Can't make peace with dying

[heylightiforgot]

I can't accept/make peace with suicide. I'm too attached to my own lost potential as a person, and hung on the life I 'could have had'. Everything I love is here on earth, but logically I know I will never be able to access any of it again, due to the severity of my health issues and dire living situation. It seems unfair I was only here once, and this is how things turned out. I know life isn't 'fair' .. but still.

I just don't understand what will push me to end it. I have no quality of life whatsoever and I'm trapped in this tormented reality of endlessly obsessing over how things could have gone differently. I can't watch TV, listen to music etc. It's almost literally just me alone with my thoughts in the dark most of the day. I don't believe I have suicide 'in me', and it's almost like the more sick/helpless I become, the less capacity I feel to go through with it, but there is such immense pressure on me at home and one wrong slip up/cry-for-help and I end up in a psych ward again (as a severely ill person) where I will die anyway. What's worse is my severe physical vulnerability makes an 'impulsive' attempt (e.g. after a fight at home) impossible because any stress cripples me instantly. It's easy to plan, pick a date etc. to feel some sense of control, but the reality of actually ending it is too overwhelming. I don't want to die, and I don't want to watch myself die.

I know people will say this means I'm not ready, suicide isn't for me etc. But honestly, I have no choice. I'm just buying time each day with my family, barely scraping by physically. Everytime I delude myself I'm 'okay' with it, the terror hits anew. Even benzos don't take that away. Nothing does.

It really sucks. I am always a person who has been a 'problem solver' or content with just small comforts and I think I could have happily kept existing if I had made it out of my abusive home years ago. I don't know. I wonder if part of this has to involve self-forgiveness -- accepting that reaching this point wasn't my fault. Which I do, in a way. But you just can't 'outthink' SI.

:(

 

[heylightiforgot]

Hey, I absolutely feel very similar. You are not alone, please feel free to message me if you need to chat to anyone. SI is very strong and will find anyway to manifest its self. My SI is holding on to the idea that I'll find a job and change my life around - not gunna happen. Don't be ashamed or beat yourself up, it's natural instinct to want to live and awful that we feel like we need to end it. If SI wasn't a thing, soooooo many people would be gone by now. However, if you have hope I would say to you not to give up and don't try to dampen it. I'm sorry you live in an abusive home, that will be temporary and you can hopefully get out of that situation soon. You sound like a really great and brave person!

Unfortunately, my health has deteriorated so far I won't get out of home (can't look after myself, and not a citizen here so never qualified for any kind of social assistance). I am either going to die by suicide, or if I 'lose control' at home I will be put in a psych ward and die, which sounds like an exaggeration but really isn't. Those are literally my only two options. There really is no hope for me. But knowing that logically makes nothing easier. As I say, I am painfully aware of all the joys life has to offer and I think I've been imprisoned so long in my home by my illness that it's like I never even got a chance to get 'bored' of life. I just can't fathom not existing :(

 

[Eternal Pessimist]

I keep thinking about the life I could have had too. If things had been a little different in my youth I think I could have made a decent life for myself, but maybe I'm just fooling myself and would have ended up unhappy anyway. Regardless, I'm not interested in trying anymore and I'm not willing to live with a lower quality of life for much longer.

 

[MisanthropicLycan]

I can't make peace with suicide either my friend. It terrifies the hell out of me to be honest. I am sorry you are in this bleak and brutal position. Sadly, I can't really offer any good advice to you because I am a victim of this grim circumstance as well. I am afraid of death and I don't want to die but I can't keep suffering like this for much longer. I feel weak and powerless in the face of my crushing mental illnesses and drug addiction.

I can feel myself losing all hope and I can feel my spirit decaying into ash. I don't see any light at the end of the tunnel and I don't have any strength left in me to fight through this pain enough to recover. It is like I am trapped in this tortured mortal cage with no escape but death. I am being pushed closer and closer to the edge of the abyss. I have to somehow find the courage to pull the trigger and leave this world. I don't want to imagine the nightmare of sticking around for another year or more.

