pain after pain your entire life. It's more than can ever be felt or process or endured. I just want to go. I just want this to be over with. Life is so brutal and cruel and you never can get a break from it. It never stops and never ends and just keeps coming at you over and over and over again.
It's like being hit by a train a thousand times and you're not even ok from the last time you got hit but you keep getting obliterated, crushed and torn apart.
Every small scrap of hope or love you ever feel is just a knife in your heart. Every good thing it's all taken away. It's all robbed from you. Destroyed to dust and everything you are along with it.
I can't take anymore.
I feel you, I feel the same... I literally got hit by a car.... But being poisonned everyday by chemicals hurts more. I can't heal fast enough
I envy your tears, my body blocks them because it makes my brain pressure worse?
You sound like you're scared to die even more than the torture of life. My brain is mush, but if what you are talking about is all about love breakups... You might want to try living single, read about codependency, self care with nutrition, self love will never leave you alone. It's unconditional. I know hormones are strong & society teach women they are wortless if they're not a man's slave... But your life is yours to live, make your own dreams. If you're young, finding a serioys lover is even harder in our colture of cheap one night stands... How about going on a path of self discovery? It was fun for me. Better than violent relationships with cold narcissists...
If you are talking about being homeless soon, I can only hope that you know kind people to let you sleep at their place until you find your own.
If you talk about physical pain, I'm in agony with urges to jump off earth.
I forgot my point... Oh yeah... To reassure you about death.
I had several near death experiences.
In one of them I didn't just see a tunnel of light, I saw a whole tree & forest... Endless paths of quantum physics... Everything was possible I just needed the right path. It gave me hope. I gave up the medicine that weakened me & used nutrition to rebuild my body. It worked...
When I got hit by a car, it knocked me out. I usually have vivid dreams, but it was THE NOTHING. I think my brain stopped from the shock a few seconds. I had no out if body experience. I wasn't actually dead, but I think our consciousness as we know it just ends, and our bodies (made of star dust) just returns into the pool of the universe for a new life (or pebbles) to exist. I think the universe is a giant life form, we are its cells. We lose cells everyday but the universe lives on.
The first life was a bacteria, first form was an algae made of bacterial collony. I think we are all copies of the same life form. Adapted to environments. Birds, fushes, you, me... Same clone... To explore the endless possibilities of the universe. It doesn't matter to it if it's fun or pain... Long or dying suddently... It wishes to explore the quantum realm. Failure isn't failure. It's just exploration. Branches of life can be shorter than others but still can explore fascinating information. I guess building a giant collony, an adult body, takes time so we're equipped with a preservation instinct. So we can explore longer. I had the most fascinating teachings at death's door. Pain & depression are great teachers when used as guides. But society blame those feelings so it can stay stagnant... Evolution come from problem solving, not victim blaming.
That is why I wish to die... I had enough pain... I made errors I can't correct alone... But people prefer to deny me help & abuse me...
I wish to die... I wish to be healthy & live dreams... But I poisonned everything I own by accident... Trying to kill mold out of fear... I killed my body... I can't go explore anymore. My brain is mush... My heart is gone...
Sometimes you can just try a new path to get a better life. I had to go in a radically opposite direction... Give up my dreams, beliefs, part of myself... Honestly it was fun... Feeling the ground crumble under my feet, when I gave up some false beliefs, but then feeling free...
If I had one advice it's to put lovers on hold & explore self love, care & discovery. Everyone should taste that before death.
But I've been abused... So I understand wanting to flee a mean world. Got beaten the cops said I deserved it. After that my trust was broken beyond repair.
I don't know how to die, I'm scared too. Chickened out today, but made a step to try partial Hanging after calling for help everywhere all day, just to be gaslighted as insane... Im in pain...
It's ok to be scared. Sometimes it means that we're not ready yet, that we still have some fighting strength left.
But I agree... I love trains... But I'm sick of being hit and missing out on lufe, bedridden, scared to go out, almost puking & passing out if I try to go have fun...
If your body is still viable, maybe you can change your goals of a mate into self love... But if you felt tortures... I wish you to find peace. Maybe I should get N... Or SN? I don't know how... I fear poison...
Perhaps you can stay with us and calmly learn about ways to off life to see if it's for you? The unknown is scary... It can always stay a plan B for when agony is unbearable... I learned how to make my 1rst slipknot today. Baby steps towards dreams...
If your dream turns out into a hell, perhaps you just need a different dream? But if you want the eternal rest, I reassure you... Hell is only for the living. I think the eternal sleep has no nightmares. That's for the living left behind. I think you're a kind person and wish pedos could die instead... So if you're not ready and at peace with death yet, feel free to stay
Best wishes
I feel just beyond words. Since I was a child I've had nothing but pain. Abuse. Loss. Abandonment. Think of every bad thing you can imagine. It's pretty much all happened to me. Raped at 14. Molested. Seeing my mom being beat a large part of my life. Her boyfriends hurting me. Molesting me. Locked in a closet. My friend accidentally burned everything I had to the ground by falling asleep with a candle. I was forced into an abortion at 14 and left to get home from the clinic alone when I could hardly stand. My dad left me. My boyfriends have been terrible to me. My jobs abused me. I was so poor growing up everyone made fun of me because I had holes in my shoes and my clothes didn't fit. My mom abused me too physically and called me names. My boyfriend hung himself in my house and I found him. All my friends just left me alone after a couple weeks and no one was there for me. No one is ever there for me. So many friends have betrayed me. I could go on and on. So many things have happened to me. I lived through it all and hoped things would get better and I'd have a family and be loved someday and this last person destroyed me completely. He betrayed me and I'll never have a children or a family now. And in the conversation today he was basically blaming me for believing him and I had a choice to leave. I loved him so much and I was finally happy and he destroyed it all. It's so much more than I have words to describe and so much pain I can't even fathom it. I have been so kind to everyone so much in my life I truly have even through everything. I'm not a bad person and I can't understand any of it and I can't find the words anymore to describe the amount of pain I'm feeling.
I really hope so. I wish my mind would stop being so terrified and asking what if. It's like my mind knows I want to go and is fighting me. I can't explain that I feel I'm in a nightmare I will never escape. That I'll never ever be able to escape this pain even if I die. That I'll end up in some endless nightmare and I'll never be free.
I'm a woman. I reached a new level of numb or resentment for the world... But for you... I feel such gentle, sad yet poetic warmth... Such profound love & empathy... even though your abuse is at a level beyond my comprehention... To see you still have a heart impresses me... I wish I could answer your plight & make it all heal... Or end... I wish I could set the world in fire for you... And once all the bad is gone... Offer you a flower field where you can rest, find peace, or rest in peace. The world is unworthy of you.
You're too pure for this evil world. I tried to turn evil to survive. How about self defense classes and to carry a gun and or a big dog? I took the class can't have the rest... But still got beaten helplessly... And the cops said I deserved it... China killed girls because they only could have 1 child & prefered men who had more rights... They ended up unable to find brides... I wish all gentle soul could go on another planet & leave the jerks to abuse each other... Like jail. I hope your abusers went to jail showers & tasted their own crap. But men make it super hard to get justice... Hopefully you mercilesly got rid of them when you could. I banned my oarents and ex violent fiancé...
But I kept falling back in traps, so I stayed alone to figure it out...
I hope you're safe now. Feel free to kick some mean balls.
TE
I wish I could actually hug you. We're singing such similar songs and I know how much it hurts. So honestly, maybe I wish you could actually hug me too.
Triple hugs!
