Venting CAN’T LIVE CAN’T DIE

[agony1996]

I don't know if this makes sense to anybody but I really want to live,
I want to lead a happy life and having so many things going for me, like others that are happy enjoying their lives, which make me really jealous maybe even a little
bitter cause I think why them, why them and not me? What did I do to deserve this hell I'm in.
Anyway my point is I don't want to die but I'm given no choice, I have to put an end to my pain, can't go on like this with this constant torture , day in and day out. It really sucks because I wish so bad that I was happy. I don't want to die for the sake of dying, I just need the pain to go away, I just wish I could be happy.
I don't know if you guys feel the same you, I imagine many of you do.
It's a very cruel universe

 

[onemoreyear]

I feel very much the same. I feel as though I only foresee more suffering for the rest of my life and never being able to get out of the hole depression, drugs, and poverty have put me in. I see well off people all over the place that seem to be effortlessly succeeding and taking what they have for granted, working less hours or less stressful jobs and having lovely lives, able to have children and houses etc. I really want that too, and despite being clean for a long time and being a hard worker, I don't think I will ever get there...

 

[enduringwinter]

 

[agony1996]

I feel very much the same. I feel as though I only foresee more suffering for the rest of my life and never being able to get out of the hole depression, drugs, and poverty have put me in. I see well off people all over the place that seem to be effortlessly succeeding and taking what they have for granted, working less hours or less stressful jobs and having lovely lives, able to have children and houses etc. I really want that too, and despite being clean for a long time and being a hard worker, I don't think I will ever get there...

I know what you mean I watch people leading such happy lives and I wonder why not me. I want to be like them so bad it hurts. You should be proud that despite everything your clean for a long time
That's a huge accomplishment, I admire you. Yeah when you're in the black hole it's tough to see a way out.
I'm here if you ever want to vent

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Well said, why me???? What did we do to deserve this hell, pure torture

 

[sos]

the issue is that we can be misled by the life of others. by that i mean is that everything seems to be perfect, but are their lives actually perfect and if you'd be able to switch places, would their 'happy' life suit you?

as easy as it might sound but if you want to live, you've got to find a life of your own; you've got to create your own identity, one that you're eventually pleased with at some point.

don't get too distracted by the outside (facial expressions, behavior, lifestyle) of others. that what lies in the inside is more important. they seem happy, but are they happy?

 

[LittleBlackCat]

I don't know if this makes sense to anybody but I really want to live,
I want to lead a happy life and having so many things going for me, like others that are happy enjoying their lives, which make me really jealous maybe even a little
bitter cause I think why them, why them and not me? What did I do to deserve this hell I'm in.
Anyway my point is I don't want to die but I'm given no choice, I have to put an end to my pain, can't go on like this with this constant torture , day in and day out. It really sucks because I wish so bad that I was happy. I don't want to die for the sake of dying, I just need the pain to go away, I just wish I could be happy.
I don't know if you guys feel the same you, I imagine many of you do.
It's a very cruel universe

I completely understand.

 

[cryptic mantis]

Suicide and death. They feel like my right and left. Comrade and friend.
I recall being very small, staring at the knives wondering how to end it all. My brother came around, so the answer wasn't found.
Made it to age ten. Had an undercurrent of rage starting to boil by then.
Insomnia in place,
When your home isn't safe.
Cracked at 16. Limited knowledge and desperation, unsuccessful interpretation.
It never went away. The thoughts were there every day. But I had a kid, couldn't let her down.
Staggered on through the years. Gnashing mental gears. Had some extra vicodin, but wasn't near enough again.
I met a man in recovery, he sat across from me. Slit his throat and still survived. I wasn't ready for THAT, decided to try and get into the real life act.
It was a journey. I found joy. I found love. Unconditionally happy! Life is supposed to be good! Life is supposed to be great!
Somewhere in the mix, amidst all this,...
The kid left and never came back. When your heart breaks like that..
The self employed career, I held so dear, and financially should've been set and clear.. I just closed the business account.
All that happiness, and all that joy I found.. doesn't matter, if success in life otherwise is not found.
Why care, about life at all?

 

[slamjoetry]

I think so many of us feel this way. I want to live, but not like this. I want to die, but not for the sake of dying. Anything would be better than existing in this state of nothingness in between life and death.