I wish you the best. Good luck to you in your struggles.

 

[heylightiforgot]

I can't make peace with suicide either my friend. It terrifies the hell out of me to be honest. I am sorry you are in this bleak and brutal position. Sadly, I can't really offer any good advice to you because I am a victim of this grim circumstance as well. I am afraid of death and I don't want to die but I can't keep suffering like this for much longer. I feel weak and powerless in the face of my crushing mental illnesses and drug addiction.

I can feel myself losing all hope and I can feel my spirit decaying into ash. I don't see any light at the end of the tunnel and I don't have any strength left in me to fight through this pain enough to recover. It is like I am trapped in this tortured mortal cage with no escape but death. I am being pushed closer and closer to the edge of the abyss. I have to somehow find the courage to pull the trigger and leave this world. I don't want to imagine the nightmare of sticking around for another year or more.

I wish you the best. Good luck to you in your struggles.

Thank you, and I'm sorry to hear you're in a similar situation. I just have no agency left as a human being (mentally, physically) and am not 'safe' anywhere -- home, hospital etc. My parents have total control over my existence, even though I can't function on any level at home. It's surreal watching everything crumble like this, and having no control whatsoever over your existence. And the more sick and frail I get, the more I'm scared to do it because I keep losing that drive and sense of impulsivity (and I'd also have to plan so carefully around my family). My days, existence, everything is utterly joyless beyond comprehension. I have to fight every minute to survive, but I'm not fighting for anything. I think 'pulling the trigger' on myself just goes against every value I hold dear.

 

[Life+me=error]

You will die eventually. The sooner you accept that the better. Nothing lasts forever. All you can do is enjoy it (if you can) while it lasts.

 

[heylightiforgot]

You will die eventually. The sooner you accept that the better. Nothing lasts forever. All you can do is enjoy it (if you can) while it lasts.

There's nothing to enjoy anymore. I just feel like a fugitive living on borrowed time. I guess I'm driven by the sense of 'injustice', knowing my health issue never arrived at this point 'naturally' -- I was completely destroyed by the abuse at home, and it's almost left me too helpless to even kill myself now.

 

[CrushedHopes]

I'm too attached to my own lost potential as a person, and hung on the life I 'could have had'. Everything I love is here on earth, but logically I know I will never be able to access any of it again

I feel you SO MUCH regarding this. I just can't seem to take the freaking L, and realize that I no longer have my online VA pals. And who is to blame for that predicament? Me.

I could have had a fantastic and colorful life. Alas, it's really not meant to be. Because I know I'll die with regrets anyway, I've elected to end my pathetic life that much sooner. And I'm gonna make it happen. That is why I had made peace with my own death.

 

[Life+me=error]

I am sorry to hear that.

Try to see death in a good light. Death is part of life. To have life in the first place you need to accept death.

And always remember, when you are dead you won't even know you are dead :)

 

[MisanthropicLycan]

My days, existence, everything is utterly joyless beyond comprehension. I have to fight every minute to survive, but I'm not fighting for anything.

Man, I can't begin to tell you how much I relate to what you just wrote there. Everyday when I wake up it is like a grey clinical nightmare of total anhedonia where everything is painfully boring and empty. The world is drained of color and time crawls by in an agonizingly slow manner. The only emotions I feel are bitterness, depression and self-loathing. There is nothing else inside of me. I wake up and immediately and desperately long for the temporary escape of sleep again. I feel like an ancient walking corpse condemned to purgatory. No pleasure or joy in anything I do. This is a fucking curse.

I can't find any reason to continue fighting when there is absolutely no promise of a silver lining on the horizon. How do you find the will to live when you are completely destroyed, broken and soulless inside?

