I feel like I've made so many mistakes these past few years that's totally upended my life trajectory. I was given opportunities numerous times to make my life better and yet I made dumb mistakes and kept fumbling those chances. Now I'm in a place in life that feels hopeless and I can't but keep agonizing over all of my wrong choices. I know what's happened has happened, but I can't stop my mind from turning over every moment and thinking about what ifs. I also can't stop but constantly compare my life to my friends' lives and feel miserable that everyone seems to be doing well except for me. I just don't how to help myself anymore and have finalized my CTB method. Now, I'm just waiting for everything to arrive and am struggling with guilt for wanting to leave all my family/friends behind.
Note:
Below is some more context of what's happened/what I've been going through. I kind of just started typing and couldn't stop until it became a huge rant/journal entry. Sorry for the ridiculously long post and I figured it would be too much for others to read. I just wanted to post it anyways since it felt like a nice outlet for me but the above pretty much sums up what I've been feeling.
I've always had depression/social anxiety since a young age but I think it really took a hit on me during covid. I just finished my junior year of college and was taking an extra year to complete internships at different manufacturing facilities as an engineering student. However, as I worked I realized I hated working in an industrial setting and started to feel depressed that I would hate my life when I entered the real life working force. It was also too late to change majors because I only had two semesters left until I graduated. Feeling stuck, I lived with a friend that introduced me to weed. It instantly helped me out of my despair and so I turned to weed/alcohol to cope with not thinking about how to move on with my life.
During my last few months of my internship, I managed to get an interview with a top management consulting firm that could have saved me from my dread of working in a manufacturing setting. I practiced doing case interviews with one of my friends who was also getting interviewed. When the time came, I completely fumbled the interview and lost my chance at getting a position at that firm, while my friend managed to get in. I don't know if it was from the after effects of on/off smoking or if I was just depressed, but I regret that day so much and keep fixating on that day over and over to see how I could have done things differently. After several more months, I managed to get a job offer at a tech company. After some research, I learned this company was known to have a very high turnover rate due to constantly overworking their new hires. I knew it wasn't going to be an easy job, but I thought it was better than having to work at a plant.
Once I returned to school to finish my second to last semester, I thought I could finally start to rest easy. Yet towards the end of the semester, my younger brother who was in his sophomore year at the same school, flunked all of his classes. He didn't come to me for help until it was too late and I felt somewhat responsible as I should have paid attention to him more. My heart broke for him and I feared for how my parents would react to his situation. We were both on full ride scholarships at this school and knew that with his low GPA he would no longer be able to keep his financial aid to continue at our university. I tried to help him as best as I could, from breaking the news to my parents and taking the brunt of their scolding to scheduling counseling appointments for my brother in order to help with his mental health. However, after trying my best to help him through this tough time, it just seemed like he wasn't willing to try to help himself. I understand that it just takes time for these situations to resolve itself and yet, I couldn't help but feel guilty and sad that everyone else in our friend group was moving on with their lives while my brother was stuck.
During my last semester, I turned to weed again and smoked continuously to numb all my feelings. I took the minimum amount of classes I needed to graduate and couldn't even bring myself to keep applying to positions at better companies. I became complacent and didn't even try to contact the consulting firm again during the next hiring cycle. I wasn't sober for my graduation and chose the latest possible start date for my job. I had 4 months of complete free time and instead of doing something productive or being more helpful towards my brother's situation, I just smoked and slept all those weeks. I did occasionally travel, but then would return to only continue smoking and numbing everything. I didn't even find an apartment for my new job until a week before my start date and moved to the new state last minute. I was a complete mess and didn't even try to fix myself.
I went through some intensive training at my job and managed to complete it pretty quickly in comparison to my coworkers, so I let myself to get high at my apartment every day I came back from work. Instead of trying to bond with my coworkers, I just kept to myself and would drown out the noise in my head with booze. When 2023 rolled around, I decided to try to get my act together. I quit weed/drinking and decided to reach out to my friend at the consulting firm to see if I could get connnected with the recruiter. To my dismay, the recruiter replied to me that they were no longer accepting my application, as I had been several months out of college now and already had some post grad experience. My friend was surprised this occurred since they had previously accepted applicants that were in a similar situation. I felt utter regret at not having been more proactive in reaching out to the consulting firm earlier and felt like I had missed my chance at getting out of my miserable work situation.
I was also assigned customers at my new job and was unfortunately given a more difficult organization to manage due to my fast completion of the training. My social anxiety was at an all time high and I completely mismanaged my customer analysts. I had so many opportunities to ask for help, but instead I just kept everything to myself with hopes my problems would resolve itself. I overworked myself, sometimes 10 to 12 hour days and felt like I always had a never ending pile of work. I didn't even have any energy in me to try to implement healthy routines outside of work or look at other job opportunities. I skipped meals, slept or worked all weekend, and went back to drinking (no weed this time). Eventually, I started to break down every day after work and sometimes in the office bathroom. I always had suicidal ideation but this time, I had an exit plan prepared and even ordered all the necessary materials. I was coming to the realization that I actually might die alone in that apartment.