 

[Deleted member 1465]

Unfortunately, my health has deteriorated so far I won't get out of home (can't look after myself, and not a citizen here so never qualified for any kind of social assistance). I am either going to die by suicide, or if I 'lose control' at home I will be put in a psych ward and die, which sounds like an exaggeration but really isn't. Those are literally my only two options. There really is no hope for me. But knowing that logically makes nothing easier. As I say, I am painfully aware of all the joys life has to offer and I think I've been imprisoned so long in my home by my illness that it's like I never even got a chance to get 'bored' of life. I just can't fathom not existing :(

I feel remarkably similar. Trapped in a house I can't manage to maintain with an existence slowly circling the plughole due to illness. And no-one will help cus they don't want the responsibility. It puts the callous nature of existence into stark relief.

 

[heylightiforgot]

Man, I can't begin to tell you how much I relate to what you just wrote there. Everyday when I wake up it is like a grey clinical nightmare of total anhedonia where everything is painfully boring and empty. The world is drained of color and time crawls by in an agonizingly slow manner. The only emotions I feel are bitterness, depression and self-loathing. There is nothing else inside of me. I wake up and immediately and desperately long for the temporary escape of sleep again. I feel like an ancient walking corpse condemned to purgatory. No pleasure or joy in anything I do. This is a fucking curse.

I can't find any reason to continue fighting when there is absolutely no promise of a silver lining on the horizon. How do you find the will to live when you are completely destroyed, broken and soulless inside?

And likewise how do you find the will to die?

 

[MisanthropicLycan]

And likewise how do you find the will to die?

Exactly....At least when I finally bring myself to take my own life I comfort myself with the fact that I can get doped out of my mind on all sorts of drugs to ease the anxiety of suicide. Also, it only takes a few short moments of insane courage to pull the trigger and put an end to my suffering. I think I can manage that when the time comes. Damn. I really and truly hate my life.

 

[CrushedHopes]

I can't find any reason to continue fighting when there is absolutely no promise of a silver lining on the horizon. How do you find the will to live when you are completely destroyed, broken and soulless inside?

You can't. What is your CTB method?

 

[MisanthropicLycan]

You can't. What is your CTB method?

12-gauge shotgun blast to my brain-stem.

 

[AnxiouslyDepressed]

You might want to check this link out, I am anxious aswell

 

[CrushedHopes]

12-gauge shotgun blast to my brain-stem.

That doesn't sound very peaceful, and it'll leave a mess. Have you considered other CTB methods?

 

[puppy9]

Hug me

 

[MisanthropicLycan]

That doesn't sound very peaceful, and it'll leave a mess. Have you considered other CTB methods?

I will be doped out of my mind on drugs before pulling the trigger. Also, I will be out in the middle of the forest so family and friends don't have to deal with the aftermath and gore. While being one of the most violent methods it is also one of the quickest, most effective and painless ways to commit suicide. I refuse to have a failed attempt.

 

[AnxiouslyDepressed]

I will be doped out of my mind on drugs before pulling the trigger. Also, I will be out in the middle of the forest so family and friends don't have to deal with the aftermath and gore. While being one of the most violent methods it is also one of the quickest, most effective and painless ways to commit suicide. I refuse to have a failed attempt.

Wish it was an option where I live. Hope you are at peace

 

[sleepy dog]

I will be doped out of my mind on drugs before pulling the trigger. Also, I will be out in the middle of the forest so family and friends don't have to deal with the aftermath and gore. While being one of the most violent methods it is also one of the quickest, most effective and painless ways to commit suicide. I refuse to have a failed attempt.

I agree that it is probably painless at the time it happens. And death prevent later pain. I got brain injuries at age 9. I felt no pain at all. But boy did the pain come later in life.

Unfortunately, my health has deteriorated so far I won't get out of home (can't look after myself, and not a citizen here so never qualified for any kind of social assistance).

Don't know what country you are in. In the USA illegal immigrants seem to get all the welfare help there is. Free medical care, food assistance, rental assistance, and more. You can probably get it. Maybe call and look into it? You might not have to be a citizen.

 

[a.n.kirillov]

You know, Schopenhauer argued that people who take their own lives are actually the most attached to life. Their desire (their will) is still strong and because the world denies them satisfaction, they'd rather die than give up their desires.

So... Maybe it's one and the same thing. Maybe your attachment to live is also what drives you to suicide?