After much deliberation and encouragement from my friends back at home, I mustered enough courage to sublease my apartment which then forced me to go and quit my job. My manager was shocked at my announcement and was unhappy with the notice I had given her, despite me giving her a notice 1 month in advance as well as putting in extra hours to thoroughly hand off my customers to my peers. I had no back up plan and I didn't even have a full year of post grad work experience under my belt. I knew this didn't bode well for me, but I felt like my only option was to move back home before I went forward my exit plan.
Instead of getting my shit together at home, I reverted back to old habits to numb my thoughts. I got high for two months straight with no attempt apply to jobs or look at grad programs. My brother started working a part time job, but he still made no attempt to apply to school/training for a career. I felt like we were both just falling into a pit of despair. He drowned out his feelings through gaming and I with weed/alcohol. How ironic is it that I was sad about his behavior yet I'm following the exact same pattern. Eventually, I ran out of my weed supply and didn't make an attempt to buy more. I slowly got sober but still occasionally drank. After 3.5 months of self pity and aimlessness, I finally started to apply to jobs. It was discouraging to see the rejections, but after some time I started to get interviews. However, all the jobs that are reaching out are engineer positions within industrial plants. I know I shouldn't be picky, but I can't help feeling like I'm just setting myself up for failure again by doing something I'm not happy with. I currently don't even have a job offer yet, but am already dreading imaginary scenarios of working in that type of setting.
My friend has also been enjoying her consulting career and I can't help but compare my current life to hers. She also found out that due to this year's economy, firms have been putting a hold on hiring for 2023. After hearing that, I realized that if I had reached out to the recruiter just a semester earlier back in the end of 2022, I may have been able to get a second chance at getting into the firm before their hiring hold. I just feel so much regret for all the wrong choices I've made. I shouldn't have quit my job so early. I shouldn't have been smoking to cope with my mental illness. I should've reached out for help. I should've been more proactive and applied to other job positions. Now, I just turned 24 and have been unemployed for 5 months. I have less than a year of experience and will probably end up in a job I hate. I've missed the school application deadlines, so will probably have to wait until the next application cycle if I even want to pursue grad school, which will put in me in debt if I do. Meanwhile, all my friends are enjoying their careers and making money. I'm just stuck here with nothing but self hatred and regret as I repeatedly analyze all the moments in my life where I could have made a better choice. I feel like I've thrown my life away after working so hard for the past 17 years. I'm honestly so tired of wanting to try again and have once again planned out my CTB. I'm waiting for my ordered items to arrive and am unsure of what I'll do when I get them. I feel bad for leaving my family/friends behind, but I know they'll be able to move on eventually.
Note:
Below is some more context of what's happened/what I've been going through. I kind of just started typing and couldn't stop until it became a huge rant/journal entry. Sorry for the ridiculously long post and I figured it would be too much for others to read. I just wanted to post it anyways since it felt like a nice outlet for me but the above pretty much sums up what I've been feeling.
I've always had depression/social anxiety since a young age but I think it really took a hit on me during covid. I just finished my junior year of college and was taking an extra year to complete internships at different manufacturing facilities as an engineering student. However, as I worked I realized I hated working in an industrial setting and started to feel depressed that I would hate my life when I entered the real life working force. It was also too late to change majors because I only had two semesters left until I graduated. Feeling stuck, I lived with a friend that introduced me to weed. It instantly helped me out of my despair and so I turned to weed/alcohol to cope with not thinking about how to move on with my life.
During my last few months of my internship, I managed to get an interview with a top management consulting firm that could have saved me from my dread of working in a manufacturing setting. I practiced doing case interviews with one of my friends who was also getting interviewed. When the time came, I completely fumbled the interview and lost my chance at getting a position at that firm, while my friend managed to get in. I don't know if it was from the after effects of on/off smoking or if I was just depressed, but I regret that day so much and keep fixating on that day over and over to see how I could have done things differently. After several more months, I managed to get a job offer at a tech company. After some research, I learned this company was known to have a very high turnover rate due to constantly overworking their new hires. I knew it wasn't going to be an easy job, but I thought it was better than having to work at a plant.
Once I returned to school to finish my second to last semester, I thought I could finally start to rest easy. Yet towards the end of the semester, my younger brother who was in his sophomore year at the same school, flunked all of his classes. He didn't come to me for help until it was too late and I felt somewhat responsible as I should have paid attention to him more. My heart broke for him and I feared for how my parents would react to his situation. We were both on full ride scholarships at this school and knew that with his low GPA he would no longer be able to keep his financial aid to continue at our university. I tried to help him as best as I could, from breaking the news to my parents and taking the brunt of their scolding to scheduling counseling appointments for my brother in order to help with his mental health. However, after trying my best to help him through this tough time, it just seemed like he wasn't willing to try to help himself. I understand that it just takes time for these situations to resolve itself and yet, I couldn't help but feel guilty and sad that everyone else in our friend group was moving on with their lives while my brother was stuck.
During my last semester, I turned to weed again and smoked continuously to numb all my feelings. I took the minimum amount of classes I needed to graduate and couldn't even bring myself to keep applying to positions at better companies. I became complacent and didn't even try to contact the consulting firm again during the next hiring cycle. I wasn't sober for my graduation and chose the latest possible start date for my job. I had 4 months of complete free time and instead of doing something productive or being more helpful towards my brother's situation, I just smoked and slept all those weeks. I did occasionally travel, but then would return to only continue smoking and numbing everything. I didn't even find an apartment for my new job until a week before my start date and moved to the new state last minute. I was a complete mess and didn't even try to fix myself.
I went through some intensive training at my job and managed to complete it pretty quickly in comparison to my coworkers, so I let myself to get high at my apartment every day I came back from work. Instead of trying to bond with my coworkers, I just kept to myself and would drown out the noise in my head with booze. When 2023 rolled around, I decided to try to get my act together. I quit weed/drinking and decided to reach out to my friend at the consulting firm to see if I could get connnected with the recruiter. To my dismay, the recruiter replied to me that they were no longer accepting my application, as I had been several months out of college now and already had some post grad experience. My friend was surprised this occurred since they had previously accepted applicants that were in a similar situation. I felt utter regret at not having been more proactive in reaching out to the consulting firm earlier and felt like I had missed my chance at getting out of my miserable work situation.
I was also assigned customers at my new job and was unfortunately given a more difficult organization to manage due to my fast completion of the training. My social anxiety was at an all time high and I completely mismanaged my customer analysts. I had so many opportunities to ask for help, but instead I just kept everything to myself with hopes my problems would resolve itself. I overworked myself, sometimes 10 to 12 hour days and felt like I always had a never ending pile of work. I didn't even have any energy in me to try to implement healthy routines outside of work or look at other job opportunities. I skipped meals, slept or worked all weekend, and went back to drinking (no weed this time). Eventually, I started to break down every day after work and sometimes in the office bathroom. I always had suicidal ideation but this time, I had an exit plan prepared and even ordered all the necessary materials. I was coming to the realization that I actually might die alone in that apartment.
After much deliberation and encouragement from my friends back at home, I mustered enough courage to sublease my apartment which then forced me to go and quit my job. My manager was shocked at my announcement and was unhappy with the notice I had given her, despite me giving her a notice 1 month in advance as well as putting in extra hours to thoroughly hand off my customers to my peers. I had no back up plan and I didn't even have a full year of post grad work experience under my belt. I knew this didn't bode well for me, but I felt like my only option was to move back home before I went forward my exit plan.
Instead of getting my shit together at home, I reverted back to old habits to numb my thoughts. I got high for two months straight with no attempt apply to jobs or look at grad programs. My brother started working a part time job, but he still made no attempt to apply to school/training for a career. I felt like we were both just falling into a pit of despair. He drowned out his feelings through gaming and I with weed/alcohol. How ironic is it that I was sad about his behavior yet I'm following the exact same pattern. Eventually, I ran out of my weed supply and didn't make an attempt to buy more. I slowly got sober but still occasionally drank. After 3.5 months of self pity and aimlessness, I finally started to apply to jobs. It was discouraging to see the rejections, but after some time I started to get interviews. However, all the jobs that are reaching out are engineer positions within industrial plants. I know I shouldn't be picky, but I can't help feeling like I'm just setting myself up for failure again by doing something I'm not happy with. I currently don't even have a job offer yet, but am already dreading imaginary scenarios of working in that type of setting.
My friend has also been enjoying her consulting career and I can't help but compare my current life to hers. She also found out that due to this year's economy, firms have been putting a hold on hiring for 2023. After hearing that, I realized that if I had reached out to the recruiter just a semester earlier back in the end of 2022, I may have been able to get a second chance at getting into the firm before their hiring hold. I just feel so much regret for all the wrong choices I've made. I shouldn't have quit my job so early. I shouldn't have been smoking to cope with my mental illness. I should've reached out for help. I should've been more proactive and applied to other job positions. Now, I just turned 24 and have been unemployed for 5 months. I have less than a year of experience and will probably end up in a job I hate. I've missed the school application deadlines, so will probably have to wait until the next application cycle if I even want to pursue grad school, which will put in me in debt if I do. Meanwhile, all my friends are enjoying their careers and making money. I'm just stuck here with nothing but self hatred and regret as I repeatedly analyze all the moments in my life where I could have made a better choice. I feel like I've thrown my life away after working so hard for the past 17 years. I'm honestly so tired of wanting to try again and have once again planned out my CTB. I'm waiting for my ordered items to arrive and am unsure of what I'll do when I get them. I feel bad for leaving my family/friends behind, but I know they'll be able to move on eventually.
